Popular opinion amongst fans and critics alike is that Morrissey developed his famous wail and "lonely, misunderstood outsider" persona quite early in life. Steven Patrick Morrissey was born on May 22nd, in Davyhulme, Manchester, to working-class Irish-Catholic immigrant parents. The doctors and nurses all agreed: Ma and Pa Morrissey's baby boy let out the finest crying any of them had ever heard. Surely this boy would grow up to utilize his skill to make a name for himself in a profession where whining and self-indulgent blubbering are welcomed and encouraged: the entertainment industry.

Morrissey's childhood and early teenage years were plagued with self-doubt, depression, and the crippling need to come across as more intelligent than his peers. Young Morrissey decided to take refuge in the written word and spent many hours hidden away in his room, scrawling in his notebook, confident that his work would change the world. Unfortunately, when he brought his poems into school the next day, some dickhead folded them into paper airplanes and Morrissey's dreams crashed and burned like the Space Shuttle Challenger.

Morrissey locked himself in his room and refused to come out until the world became less cruel and unforgiving. It is a wish that never came true, a fact that no one will soon forget, as Morrissey has built an entire career out of grandiose existential wangst.

News of Morrissey's self-imposed exile spread quickly throughout Manchester. Local boy Johnny Marr caught wind of Morrissey's plight and, sensing a kindered spirit, decided to catch a bus to Morrissey's mysterious Mancunian hideaway, which turned out to be a dull house on the other side of town.

Morrissey and Marr: BFFs 4 EVER?

Morrissey realized that Marr possessed the kind of guitar skill that could bring a man to orgasm, and it was then that the duo formed a partnership. In that moment, a mindfuckingly astounding juggernaut of songwriting was born. Marr's twangy, chorus-laden guitar sound and catchy riffs, combined with Morrissey's dramatic yowels and lyrics that outlined the mundanity and miserableness of every day life appealed to the common man. To Morrissey and Marr's good fortune, the British public were particularly self-loathing in the 1980's, and The Smiths were an instant success.

A classic "Smiths-By-Numbers" track: Johnny Marr's excellent guitar hooks and Morrissey's abandonment issues.

During his time with The Smiths, Morrissey developed a signature "look." It consisted of the aforementioned quiff, clothing several sizes too big, National Health Glasses, and on occasion a hearing-aid, despite the fact that he is not at all hearing-impaired. This, of course, is indicative of the fact that Morrissey clearly strived to look like a jackass from the onset and succeeded with flying colors.

This look, while often criticized as laughable and contrived at the time, is now considered---well, laughable and contrived, though it is sometimes mistakenly described as "iconic" by condescending, obnoxious, self-aggrandizing fools who are out of touch with modern social and musical climates (see: music critics). Despite all of this, impressionable teenagers with total lack of direction in their lives and parents who did not love them claimed Morrissey as their woebegone savior and adopted this look as their own, copying Morrissey's style and showing up to Smiths concerts in droves, effectively creating a horrifying army of Morrissey doppelgangers.

A Morrissey fan (right) tries to replicate his hero's appearance and somehow manages to look more annoying than the real thing.

Morrissey's music is often categorized as "intellectual," because of the many literary allusions found within his lyrics, a distinction stemming from his work with The Smiths. For fans, this is cause to extol his brilliance. For everyone else, the stench of pretension is so rank they're left desperately reaching for the puke bucket. This supposed intellectual facet of the music, coupled with lyrics that so perfectly capture the agony and isolation of adolescence, is the reason many consider Morrissey to be one of the finest lyricists of the last 30 years. So, let's take a look at some of his most poignant verses penned during his Smiths days:

"And if a doulble decker bus crashes into us, to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die," - There Is a Light That Never Goes Out

"I was looking for a job and then I found a job. Heaven knows I'm miserable now," - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

"Keats and Yeats are on your side, while Wilde is on mine," - Cemetry Gates

"I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does," - How Soon Is Now?

Shit's deep.

Morrissey rolls around in a pile of Oscar Wilde books in an attempt to absorb some of the writer's wit and intelligence.

While The Smiths existed as a band for only five years, from 1982 to 1987, their cultural impact was enormous. Countless musicians sing their praises and cite them as a major influence. They are often heralded as, "The greatest band to come out of England in the 80's," and "holy shit really fucking good." Their landmark album Meat Is Murder prompted hundreds of fans to convert to a vegetarian/vegan lifestyle, and at least nine people committed suicide because of their break-up, proving that Smiths fans are the dumbest group of people on the planet.

Aftermath

It wasn't until 1996 that Morrissey and Marr discovered that there were two other members of The Smiths, after both of them had received a court summons and found that they were being sued by a man who claimed to be their drummer. Mike Joyce felt like he hadn't gotten a fair share of the Smiths' earnings, and he promptly waited nine years to do something about it. The lawsuit resulted in Morrissey paying Joyce £1 million. The judge who presided over the case called Morrissey a "devious, truculent, and unreliable" man, to which Morrissey responded by weeping incessantly into Marr's arms and writing a song about his horrible experience.

After the Smiths, Morrissey knew that the next logical step for him to take was to forge a solo career, where his potential for greatness could be fully realized. Now that he had the freedom to really spread his wings, Morrissey knew he couldn't be stopped.

Morrissey's career has seen more ups and downs than Amy Winehouse's blood-alcohol level. There's been many highs and lows, but through it all, there have been a few constants:

Songs With Unusual Subject Matter

In an effort to be edgy and to set himself apart from musical plebeians, Morrissey often writes songs that focus on topics that are uncommon in in pop music, such as the following:

• Male prostitution ("Picadilly Palare")
• Child murder ("Suffer Little Children," "Amibtious Outsiders")
• Cripples ("November Spawned a Monster")
• Speech disorders ("Mute Witness")
• Fashion designers ("Christian Dior")
• Not being able to get a haircut ("Hairdresser On Fire")

Fans On Stage

One thing that set The Smiths apart form their alt-rock peers was their attitude about their performance space. The band would often encourage audience members to join them on stage, in flagrant disregard for their own safety or well-being. This tradition carried over to Morrissey's solo career, where it evolved into a sort of bizarre reward game. These "stage invaders," as they have come to be known, are those brave enough to attempt to breech sacred ground (whatever stage Morrissey is standing on), and those who succeed get to touch, kiss, or molest their hero to their hearts' content. That is, until security kicks them out on their ass. For some strange reason most of these "invaders" tend to be men.

Morrissey bonds with a few fans backstage.

The Latino Connection

A large portion of Morrissey's fanbase consists of Hispanic and Latin Americans. The reason for this remains one of the great unsolved mysteries of the universe. Nevertheless, Morrissey seems to appreciate such a diverse fanbase, having named a past tour and DVD ¡Oye Esteban! and written songs about Hispanic gang-related violence in order to relate more to his fans. To some, the latter may seem completely fucking retarded a little insensitive (see following subsection).

Speak ill of the Mozfather in his presence and he'll rip off your balls.

Accusations of Racism

Morrissey has been accused of racism so many times that the American Nazi Party began sending him free literature in the mail. These accusations initially arose after the release of Morrissey's first solo album, the aptly titled Viva Hate, specifically the lyrics to a song called "Bengali In Platforms," in which Morrissey instructs a foreigner to "shelve your western plans and understand that life is hard enough when you belong here." Morrissey was baffled by the uproar the song caused and couldn't imagine how anyone could interpret that as being racist. Not wanting his reputation to be sullied, Morrissey bounced back with a song on his second album, Kill Uncle, titled "Asian Rut," in which a young, drug-addled Asian man is brutally murdered by three English boys.

I don't need to say what it looks like he's doing.

Throughout the 90's, Morrissey continued to do nothing to improve his situation. With songs like "National Front Disco" which trumpets an "England for the English," and a fondness for draping himself in the Union Jack and performing in front of a backdrop of skinhead imagery, Morrissey found himself up shit creek without a paddle.

The most recent allegation of racism against Morrissey occurred in early September 2010, following the publication of an interview for The Guardian. What is easily Morrissey's crowning moment of facepalm came in the form of PETA-approved righteous anger. While discussing China's treatment of animals, Morrissey opined: "You can't help but feel that the Chinese are a subspecies." Holy fucking shit.

Morrissey participated in a diversity training class in which he was made to spend a day as a rural Chinese farmer.

Being Arrogant

Even before Morrissey found fame with The Smiths, being a pompous ass came quite naturally to him, as evidenced by this letter written in 1981 from Morrissey to a pen-pal while vacationing in America. In the letter, Morrissey says he feels misplaced in Texas, which he describes as an artless wasteland that not even "those dear cowboys" could redeem, and labels the Chelsea Hotel as "insignificant."

Since then, Morrissey has carefully cultivated a reputation for dickery that cannot be paralleled. He has turned arrogance into a fine art, one he has masterfully crafted and honed to perfection over the course of his career.

Morrissey's ego has grown so incredibly huge that by now, it has the same gravitational pull as a collapsing neutron star.

One thing that really pisses Morrissey right off is the fact that he's never been knighted. He admits that his constant and contemptuous criticism of the Royal Family might have thrown a small wrench into the works, but even so, Morrissey cannot fathom why he has not yet received the honor of knighthood. He made his frustration known in 2007, complaining that "Mad Irish singer Daniel O'Donnel," and "obese Jamie Oliver," two recipients of an OBE that year, were not worthy enough to wipe his own ass, let alone receive an OBE. As far as I know, it has never been suggested to Morrissey that if he shut the fuck up for once he might see some positive results.

"Let me play you a sad song on the world's most exorbitantly expensive violin."

Morrissey is often very vocal about the current state of the music industry, specifically how much he thinks it sucks for not giving him enough attention. Based on his own actions, it is clear that Morrissey believes his excellence is inherently obvious and expects us all to lavish praise upon him constantly, without having to actually work for it or deserve it in any way. Morrissey believes himself to be such a highly celebrated figure that he will sign other musicians' albums and give them to you. No, really.

Recently, Morrissey cancelled a string of radio interviews scheduled to promote the re-release of one of his albums, with this explanation from his management: "Morrissey has decided not to promote the re-relase of Bona Drag any further." In the entertainment industry, this is known as being "fuckingly stupid," as no performer in their right mind would ever think that their album doesn't need further promotion, unless they were completely smothered by their own suffocating pomposity. Oh, that's right. It's Morrissey. Nevermind!

Morrissey daydreaming about himself.

Morrissey loves when people talk about him constantly, so it was always an integral part of his grand scheme for world domination that the nature of his sexuality should remain ambiguous. It is a topic that has been endlessly debated since The Smiths first moped their way onto the music scene. Fierce disputes about Moz's sexuality among fans typically begin as vehement, incoherent shouting matches and quickly escalade to physical violence involving blunt objects, and have often resulted in copious bloodshed, riots, and runny mascara on the tear-stained cheeks of fat, suicidal teenage girls.

This photo is not homoerotic at all!

In the 80's, Morrissey gave the press consistently conflicting statements when asked about his sexuality. Many speculate that he spun a wheel to decide what he was into on any given day. Morrissey has hinted at bisexuality, asexuality, and was even fond of describing himself as a member of the "fourth sex," whatever the fuck that means. Morrissey often played around with the concept of androgyny to shock the world and knock it on its ass, and dared to go so far as to perform on stage with flowers shoved in his pants to make a point about the male capacity for sensitivity.

The man has flowers coming out of his ass for crying out loud.

Morrissey also claimed to be celibate for many years. He didn't want his sexual preference to alienate any of his ardent admirers, and the guise of celibacy was the perfect solution: it gave him security in the knowledge that the general public's alarming obsession with the personal lives of others would guarantee him a shitload of attention and an aura of superficial mystery that made him all the more desirable to horny, lonely fans, effectively upping his fuckability level to "Megan Fox."

Morrissey apologists frequently defend their savior by insisting that Morrissey is a true artist, and as such, he does not want to be defined by his sexuality or be pinned down by labels in any way. This is a textbook response straight out of the Predictable Fan Argument handbook and should under no circumstances be taken seriously.

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Morrissey shows us his personal philosophy.

Fans and music journalists have spent years analyzing the homoerotic imagery that is abundant in Morrissey's music and aesthetic. Smiths album covers, selected by Morrissey himself, frequently pictured gay porn stars like Joe Delesandro and Leo Ford. It is generally believed that being a hot, young guy is a prerequisite for being in Morrissey's backup band, as he has only ever allowed men that fit that description to join. Morrissey's apperance and manner over the years can easily be described as being pretty damn fruity. The video for "November Spawned a Monster" is the single gayest thing you will ever see.

Fierce.

Despite all of this, there are still many people out there who believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that Morrissey is a 100% heterosexual paragon of masculinity. These people are too dumb to live.

Even this guy knows.

Morrissey has effectively become the Gary Busey of the music world. Whenever either of them opens their mouth, we've come to expect that what follows is 99.7% likely to be something completely and utterly batshit insane. The difference is, when Busey speaks, we all want to pat him on the back, turn to each other, and say, "That Gary, what a card!" as we chuckle and wipe a tear from our eye. When Morrissey decides to grace us with his infinite wisdom (see: lunacy), the rest of the world just wishes Oliver Cromwell would have finished the job.

It would not be unreasonable to suggest that Morrissey be put on trial for several dozen counts of manslaughter for the many PR agents he has undoubtedly driven to suicide over the course of his career. Every time Morrissey sits down for an interview, his management team whip out their umbrellas and don their ponchos in preparation for the torrential shitstorm that will surely ensue.

Morrissey covers his face in shame, betraying his humanity and proving that he does feel some semblance of humility from time to time.

Morrissey has never been shy about making his opinions known, even when it is obvious that his thoughts on a particular subject are neither wanted nor needed, which is most of the time. Morrissey considers himself an expert on a number of subjects, a fact he chooses to demonstrate to the press time and time again. Usually his views are considered quite contrarian, and as a result, Morrissey has developed a reputation for controversy that has followed him for much of his career. The word "controversy," here means, "being as belligerent and offensive as possible to gain attention in a desperate attempt to remain relevant."

Let's take a walk through the Morrissey Oratory Hall of Shame:

On English football: "If it was a politician they were kicking around, if it was Tony Blair instead of a round object, I'd be captivated."

On immigrants: "Although I don't have anything against people from other countries, the higher the influx into England the more the British identity disappears. So the price is enormous."

On suicide: "I think self-destruction is honorable. I always thought it was. It's an act of great control and I understand people who do it."

On Madonna: "I wouldn't be surprised if she made that African boy she adopted into a coat and wore him for 15 minutes, then threw it away."

On people: "They are problems."

On the music industry: "Nothing any more to do with talent or gift or cleverness or originality. Every new artist flies in at number one, but in terms of live music they couldn't fill a telephone box."

On raves: "Rave is a refuge for the mentally deficient."

On carnivores: "Eating meat is really on the same moral level as child abuse."

Morrissey is on record as saying he'd rather eat his own balls than reunite The Smiths. Autocannibalism is fine and encouraged by the Morrissey camp, but if you even look at a Big Mac, you are so fucked. Lock up your husbands, lock up your pool boys, take one last bite of your steak dinner, and get the fuck out of dodge. The Moz is coming for you.

Morrissey taking his dog, Bonecrusher, out for a drive through the streets of LA. Don't be fooled by the pooch's innocent, "let me lick you" face: his insatiable hunger for human flesh and savage bloodlust have been the end of many a man.

Morrissey bans all employees from eating meat and seafood, and restricts all those even remotely involved with his tours to eating pre-ordered vegetarian meals, approved by him in advance. Should anyone stray from the vegetarian path or so much as glance in the general direction of a cheeseburger, it is likely they will resign from their job suddenly and under mysterious circumstances, never to be heard from again.

The fate of Morrissey's last personal assistant.

There have been a scant few survivors, like Andrew Winters, who served as a slave under the Morrissey regime worked as a member of Morrissey's tour staff in 2007 before being fed to Morrissey's flesh-eating cats getting his ass fired after just one day. Mr. Winters was never given an explanation as to why he was forced to relinquish his duties as Morrissey's assistant road manager, but there's a pretty good chance it's because Morrissey is a colossal dick. Winters recounted his experience in an article for The Times, published January 2008.

Among the many unnecessarily taxing and utterly fucking ludicrous tasks Winters was expected to get done each day to maintain regulation levels of pretension (including spraying Morrissey's practice space with a "fragrance of the day,"), adherence to the very strict dietary regimen that Morrissey put forth himself was an absolute must (note: REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT). Winters managed to deprive himself of delicious, meaty goodness for the very brief amount of time he was involved with Morrissey's tour, but it was all for naught, as he somehow wound up pissing Morrissey off in some other way, which, to be fair, is easier to accomplish than beating a paraplegic in a 50 yard dash.

I guess this means Morrissey isn't into oral.

Morrissey doesn't just limit his militant anti-meat policy to his own employees. No one is exempt. In 2008, Morrissey caused a Gigantor-sized ruckus at the 02 Wireless Festival in London when he demanded that all meat be banned from the backstage area at all times. Many of the musicians, industry reps, and other guests took issue with this for several reasons, but mostly because Morrissey wasn't even there for most of the time.

Morrissey was the festival headliner, and since headliners typically go on last, it was unnecessary for him to stay the entire day, which he didn't. But Morrissey must not have reached his Douchebag Quota for that day, because it just wasn't enough to ask for a meat-free zone for the short amount of time he'd be on the premises. That crowd of mostly meat-eaters were carrying out a natural biological funciton to restore energy on a very hot day, and goddamn it, he just couldn't in good conscious allow such heinous, evil behavior to go on, even if he weren't around to witness it first-hand. At any rate, the meat ban was approved, which, in hindsight, was probably a good thing. Why? Because otherwise, things like this happen:

Morrissey becomes overwhelmed with disgust over writing "Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others" and leaves the stage in embarrassment.

Morrissey knows how to make a scene, and that's exactly what he did at Coachella Festival in 2009. At some point during his set, Morrissey complained about the stench of meat permeating in the air, and uttered this priceless declaration: "I can smell burning flesh, and I hope to God it's human." After demonstrating his touching humanitarian nature, Morrissey and his band launched into "Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others," during which Morrissey walked offstage, unable to deal with the smell of meat any longer. Someone backstage told him the smells were in fact coming from the weird Donner Party-themed band playing in a tent nearby, and, apparently satisfied with the news, Morrissey returned shortly after to finish his set.

At Coachella, Morrissey attempts to whip a hot dog out of an audience member's hand using the microphone cable.

There are an estimated 6.8 billion people living on this planet. One of them is Morrissey. The rest are people he would like to see disemboweled and thrown into a river of acid. If you are a human being, chances are, you're on Morrissey's shit list. Sorry.

This photo is more terrifying than the thought of Nick Jonas making love to you.

Morrissey's distain for virtually every aspect of human existance makes it difficult to list everything he detests, so here are just a select few:

America

On his 2004 album titled You Are the Quarry, The Almighty Quiffed One has a bone to pick with quite a few people, including those he finds uninteresting, Conservative and Labour parties of UK parliamentary government, and lesbians who lack work ethic. But his very first target is the country of America, highlighted in "America Is Not the World" (no fucking duh, just look at a map), the album's opening track.

In the song, Morrissey criticizes America for what he perceives as its prejudices and shortcomings: "America, land of the free, they said. And of opportunity, in a just and truthful way. But where the president is never black, female or gay, and until that day, you've got nothing to say to me to help me believe." Think Barack Obama might have something to say to help you believe, Morrissey? You must feel like a total tool, now! Morrissey then goes on to tell America to take a hamburger and shove it in an improper place before calling its citizens fat pigs who will never be as hip as Estonians. What a dick.

Jesus

Another track off You Are the Quarry is "I Have Forgiven Jesus." The title suggests that Jesus wronged Morrissey in some way. A kind of tremendous misunderstanding, perhaps, as if the Son of God somehow made an egregious blunder that totally fucked up Morrissey's day. In the song, Morrissey asks Jesus why he abandoned him and made him so horny when there's nothing he can do about it. It is not made clear in the song what suddenly prompted Morrissey to be so uncharacteristically agreeable that he'd pardon the Messiah. Maybe Jesus decided to shine some celestial light on a men's bathhouse. In any event, Jesus is the only person Morrissey has ever shown mercy, and should consider himself very blessed.

These days, Morrissey and Jesus are pretty tight.

Journalists

Like most other things he comes across, Morrissey has never been fond of journalists. In interviews, he takes every opportunity to be as condescending and difficult with them as possible. Morrissey detests journalists so much that he wrote a song about them outlining his biggest grievances, mainly their propensity for spreading rumors and misinformation. Morrissey's dislike for journalists of course comes from the noblest, most altruistic of intentions, as he has always been a crusader for the truth. It certianly has nothing to do with the way news and print media confront him for his questionable views on race and find out about the men he is sleeping with who he pretends don't exist.

Canada

In 2006, Morrissey decided to protest Canada after hearing about the country's annual hunting of harp seals. Appalled and horrified, Morrissey decided that the best course of action to make Canadians see the error of their ways was to exclude their country from all future tours and berate them in the press. This accomplished nothing except alienating every single one of his Canadian fans and uniting an entire country against him. Which brings me to my next point...

What every Canadian Morrissey fan dreams of doing.

His Own Fans

The manner in which Morrissey sometimes conducts himself would lead one to assume he enjoys driving his fans to the point of uncontrollable rage and the brink self-destruction. Over the years, Morrissey has systematically shat on his fanbase (not literally, of course, Dave Matthews has that covered) while insisting to the press and anyone else who would listen that he has nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for his fans. So much so that these strong feelings are not at all reflected by his actions and behavior in real life.

Morrissey got tired of this shit and vowed revenge.

One: Morrissey is notorious for canceling shows--and on some occassions, almost entire tour legs--at the drop of a hat. Buying a ticket to see Morrissey live is a decision many have come to deeply regret, as the odds of Morrissey following through with a concert are starting to make Axl Rose look like a responsible performer. To add insult to injury, fans have reported spotting Morrissey out and about on the nights of his canceled shows, miraculously cured from the illness that was given as explanation for said show cancelations. Morrissey's alleged hooky spots include the DNA Lounge in San Fransisco and IKEA, where he was most likely examining handtowels.

Two: The show-canceling trend is not just limited to performances that have not yet taken place. As Morrissey is an ambitious man, it also carries over to shows that are already underway. As the Coachella 2009 incident demonstrates, Morrissey's drama queen potential can reach unprecedented heights and he will not hesitate to end a performance for any reason at all. Unfortunately for fans, the resumed performance at Coachella was a rarity. Morrissey doesn't always come to his senses. His inner diva is constantly crying to be let out, and sometimes that bitch is damn persistent. Fans at a November 2009 concert in Liverpool learned this fact very well, as they were witness to what is now known as "The Bottle Incident." Two songs into Morrissey's set at Echo Arena, a plastic bottle was hurled from the audience and ricocheted off of Morrissey's head. Morrissey, unfamiliar with the phrase "the show must go on," stormed offstage and his band soon followed. The audience eventually realized they were essentailly being told to go fuck themselves and left.

A fan gives Morrissey a thumbs-up, unfortunately unaware that the liquid explosion coming from his head was not part of the theatrics.

Three: Morrissey is not above telling fans to go fuck themselves before having them forcably ejected from his shows, which is exactly what he did during a performance in Hamburg, Germany in 2009. Before launching into the Smiths hit, "Ask," Morrissey quipped that people from Hamburg should be called Hamburgists, rather than Hamburgers, so that their names are no longer sullied by association with something so vile as a type of sandwich. Allegedly, one audience member shouted back in defense, and, because Morrissey suffers from a rare and serious medical condition which leaves him unable to take a joke, he singled this man out and humiliated him in front of thousands, before having him removed from the show. The arena thundered with cheers and applause, lending support to the long-standing theory that Morrissey fans are almost bigger assholes than Morrissey himself.