Australian Greens

The Australian Greens are a group of environmentalists masquerading as politicians. And they also like drugs. Lots of them.

This chart may or may not have been endorsed by Senator Bob Brown.

The 'Gang of Four' - Richo, Sarah, Bobby and Adam.

He's smiling because he knows where you live.

Just The Facts

  1. The Greens want to save the environment.
  2. They want to do this by putting a tax on carbon emissions and making us use bicycles.
  3. This is ridiculous.
  4. They are ridiculous.

What The Greens Are (Supposedly) About

The Greens mainly focus on environmental issues. According to their website, however, 'The Greens are much more than an environmental party.' They also promote 'meaningful and smart solutions' to ensure that 'future generations of Australians have clean air, clean water and clean soil'.

I get it now. Taxing people is pretty smart if you can make people believe that they are actually helping save the environment by being taxed. And where's the tax money going to go to? The Greens, I guess. Or developing 'smart solutions', such as bicycles, and probably anti-gravity. You know, damn gravity causing flipping acid rain and junk. It's got to go.

Basically, the Greens want to 'save the environment' and prevent 'dangerous climate change'. Never mind that the earth goes through cycles of change by itself, but whatever. Don't worry - man has significantly terraformed the entire planet in the past 150 years.

The Greens are also widely know for their rationality. For instance, driving cars while rambling on about carbon emissions. Hell, I probably have less of a carbon footprint than these people. Also note the fact that the Greens will jump on any seemingly obscure cause simply to appear 'alternative' and 'modern'. While they appear to know what's what and 'stand up for what's right', in reality the Greens are anything but.

For example, take a look at greensmps.org.au/blog/racism-does-exist-australia

Sarah Hanson-Young attempts to write a logical piece on how Australia is full of racists and she gets owned by a guy called 'Jim'. Good job. It is typical Greens behaviour to latch onto a concept without looking at the surrounding picture. For instance, a murdered Indian student immediately means that Australians are racists. It does not matter than heaps of other murders occur, or that Indian students are more likely to be murdered back in India. Nope, these Greens know the truths of life.

Key Players

BOB BROWN

Bob Brown in his true form.

Bob Brown in his true form.

Bob Brown is the leader of the Greens.

He is also totally insane, and a hippy. Examples of his many antics include the time he fasted for a week on top of Mt Wellington in 1976 to protest against the arrival of the nuclear powered warship USS Enterprise at Hobart. That's right - he's been paving the way for utterly ineffective protest methods since 1976.

He also once tried his hand at fighting Forestry Tasmania in Federal Court, in an attempt to protect some forest or something. There was also some threat to some endangered species of some beetle and other environmentalist rubbish no one actually cares about. And if you think I'm just dredging up the past, this happened in 2005. Inevitably, Bob Brown lost the case and was ordered to pay $240,000. But being a stingy man-child, he of course couldn't pay up. He was now on the brink of bankruptcy and his job was on the line. It seemed that Bob, much like an endangered yellow-bellied rock-cat, had used up his 9 lives. BUT WAIT. In an insane turn of events straight out of a failed teleplay, none other than entrepeneur and electronics-store guru Dick Smith himself came to Bob's rescue and bailed him out. Oh, and Bob Brown also got some sweet cash from over 1000 donors. Guess his approach of 'attacking everything that breathes oxygen' didn't really work for him that time, although he still succeeded in taking more people's money, as well as not paying for his mistake, learning a lesson, or gaining sanity.

Evidently, Bob thinks we are all a bunch of dirty capitalist environment-destroying pigs - but do not fear, for Bobby knows the way. His alternative ideas are positively revolutionary. Sort of like how Lenin totally knew how to run Russia. Except instead of it being a case of 'Communism actually sounds alright in principle but is near impossible to implement in reality', it's a case of 'Bob Brown's ideas sound like they came from the depths of an insane asylum, and in principle make no sense whatsoever unless you are higher than Ozzy Osbourne sitting on top of a really tall chair which is in turn on top of Mt Everest'.

SARAH HANSON-YOUNG

What are you doing Sarah. You can't rap, you don't even have any bling.

OH GOD I TAKE IT BACK YOU CAN RAP JUST PLEASE DON'T EAT MY SOUL YOU DEMON

Sarah Hanson-Young is the Greens senator for South Australia, and with such a crazy-awesome-totally-non-pretentious-double-barrelled surname, you just know this chick is modern and independent. Ain't nobody gonna infringe on her rights as a female. She is an independent woman. And she wants all of us to know it.

Sarah Hanson-Young is perhaps most famously know for being beaten down by logic whenever she opens her mouth and attempts to form sentences. The above scenario in which her attempt to talk about racism was shot to pieces by some random guy on the internet called Jim is but one example of this widespread phenomenon. On one episode of Q&A she was shut down after having a go at Malcolm Turnbull for his theoretical actions had he been in charge of the country because he wouldn't support a second stimulus package. The entire audience booed, causing Sarah to fail. Turnbull got his revenge when Sarah was asked if the Greens would remain true to their ideological purity with all the new power they have. She responded with some rubbish and basically said 'yes'. Turnbull, in a comeback worthy of the history books, responded with 'There are none so pure as the impotent.'

To which Sarah tried to say something, failed, and silently raged inside her head. Her face may also have deepened several shades of red.

Sarah Hanson-Young is also a feminist, although you won't hear it from her.

RICHARD DI NATALE

He's the one on the left right left.

Not much to say about this clown, other than his last name mean Christmas in Italian.

ADAM BANDT

Adam (not posing) in mid-vote.

Adam Bandt is, as of the 2010 Federal Election, the Parliament member for Melbourne.

Analysts are still trying to figure out whether

A) the voting was rigged, or

B) most of Melbourne's population was under the influence of psychoactive drugs whilst voting.

Either way, now Melbourne is stuck with him.

A SELECTION OF GREEN POLICIES

Now it's time to direct our cold, analytic eyes towards some real Green policies.

First up is 'Climate Change Principle #2'

'We have only 10-15 years to use our collective human intelligence to address the crisis of climate change and to prevent catastrophe.'

Alright I'm calling BS on this one. Firstly, is there any sort of science behind this I can take a look at? Or did Bob Brown simply pull this number out of an endangered swamp-beetle's mouth-horns? I'm looking around and you know, I honestly don't see how in 10-15 years we are going to be so apocalyptically screwed that we won't be able to survive. And come on now Greens, is it 10 years or 15? I have plans, you know. There's going to be hell to pay if I don't marry my girlfriend because unbeknownst to me, I had set my wedding date for 2022 when in reality my world would go to hell in 2020.

And what do we mean by 'catastrophe'. Is that like 'catastrophic extinction of the silver-crested red-bellied Great Emperor butterfly'? Or 'catastrophic destruction of the world like we saw in flipping 2012 with volcanoes and big-ass waves and junk'?

We need to know these things, Greens.

And what about 'Environment Principle #1':

'Human beings are part of the natural world, and all forms of life on Earth deserve our respect.'

You mean I'm not living on the 5th plane of Consciousness surrounded by quasi-demons? No wonder I have no friends.

And Greens, you're going to have to be a bit more specific. Do rapists deserve our respect? Killers? Child molesters? Eh? It's all well and good to sound like you care about life and junk, but you actually have to consider all the messed up stuff that is actually alive. And Greens, Ima let you finish, but it's a tad pointless to respect some things, like plankton, and massive great white sharks. If I'm being attacked by a ginormous shark, I don't care how much it deserves my respect - I'm going to try poke it's goddamn eyes out and kick its teeth in, and hopefully kill it dead.

The Greens also want to 'Support the right of people from the age of 16 years to vote', according to 'Children And Young People Measure #1'.

Now I don't know about you Greens, but where I live, 16 year olds don't even know what good music is, who they are as a person, or how to drink responsibly, let alone vote in an election. 16 year olds usually care about politics as much as I care about the history of maple syrup production in Ontario.

Although I can clearly see the Greens' logic in this, because young people are stupid, and thus several times more likely to vote for whatever seems alternative at the time.

But they have saved the best for last.

According to their 'Human Rights Measures', the Greens will 'oppose the death penalty in all cases and support campaigns for its abolition'.

Such a strong and virtuous statement! These Greens must really be something else! Hell yeah! Down with the death penalty! Amen!

Except for one small detail.

There is no death penalty in Australia.

The Australian Greens honestly do not even know this. I am not making this up.

WHY THE GREENS SHOULD NEVER BE IN CHARGE OF AUSTRALIA

We would all be $%#!ed.