Taco Bell Coin Game

You're a stoned, 18-24 year old, American male. Where do you want to go? Taco Bell of course! You see the Coin Drop game, and you're totally going to win the free food. Next thing you know, you're broke and look like a fag.*

*Exhibit A

Just The Facts

  1. To win a free menu item, all you have to do is land a coin on the last plastic shelf.
  2. Hopefully, you've caught on that if you're using a coin, it's not technically free anymore.
  3. The money that goes into the drop slot allegedly goes towards the local Boys & Girls Club.
  4. Do you want to help people? Or do you want to win some goddamned food?

How To Defeat The Coin Game

Your opponent: the hexagonal cylinder filled with orange plastic shelfs in descending and rotating order.

Your goal: landing a coin on the bottom yellow shelf.

Your weapon of choice: A nickel, a dime, or a quarter.

Skills needed: a steady hand, patience, luck.

NOTE: Pennies will not earn you prizes, but they are useful to practice with.

A basic understanding of Newtonian physics will definitely give you the upper hand at defeating this coin game and winning your food. Concepts such as gravity, inertia, coefficient of kinetic and static friction, Impulse conversion into change in momentum, all play a part in this diabolic coin slot game. But if you're so damn smart and already know all that, then why don't you just build your own magic food ray?

We here at Cracked have selflessly done countless hours of research and sacrificed God-knows-how-many games of Pac-Man to Crack the system for you, our loyal reader.

Step 1: Choose your weapon.

In Vietnam, a nickel could get you a blow-job for you and your buddy, but in the States it'll score you some Diabetes Cinnamon Twists. A dime will score you a taco you could eat in front of a vegetarian to entertain yourself. Last but not least, a quarter, perhaps best known for it's appearance on Futurama when it was tied to Bender's finger, will earn you a bean burrito.

It's important to consider your coin, because each of them weigh differently. The smaller the coin, the more it will bounce when hitting a surface. A bigger bounce means a higher chance of fruitless ricocheting into the coin pit of shame below.

Step 2: Align your shelves.

Typically you'll see a total of 5 shelves. They are arranged in a downward spiraling pattern, not unlike M. Night Shyamalan's career. The biggest difference is at the bottom of Shyamalan's spiral, there is no yellow victory shelf, just The Last Airbender. Now, there are four orange obstacle shelves. They first two shelves are for retarded people to use. DO NOT USE THEM.

Don't waste your time with these, because time is money tacos. Align the shelves to their desired positions by firmly grabbing the central rod (avoid getting sexually excited if at all possible), and rotating it so that there is a clear path between the last orange shelf and the coin slot. (If you find that it hits the shelf too hard and bounces off, just align it to the next highest orange shelf.) Warning: Make certain it is aligned with a clear, unobstructed path, because if the coin so much as grazes an orange shelf along the way, it will bounce off course.

Steps 3 & 4: Dropping and Catching:

As any sorority girl can tell you, to give a good blow-job you must stroke with the hand and the mouth at the same time. The same principle applies for step 3 & 4, they need to be done simultaneously.

With one hand, position the coin into the most inward slot. There should be three slots. DO NOT USE THE OUTSIDE SLOTS. The outer two are there to deceive you, just like your high school teachers. Just like your teachers, those shelves should be ignored. The closer towards the center the coin starts off, the better. The reason for this is that the coin will slide towards the outside of the shelf as you slide the coin back and forth in step 5.

It's called circular motion, if you actually care why this is happening, go ahead and knock yourself out. For our intents and purposes here, we just need to know that it's bad for the coin to slide off the outside part of the shelf before it gets you a taco.

With your other available hand, let go of your knob, then grab the knob of the coin game rod and lift it vertically as high as it lets you. Usually it will lift up between 1/4" to 3/4" depending on your Taco Bell location. When you drop the coin, as it's ABOUT to hit the desired shelf, you release the rod and let it fall. The falling coin landing on the falling shelf will reduce the amount of bounce, compared to if the coin just landed on the solid unmoving surface. Again, if you're actually interested in why this works, go and educate yourself.

Step 5: Sliding to Victory

The last and final step towards ultimate victory (a.k.a. FREE FOOD) requires your undivided attention, like when you're trying to decide between buying five $1 items, or one $5 meal.

The coin is now on the second to last, or the very last orange shelf. You're going to want the coin to slide in a counter-clockwise direction so that it falls onto the yellow shelf below it. First, you are going to SLOWLY rotate the entire rod COUNTER-CLOCKWISE. Then you will quickly reverse the direction, so the shelf now moves in the CLOCKWISE direction. This will cause the coin to slide in the desired direction(CCW).

This is basically what's happening.

When you are turning the rod initially in the CCW direction, it should be slow enough that the coin is not moving relative to the shelf. Then, when the direction of motion is quickly reversed, the coin that now has some CCW momentum will continue to slide across the shelf. Hopefully you can slide it closer and closer to the ledge until it falls off and lands onto the victory shelf.

Performing this step is a lot like switching hands mid-handjob, it can take some practice to get good, but when it is mastered, the reward is more than worth the effort.

Taco Bell has small print on the sign saying "One win per customer per day." This clause is to prevent you, the new taco winning master from running their business into the ground. But guess what? If you exit the establishment and the bounds of their property and return to the establishment, you are legally a new customer. Have fun and have tacos!