5 Things Drivers Do That Suck (and Aren't Punishable By Law)

Below you'll find five mind-bogglingly stupid things people will do while driving. What's worse is you'll find five mind-bogglingly stupid things people do while driving that aren't punishable by law.

Just The Facts

  1. Like it or not, we have to deal with idiots when driving our beloved motor vehicles. Whether you drive a standard Corolla or a bitchin' Hummer H2 (you cocky bastard), chances are you've had to deal with some craptastic driver who believes the rules of the road can be bent to his/her will.
  2. What you may not realize is that some of these brain-dead maneuvers pulled by these vehicular idiot savants aren't exactly illegal. That's right, you can do these things and no one can fine you for it (unless of course you cause an accident in the process).
  3. There are, however, ways to avoid these problems or prevent them from occurring altogether.

The Asshole Merger

Since kindergarten we've been schooled in the art of the line. If there is a line, you promptly take a place at the very end and allow it to progress forward one line-goer at a time until said line is no longer in existence. But there was always that one asshole kid, right? That rich-family smartass who smelled like piss and looked like the living incarnation of Scut Farkus from A Christmas Story?

This douchebag, in case you were wondering.

In case you were wondering.

This asshole would sidle up to one side of the line and smash two kids out of his way in order to put himself closer to the goal you were all so patiently waiting for. Why? Who the fuck knows, all we remember is how much of a giant dickwad this kid was.

Now, in the good ol' days of kindergarten (and on through 8th grade) the common reaction would be for the entire remainder of the line to suddenly erupt in a furious clamor and notify the proper authority (teacher) that this shithead had just violated the sanctity of the line. If there was no authority nearby, the kids surrounding the line-breaker would squash his happy ass right back out of the line and send him to the back with his rat-tail hairdo between his legs. Unfortunately, if you attempt to do that with cars you'll end up causing tens of thousands of dollars worth of vehicular damage.

Enter the Asshole Merger.

The Act of Stupidity

You see this every time you come to a crowded intersection. One lane is a dedicated turn lane that everybody wants to use, and the other is a straightaway that leads to bum-fucking nowhere, and therefore is empty. You, being the nice driver you are, do what you've been taught to do every time there's a line: You get the fuck in it and wait your turn. Then, out of the corner of your vision, some guy in a Land Rover speeds past in the straightaway lane. You dismiss it, as the lane is empty and this guy obviously lives down that way. But then, he stops and turns on his fucking turn signal. You suddenly realize just who this guy is: the Scut Farkus of his kindergarten class. What's worse is he makes a common practice of pulling this utter bullshit on a daily basis. Every time people like this see a giant line of cars they take it upon themselves to go around it and attempt to fucking cut in front of everyone.



As if that weren't enough, most people will let him into the lane. In this day and age, other drivers have apparently misplaced their testicular fortitude and lack the nuts to squash together and keep Farkus from getting a free ride to the fast lane. This just encourages the insufferable prick to continue doing it, as he can get away with it not only literally, but legally. For any of you who've witnessed this in the presence of a cop, you can attest to the following: the police will not pull over this driver unless he causes an issue. If there's no traffic coming and he's not blocking the straightaway lane with his ignorance, then he's in the clear to humiliate you and cut into the line.

What can I do?

If you happen to be the guy Farkus chooses to squeeze in front of, there's a real simple solution:

Don't fucking let him.

The Douchebag Matador

You're on your way home from work. You're on the same road you've always driven, going about forty. The guy in front of you is about four car lengths away, because you're a good fucking driver and listened during your boring-as-a-box-of-sand DMV class. The guy in front of you puts on his signal to turn off of the road. No big deal, he must be on his own way home. But he doesn't turn off of the road. He changes lanes so fast you wonder what's going on.

A line of fucking stopped vehicles is what's going on! They're twenty yards away and you're going forty miles an hour. There are two things stopping you from parking your car in the trunk of the person at the end of this line: reflexes and anti-lock brakes. Chances are you're fucked if you're going too fast. You have the Douchebag Matador to thank for this.

Ol�©, shithead!

Ole, shithead!

The Act of Stupidity

The Douchebag Matador is that one asshat that sees a line of cars in one lane and, rather than slow down and come to a stop (like a rational fucking human being), flips a signal and switches lanes at the last possible second. This presents anyone driving behind the Matador with a row of immobile vehicles and no warning that they're there. Imagine it like that prank where you put saran wrap over an open door, except the victim's face is traveling twenty feet per second and the saran wrap is a wall.

The worst case scenario for this is if the Matador is driving under the speed limit: most people tend to tailgate vehicles driving slower than the posted limit as a way to encourage the slow driver to speed up. If you've ever tried it, you know it works as well as trying to fly a hot air balloon made of cement. So if the person behind the Matador is tailgating them, this leaves them five yards or less to stop when presented with a vehicle stopped in their lane since they have no fucking way of knowing it's coming.

What can I do?

Your best friend is car lengths. Remember in driving school where the teacher said to leave a car length in front of you for every ten miles per hour you're traveling? They don't stand up in front of a classroom of disinterested teens and the occasional adult for shits and giggles. Follow that rule, and if you're on a one-lane road that branches into a turn lane or a two-lane road notorious for having one lane of traffic, increase that rule of thumb to two car lengths per ten miles per hour. It might just save you some money, and possibly your own ass.

Not that your ass would be the only thing damaged in a wreck, but you get the point.