Watchmen

Watchmen is the epic tale of a big blue dong. Also, apparently some have claimed that superheroes are involved in some way.

ALL PRAISE THE DONG!

Just The Facts

  1. Watchmen is a graphic novel created by writer Alan Moore, artist Dave Gibbons. It was adapted into a motion picture by director Zack Snyder.
  2. In February 2008, 20th Century Fox brought a lawsuit against Warner Bros. that alleged copyright infringement on the Watchmen film property. We can conclude from this that Fox is run by douche-bags.
  3. It is a myth that Watchmen is about superheroes, the plot is actually largely focused on the previously mentioned big blue dong.

Cracked on Watchmen

Many of us here at Cracked get boners for Watchmen, and not just because of the big blue dong. The graphic novel, released in several instalments between 1986 and 1987, is arguably the most celebrated graphic novel of all time. As if to make this an undeniable fact, Watchmen was the only graphic novel to appear on Time's 2005 "All-TIME 100 Greatest Novels" list. All other graphic novels are reported to have wept over this. Also, Watchmen co-creator Alan Moore looks like a hobo-Jesus.

You handsome bastard.

Doctor Manhattan

Doctor Manhattan is the owner of the BIG BLUE DONG, that is all anyone needs to know about him. Oh, and he can split into several Doctor Manhattans, resulting in several big blue dongs.

"Please stop talking about our dongs."

Rorschach

With the exception of the Dong, Rorschach is probably the most famous Watchmen character, mainly due to him being a psychotic. Rorschach is the main narrator to both the graphic novel and the movie, this narration comes from his journal. Journal very precise, sounds like this, tedious to imitate.

It is only because of Rorschach that we can appreciate how much of a bunch of pussies most other superheroes are. Rorschach does not have any superpowers, meaning that everything awesome he does is without the aid of radiation or alien parents. By the time of the beginning of Watchmen's main story arc, Rorschach has already killed several criminals and is wanted for murder, throughout the story we see him kill three more and set a police officer on fire. All of them (with the exception of the cop) pretty much deserved it. Rorschach has absolutely no rules or boundaries when it comes to taking down criminals, Cracked scientists estimate that this makes Rorschach at least 60% more awesome than Batman.

Pussy

Silk Spectre

The token woman, sadly there isn't a token black guy so she's our only token character. At the beginning of the story she is Doctor Manhattan's girlfriend, so she has had extremely close contact with the dong, although for some reason she turned down the chance to have several big blue dongs at once.

We here at Cracked like to think that we're professionals, so we will spend the rest of Silk Spectre's entry talking about the depth of her personality and her emotional journey and not in any way focus on her skin tight suit or boobs.

Christ, who are we kidding? SKIN TIGHT SUIT AND BOOBS.

Good lord...

The Comedian

The Comedian is in the Rorschach league of anti-heroes, due to the fact that he commits more evil acts and kills more people than the average super villain. In many ways it's hard to cheer for him, afterall in one scene he attempts to rape the original Silk Spectre. Obviously we here at Cracked cannot support such acts, especially not since our own trial is ongoing.

Let's be honest, this pic is at least 3 kinds of awesome

Ozymandias

Ozymandias (SPOILERS) (SPOILERS) (SPOILERS) (SPOILERS) (SPOILERS) (SPOILERS) (SPOILERS) (SPOILERS) (SPOILERS) the (SPOILERS) (SPOILERS) (SPOILERS) with (SPOILERS) (SPOILERS) (SPOILERS) (SPOILERS) like it's (SPOILERS) (SPOILERS) (SPOILERS) and (SPOILERS) (SPOILERS) (SPOILERS) dildo.

Hope that clears things up

Nite Owl

Nite Owl and many of us here at Cracked have more in common than you might think. While it's true that Cracked doesn't have an underground lair or our own aircraft (not yet at least), we do share Nite Owl's not-so-super powers of obesity and erectile dysfunction. I would like to stress that the last part was a joke, we here at Cracked are in perfect shape and have dongs that just won't quit.

We feel your pain