Tips for Raising a Hatchetfish. Wait? OH DEAR GOD WHY DO YOU EVEN OWN ONE OF THOSE??

Yes, THAT'S a hatchetfish. Regret anything yet? No? Just you wait.


Well, that's a little better, I guess. But damn, that's an ugly fish.

Just The Facts

  1. Hatchetfish are scary as hell. I'm sure you gleaned that from the above pictures.
  2. Hatchetfish are called by many natives to the waters they live in "eat your soul" fish.
  3. Why did you buy one of these? What sick bastard could live with that right next to them, all day? In a fishbowl. Watching you sleep.
  4. Since there's no turning back, it's now time to help you raise your new pet and friend for life!

So, where did it come from? What do I feed it?

Contrary to popular belief, where this little bundle of joy (and also cold slimy flesh) came from is very important. Ask at the pet store/Satan you bought it from, or else you will pay later. (Literally too, as Satan loans these to the real world) While you are there, ask for 200 virgin goldfish (from the same waters as your adorable little hatchetfish, of course) and 60 5-gallon jugs of fish feed. Flakes are prefered. Get enough fishbowls/ aquarium tanks for your 200 goldfish (their comfort is optional, I once did this with one standard sized fishbowl). Feed ALL of your fish ALL of the food. Those that die, you must perform the soul-preparing ritual, as since goldfish are such douchebags, their soul is harder to access, making it inefficient for hatchetfish to dine on their souls. Okay... lets see here, page 197 of the "So You Want to Eat Souls" book says you must take a surgery grade scalpal and make an incision along the groin... Whoa. WHOA. Wrong book. I was reading from "So You Want to Castrate Goldfish". Damnit, that happens every time. The book covers are so similar. No, you don't understand. They're both those kind of books with small titles, and they both show the cutest little goldfish just sitting in a bowl.

Preparing and Serving of Souls

Now, let's try again. Page 307 says that, in order to do this, you must first... Oh shit. You did not see that book. YOU DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING. Why the hell do I have one of those? I can seriously not think of a SINGLE DAMN THING that that would be useful for. Except for its one purpose. (PM the author to find out what the title is) Okay. One more try. ONE MORE. Page 257 of the "So You Want to Eat Souls (SWYES from now on) handbook say that to prepare a small soul, such as a goldfish's, you must... oh HELL NO. HELL NO! Ummmm... How many of your goldfish are dead yet? All of them? Did you get insurance on them? NO??? Okay, SWYES says you need a live creature to perform the soul extraction. Go back and get 200 more fish. I'll wait here, there's not much else to do.

*whistle whislte*

"dododo do doo doo dodododo doo dododoo dododoo dododo*

*Begins reading further into the second book (the one with the unmentioned title), then realizes that it's written in Fishanese. Continues reading*

Good, you're back. What do you mean you didn't have enough money? Fine, here's $300. That should cover what you don't have.

*Reads further into Goldfish Castration book. One sentence after another makes me raise my eyebrow and look over at my goldfish in its little bowl*

*Picks up scalpal. Goldfish begins repeatedly swimming into the side of the bowl opposite to you. Bouncing off the glass and trying again. Such a brave, tiny, fucking retarded-as-hell fish.*

Good, you're back! Okay. Ready. Stop me if ANYTHING even SEEMS wrong. Take your scalpal from earlier and make the cut from the gills down to the tailfin. DO NOT remove the tailfin, or else the soul will escape, being the douchebag that it is. Remember, work fast, goldfish die oh-so easily after being cut open with scalpals. Now, using a spoon or the dull side of the scalpal, gouge out its left eye. STAGE LEFT, not your left. Now, place a firecracker in the incison made earlier... wait. What the hell? Ohhh... I remember. I got drunk and copied that from another book. I think it was the goldfish castration one. Anyway, now you must season the goldfish. DO NOT use salt, as it drains all the moisture from the almost-corpse. Now the hatchetfish is ready to eat! As in, eat other things, because who the hell want to eat hatchetfish?

Your Work is Now Rewarded

Feed the hatchetfish the prepared goldfish from the Preparing and Serving of Souls section of this guide. It is best to do this one at a time, because as I said before, you have a time limit right from when you make that first cut. DO NOT LOOK AT THE HATCHETFISH'S EYES WHILE IT IS FEEDING. For some reason yet unexplained, watching the consumption of a soul opens your own soul to absorption. And the hatchetfish knows that it requires only eye contact to do it. After it is done feasting on the 200 virgin goldfish... Oooooohhhh, shit. JESUS HELP US ALL!!! Did you remember to get virgin goldfish the second time around? NO???? As I don't feel like saying it again, look up a line. Now look back at your hatchetfish. Notice how it's gone from its tank? Look behind you.