Maury

Besides looking like the grandfather of the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz, Maury is best known for hosting Maury, a show in which he bitch slaps countless young men with the DNA evidence of their past mistakes on national television.

Remember that night you drank one or seven too many shots and fooled around with that ugly chick in the alley behind the bar? Maury does.

Just The Facts

  1. Maury has been on the air since 1991, when it was originally called "The Maury Povich Show".
  2. Maury has 3 children, one of which he and current wife Connie Chung adopted so while at home Maury could still scream "I AM NOT THE FATHER!" while waving his DNA evidence around frantically.
  3. Maury is an avid golfer and a devout Republican.
  4. Mr. Povich was a radio reporter, sports reporter, field reporter, news anchor, and the co-host of A Current Affair before hosting Maury, showing his versatility by being able to read off of teleprompters from various different eras.

Cracked on Maury

The Maury show is much like most other shitty daytime talk shows. It allows you to simultaneously feel better about yourself in comparison to the people on stage, and then plummet into a state of depression after realizing you're spending your time watching daytime television. Maury is basically a PG-13 version of The Jerry Springer Show, ya know....without as much random genital exposure and shoe throwing hillbillies.

.Pictured: Hillbillies

Damnit Maury, you could be this if you'd only apply yourself.

Maury show topics

Paternity Tests: Maury's bread and butter if you will, sees him in the role of a geriatric Julius Caesar, holding the fate of some poor bastard in his liver spotted hand. After a brief back story is given and both the mother and alleged father (or "babies daddy" as Maury fans like to say) are heard from, Maury then opens the envelope and makes one guest happy, and the other very, very sad. This may be preceded by the answers to a lie detector test if one of the guests happens to be extra slutty. Sometimes guests make reappearances on the show if they fail to find the father (child support check) of their kid. Like this woman for example.

Strange Phobias: Maury sometimes has episodes dealing with people who are scared of really weird shit. Not logical things like death, sharks, or dick thiefs; we're talking peaches motherfucker. Thats right. Peaches. Other nightmare inducing objects include Jello, gum, chicken, pickles, mustard, cotton balls, and balloons. Well ok balloons are kind of scary.

Oh snap.

Transgender: These episodes center around a little game called "Man or Woman?" where the audience trys to guess the gender of different guests. The fun factor of this game significantly decreases when played in a club after consuming large quantities of alcohol.

Obese Children: Fat kids, and lots of them. Maury usually has a "specialist" of some sort, whether it be a doctor or some guy trying to sell his new weightloss book, appear on the show to explain to everyone that its bad to be 400 pounds. Thanks Maury.