Girls

Girls are specimens that can be beautiful angels from heaven, awful witches from hell, or both in the same day (depending on whether or not you remembered their birthday).

This is something cute, pictured here because the image uploader wouldn't upload the right picture to the first slot. Enjoy.

Girls also have genitalia in the same place you have yours, but they are not the same as yours.

Just The Facts

  1. Girls have less penis and more boobs than you (if you are a boy).
  2. There are girls who only want to kiss other girls. You are going to have to accept this.
  3. There is a highly complex, fast-paced language that girls use 100% of the time (like Spanish, except faster), and no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to understand them. You are going to have to accept this.

History

Girls have been around since boys have. This is because girls are 50% of babymaking, all the time, no exceptions.

"Martha? I'm going to need you on this one!"

Girls are going to be around for as long as boys are, too, or maybe a little bit longer, depending on if they suddenly become interested in firearms, and if you keep buying them power tools for your anniversary.

Interacting with Girls

At some point in your life, your are going to have to talk to a girl. It's not that bad, though, because sometimes, if you talk to them really well, you'll talk them right out of their clothing. This is good. This is what you want.

SUCCESS!!! 1 MILLION PTS! VICTORY LAZORS PEWPEWPEW!!!!11!!!

Also, some girls are related to you, so chances are you've already talked to a girl! All right! (PS: Don't sleep with girls who are related to you. It's weird.)

= The same weird as incest.

Okay, let's assume you're talking to a girl. DON'T try to get their clothes off right now. Sometimes girls just want someone for talking. Most of the time they do this with other girls, but on occassion you will be confined to this zone, this "Talk-only-no-sensual-touching Zone."

Even if you get a boner, she still only wants you for talking. Sorry.

Fear not, this is not a fate worse than death! Not all girls want you in the "Talk-only-no-sensual-touching Zone"!

REJOICE, MY BROTHERS!

Which Ones?

The ones that tell you that they like you.

Not all girls do this, though, because of the awful gender role that has been created for us guys: Being the One Who Makes the First Move

Dear Feminists,

Please empower women so that they feel okay planting the kiss on the boy in this situation. Also, congratulations on getting the vote.

Sincerely,

-Me

Girls also have an awful gender role: Trying To Not Look Like Sluts

I don't know who told girls that it's bad to have a sexual appetite that incorporates multiple tastes, but they are going to get their asses kicked if I find them.

She's disgusting for other reasons!

Nevertheless, girls are generally the less likely to start up a li'l sum'in sum'in, so learning how to direct a conversation into a corner it can't get out from, pin it down, and force out an awkward proposition is a powerful skill for someone who likes a girl.

Pictured: Suave

DISCLAIMER:

Girls also like a good "listener." This means not so much talk as eye contact while they talk about themselves. You may be quizzed on the content of the jabber at any time, though, so try to focus every so often on words like "Oh my God" or "I can't believe she."

and stop staring at her boobs so much.

Did you guys see those boobs in that last picture? They were on those girls.

Stuff Girls Like (Featuring Advice From a Girl - But It's Not All 100% Or Anything, So Be Flexible - Oh, That's A Good One, Let's Put That In the List)

-Be Yourself

Even if you're an awful tentacle-monster.

-Be A Good Listener (See? Told You)

-Be Attractive (Differs By Girl, So Don't Lose Hope)

-Have A Sense of Humor

-Have An Accent

-Have Good Friends Who Aren't Going To Cockblock You When You're Trying To Get It On.

-Pay Attention to Her, and Stop Using the Computer So Much (Finish the Article First, Though)

-Buy Nice Things For Her.

-Notice When She Changes Something.

-Don't Be Creepy

Sorry, Chtulu, there's just no point in time when you're not creepy.

-Try Busting A Move

Re: Other Sex Things

MASTURBATION:

This is what you do when you think of hot girls. Here's an interesting fact: Girls also masturbate! Isn't that something?

Bravo!

Remember: Girls have to think about that Trying Not To Be A Slut gender role (which is awful and I do not condone), so just because they don't talk about sex doesn't mean they don't want none.

Re: Rape

Rape is a felony (and mean). Don't do that.

Here's a handy consultation manual.

What a badass chick. I find that sexy. I would like to have sex with her. But I would ask first.

PS: It's possible for girls to rape guys. I'm not positive it's likely, though.

Types of Girl (Disclaimer - I know these are generalizations)

Straight Girl:

These are the ones that you kiss if you are a straight male (and you get consent). Most of them like cute things, attractive boys, being appropriately sexual, looking nice, being told they look nice, shoes, puppies, and shoes. Some of them like video games, some of them don't. Some of them are into nerdy guys, some of them aren't. Hopefully, you will find a nice one that won't cheat on you (most of them don't cheat on you).

Gay Girl (Or, Lesbian):

You know what, I bet this is a picture of two drunk straight girls. Five bucks says it is.

They're hot (the hot ones are, at least. Some of them look like dudes.), but they don't want to kiss you. They like other girls. Some of them like doing guy things (like kiss girls), some of them are girly. There's a lesbians topic page, actually. Go ahead and check that out.

Mean Girls:

These girls could be gay or straight. They are not nice. They are mean. A lot of them are pretty, which is why they're so mean: they know people will like them anyways, because they are nice to look at. They are manipulative and icky and I dislike them.

Do not be friends with mean girls.

Do not hook up with mean girls.

Diss them.

Feminists (Girl Ones, Boys can be feminists):

Feminists can be gay or straight, mean or nice, boy or girl (but I already said that). They make it a point to make a point of empowering women. Feminists are not usually ball-breakers (the bad ball-breakers). Cracked did an article with feminism in it, you should read it so I don't have to justify my position to you. The reason feminists are their own section of girl is because some girls are not feminists. Duh.

In Conclusion

For the most part, I like girls.

And not just the ones that live next door.

Girls can give you a reason to dislike them sometimes, but remember: they are still attractive. Also remember that they get pissed at you too (sometimes for stupid reasons). Girls are less likely to commit Fundamental Attribution Errors, which means they think about stuff more. Sometimes too much. Actually too much.

There are also girls who aren't pretty. Sadly, this is true. The reason I didn't put a picture of a non-pretty girl here is because it's mean to tell someone that they aren't pretty.

You should be nice to girls.