MORE Food That Looks Like Dicks

Because we are children of a God who loves us and wants us to be happy (with dick-shaped food).

There's even a wikipedia aticle on these 'Peter Peppers', but I will never stop believing they have to be photoshopped.

Eh, right? Most 'phallic' looking foods just got lucky.

Just The Facts

  1. Vaguely cylindrical food should not impress you! Penes (totally the plural of 'penis') are really just slightly (or more than slightly) elongated blobs.
  2. Very few naturally-occurring foods are not blobs.
  3. A blob with fully-articulated characteristics of a human penis is a joy to behold, and lucky is the internet-browsing man to discover it.

French Ice Cream

In the United States, if you order a scoop of ice cream in a cone, they (rather logically) place the round ball of ice cream atop the tasty, absolutely perfectly geometrical cone. If you want a second scoop, they put that one right on top of the first one. If you were to even add additional scoops, the poor ice cream worker would have to stack them up like this, in a tower fashion, worried the whole time about how many minutes it would take you to topple the whole mess and come back for a re-do. Here in America, the scoops go up up up to your gluttonous pre-diabetic heart's content..

Up, up, up.

Up, up, up.
I thought of this example because I have actually been to France. I went in high school when the high school band decided we'd enrich the culture of France by flying out there and playing French music and a medley by the guy that wrote "You're a Grand Old Flag" (also including "You're a Grand Old Flag"). I became horribly jet-lagged and culture-shocked (two things I'd previously thought were completely made-up psychosomatic things) on this trip and had a lot of trouble eating solid food without barfing it up. I ended up subsisting almost entirely on Orangina, Orangina Rouge (like France's answer to Mountain Dew Code Red, but less 'extreme'), espresso, Harry Potter Jelly Beans, and ice cream.


We got into this little tourist trap town near Normandy or something, played a few go's of "You're a Grand Old Flag" to remind all the French people we were still united and standing after 9/11, I guess, and unleashed ourselves on the little shops. The stereotype about snooty America-hating French people? It is not a stereotype. It isn't some dumb congenital hatred; the hatred is a completely logical and ok reaction to having 12 or 13 loud monolingual American high schoolers walk into your store and start touching things and yelling.
My friend Steve and I ended up at a little ice cream place. He ordered two scoops of apple ice cream in a cone, so I did too. There we were, two hormonal, awkward, retarded teenagers, our shared sense of humor consisting mostly of extremely specific in-jokes, sexualized random gossip of our friends, and the entry-level brand of perversion only the terminally virginal can pull off. We loved that sense of humor. It completely defined us as human beings. And so we two thusly defined human beings stood on that street in France together, and we held these:

(This is the case in France)
This is the case in France.
And I don't think we said a thing! The phallic-ness of the ice cream was never even mentioned, unless I have completely blocked it out. I did throw up the ice cream a little later, but there was a vending machine selling only Orangina Rouge right by this historical building, so I had a couple of those.

Geoduck

Ok, this is not a food people will really relate to. I heard about it first on Andrew Zimmern and then saw it on the menu at a local sushi spot . I was intrigued, so I ordered it. It came as a tiny sliver of geoduck (which is pronounced 'gooey duck' for no good reason) on some sushi rice, and was delicious. Anyway, when you only eat a little sushi slice of it, you don't get to see that it looks like this:

Nature's most overachieving bivalve. Look at that tiny shell! Why have so much soft defenseless animal outside the shell? It won't even fit inside.

Is that one dripping? Have any of you ever picked up a live clam from a live clam tank? Do you know what they do? They squirt a tiny jet of water at you! Can you imagine how traumatizing it'd be to get that from a geoduck?

How much water would that even be?

Horseradish

Do you like horseradish? You normally buy it 'prepared', or as a pulp in vinegar or something, jarred. Have you ever seen the root it's made from?

The internet actually had a bunch of pictures way more innocuous than this one, but all of the roots I've seen in my restaurants have looked like full-on penes. One had a fully articulated uncircumsized tip and hair in all the right places. I'd just arrived at work, and my chef and my friend were standing there laughing at me. I asked what was up.
Friend: You need to see this horseradish we got today.
me: huh?
Chef: It is wonderful.
Friend: It looks exactly like a dick.
me: hahaha cool where is it?
Friend: Well, we saw it and went "We have to hide this from Ashleigh. Who knows what she'd do with it."
me: huh?
So that day my boss and my co-worker hid a phallic horseradish from me because I'd apparently somehow garnered a reputation of being untrustworthy alone with things that look like genitalia. I'm still to this day not quite sure how that came about.

Here's another, anyway:

Latte Art

They don't do it at Starbucks, but if you go to a real coffee shop (or any other establishment with pride in their caffeinated drinks), they do stuff like this:

This is accomplished by steaming milk, scooping off any excess bubbles (foam) until you have a thin scum of aerated dairy topping the hot milk. You can then use this 'foam scum' to pull off fine free-pour work like what you see above. The key is the small amount of foam. Too much foam and you end up with floppy fail designs.

See? And when you have even worse foam and timing, you end up making peeners in people's medium 2 shot half decaf half soy half lowfat no foam extra hot 2 pump sugar-free vanilla lattes.

Though maybe at that point, they deserve it.