Christine O'Donnell

Christine O'Donnell looks halfway decent, in a Sarah Palin sort of way. She is also the Westboro Baptist Church of the Republican Party.

Who?

Born in 1969, and the 5th of the 6 children of Bozo the Clown, O'Donnell initially aspired to the theatre, before realising politics is where the exposure is at. She claimed to have graduated from Fairleigh Dickinson University in 1993, with a Degree in English Literature, and a concentration in Communication. Either due to the media's liberal bias, or because they noticed she couldn't, y'know, communicate, journalists looked into her degree and found it didn't exist. It was then revealed that she had spent the summer of 2010 earning her degree amidst the controversy over her resume. Presumably she used study montage techniques learned from 80s movies like Back to School.

My life is a sitcom, except crazier!

As an ex political lobbyist, PR geek, senior member of the "Right to Life" movement, and the only attractive Fox News commentator, she is no virgin when it comes to the rough and tumble political scene. In a surprise upset for the incumbent, she gained the Republican senatorial candidacy for Delaware thanks to endorsements by the Tea Party and that other, vaguely distubingly attractive Right-wing nutjob, Sarah Palin. Driven and determined to succeed to the Senate on this, her third attempt, her ability to make anyone give a shit about Delaware is probably her greatest accomplishment to date.

Dela-where. The bit New Jersey didn't want.

She has accomplished this mostly on the shoulders of her outspokeness. Normally, any publicity is good, right? However, when Karl Rove

calls you a nut

and you're on his side, you probably have a serious problem.

O'Donnell on Gays

Of course you could see this one coming.

Surprisingly for someone of her background, she is quite light on the whole "Gays are evil and will burn in Hell" aspect of the GOP platform. She prefers to appear more modern and caring, and blame society for giving gays an Identity Disorder.

"People are created in God's image. Homosexuality is an identity adopted through societal factors. It's an identity disorder," - O'Donnell, 2006.

That's right, gays are not evil, they have simply been driven insane by society. Hell, even the American Psychiatric Association declassified homosexuality as a mental disorder nearly 40 years ago.

Of course, it didn't stop her using the gay charge to smear her rival for the Republican nomination as candidate for Delaware senator, sweetly implying that he was not only gay but, by her own definition, insane.

"I think that that's a very tacky approach. I never said that Mike Castle was gay. I don't endorse putting out rumors that Mike Castle is gay."

Ever heard the phrase "Shit sticks?" A classic use of the Illusory Truth Effect.

And don't get her started on Gay Pride ...

"Well, I know that the one here in Los Angeles, there was S&M going on. There was mocking sodomy, mocking, you know, all kinds of crude sexual acts," - O'Donnell, Fox News June 26, 2000

O'Donnell on AIDS

Sorry - this you will have to watch this yourself to believe it. The author has watched it 6 times and still doesn't believe it.

Sex. You're doing it wrong.

Like many people who are a little uptight about sex, the nuke of the STD world gives O'Donnell the shivers. Not the disease itself, but the fact we spend money trying to cure and prevent it.

"When somebody finds out that they're at high risk for heart disease, they cut out the fatty foods, they start exercising, they quit smoking. However, our approach to AIDS, when you're in a high risk behavior, is to eliminate the consequences so that you can continue in your lifestyle which brings about this disease,"

"A lot of the money that we're spending goes to things that we know will not prevent AIDS, but indeed will continue to spread the disease. A lot of our money goes to distribute condoms in high schools, and a lot of our money goes to distribute material that is literally pornographic." - O'Donnell, 1997 Cspan interview.

O'Donnell on Sex

For a former party girl that now promotes abstinence, O'Donnell has a total fascination with sex. Other people's sex. She wants that shit stopped, right now.

Sex. You are still doing it wrong.

"Dorm life has evolved into a blending of the sexes, from coed buildings to coed floors, coed bathrooms and now even coed rooms," O'Donnell commented, "What's next? Orgy rooms? Menage a trois rooms?" O'Donnell,

"You're going to stop the whole country from having sex?" O'Donnell replied, "Yes." O'Donnell

So typically amateurish - you don't need a special room for an orgy, any reasonably flat surface will do. So sex is out for O'Donnell fans. At least that leaves us our internet porn and right arm exercises - something most readers here are far more comfortable with anyway.

"The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. So you can't masturbate without lust." O'Donnell

"If he already knows what pleases him and he can please himself, than why am I in the picture?" O'Donnell

For some unfathomable reason, this stance has raised a tidal wave of protest, with wankers across the country converging on Wilmington (apparently, that is the city in Delaware) to protest. A move that, according to Police spokesman Crandall Darlington, will cost the city tens of thousands in clean up costs while getting absolutely nobody laid.

This ad is wrong on so many levels.

However, in all this madness, O'Donnell has revealed a public service that absolutely needs addressed: Will some one please get this bitch laid!

O'Donnell on Obama

It is pretty much obligatory for each side to bash the other during an election year. All is fair in love, war and competition for our limited attention spans, so we have no problem with O'Donnell striking out at Obama. It's just the

way

she did it.

"He's soooo liberal. He's anti-American. He's beating the 'change' drum. But let's look at the change. He did not vote for English as the official language. What does that say?" - O'Donnell, 2008 campaign video

How the hell should we know? You are the English major, we just write dick jokes in the dick joke mines of Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Being Liberal is anti-American? You know, the one country on the planet that has "We are a melting pot, we take in anyone" on their doormat? But clearly a vote on English as the official language is the most important issue facing the country when it already fucking well is the official language!

O'Donnell on "The Truth"

Note: this in no way implies we think she has a fat ass.

One thing we will give O'Donnell. As the founder of Saviour's Alliance for Lifting the Truth (SALT), she believes in the Truth - and yes, with a capital T. There is never any excuse to lie, as shown by this exchange from Bill Maher's "Politically Correct" in 1998

O'DONNELL: "A lie, whether it be a lie or an exaggeration, is disrespect to whoever you're exaggerating or lying to, because it's not respecting reality."

MAHER: "Quite the opposite, it can be respect."

IZZARD: "What if someone comes to you in the middle of the Second World War and says, 'do you have any Jewish people in your house?' and you do have them. That would be a lie. That would be disrespectful to Hitler."

O'DONNELL: "I believe if I were in that situation, God would provide a way to do the right thing righteously. I believe that!"

MAHER: "God is not there. Hitler's there and you're there."

O'DONNELL: "You never have to practice deception. God always provides a way out."

Truth should spread to every part of your life though. It is a fundamental that you cannot be truthful without being honest. Which is why some have suggested that O'Donnell pay the $12,000 in back taxes she owes. It is a good thing to know that at least her truth stance is the same as all other politicians.

O'Donnell on Science

Look. We know O'Donnell is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. And science is difficult to comprehend - almost magical in fact. While we do expect her to follow the party line and deny climate change, her approach to the topic is refreshingly unusual:

"I don't have an opinion on that. I would have to look at a specific piece of legislation. When it comes to cap and trade, the bill that has supposedly out there to combat climate change, I'm absolutely opposed to cap and trade because of its economic consequences." [CNN, 10/8/10]

Climate change is legislation? There isn't legislation already on the books she can look at? OK, fair enough, no one likes Al Gore anyway. Lets look a bit closer to home. Does she actually understand what a theory is?

"Now too many people are blindly accepting evolution as fact. But when you get down to the hard evidence, it's merely a theory. Well, creationism, in essence, is believing that the world began as the Bible in Genesis says, that God created the Earth in six days, six 24-hour periods. And there is just as much, if not more, evidence supporting that." New York Magazine, 9/15/10

"You know what, evolution is a myth. Well then, why aren't monkeys still evolving into humans?" Politically Incorrect, 10/15/98

So how about stem cell research and genetic engineering? That is a hot button issue at the moment for all sorts of reasons, especially the idea of man playing God.

"American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains." O'Donnell completely missing thepoint on the use of fetal stem cells to cure neurological disorders on Fox News' O'Reilly Factor.

This Just In

O'Donnell has refused to do any more interviews before the election.

"I'm not going to do any more national media," she told Sean Hannity. "It's off the table because that's not going to help me get votes." Hannity, 9/21/10

Probably a good idea.

At least someone on her campaign team has sense.