Madonna

Madonna is either a very desperate old woman, or a very sexy dead body.

nothing sexier then a 50 year old women who looks like a man in bad drag.

Just The Facts

  1. Madonna brought out a sex book. (But she doesn't like to talk about it.)
  2. Madonna can't act.
  3. Madonna IS 50 YEARS OLD!

Madonna the early years AKA The normal(ish) years.

Madonna first came to the public's attention when an unlucky bastard by the name of Dan Gilroy became romantically involved with her, this led onto the development of the band "The Breakfast Club"

No, not that Breakfast Club.

It was actually a rock band to which she sang and played drums and guitar in, (Jack of all trades, master of fuck all.) But she quickly departed when she realised it was a bad idea to call your band the same name as a future blockbuster starring Judd Nelson. She then moved onto unlucky bastard number two, Stephan Bray, to which she formed a band with called "Emmy" (Anyone else starting to see a pattern here?) This time she actually attracted the attention of a record producer who was impressed by her dancing. (I bet he is kicking himself every time he sees he dancing now.) And thus Madonna came up with such non-controversial hits such as "Justify my love" and "Like a Prayer"

"What's that, standing next to burning symbols of our lord Jesus Christ is controversial? Well that is news to me."

Madonna the fame years AKA The sexual explict years.

Madonna now deciding she wants to put all those controversial headlines behind her decides to create her own entertainment company, she is now making more money then god predicting the lottery numbers and decides to bring out her own sex book, this sent the public into an uproar, and many people jumped onto to the "How dare you bring out such a disgusting book." bandwagon, but not before stopping of at the nearest store and purchasing 1,500,000 copies at $50 each, not a bad money making idea considering that was only within the first few days of it's release. (Amazing how much money horny teenagers can get when they put there minds to it..) But of course this book was full of nudity and depraved acts and Madonna didn't want anyone to talk about it because she was above that, she had dignity and morales, she then released her fifth album "Erotica" which contains such famous hits as "Deeper and Deeper" and "Bad Girl", she then felt that she needed to expand her career and went on to star in such straight to video movies like "Body of Evidence" and "Dangerous Games", the first film mentioned contains scenes of graphic S&M and Bondage and the second was just shit. Still wanting to put all the sexual exploits behind her she started to change her ways by going on tour, each night on her "The girlie show world tour" she would come out dressed as a whip-cracking dominatrix surrounded by topless dancers, (because you know there is no sexual imagery there.) This eventually pissed of the public not to mention Puerto Rico who witnessed Madonna on stage with their flag and rubbing it between her legs, the public shunned her saying she "has gone to far." and claiming her career to be over.

Wait. Before you open up the champagne to celebrate, there is more.

Madonna the shunned years AKA Can you please tone it down a bit Madonna?

Even after she showed a couple of tame appearances with Jay Leno and Letterman Madonna was still shunned and people were starting to ignore her, now Madonna had a few choices at this point in time, she could accept it and live off the crapload of money she had earned, she could go full out crazy and climb the closest clock tower with a sniper rifle, or she could start to change her appearance to prove she is not a sexual pest. Unfortunately we wasn't on her idea committee so she opted for option three and against our better wishes and judgement, we let her. She suddenly found Kabbalah and came back into the charts with hits like "Ray Of Light" and "Beautiful Stranger" which was used on the soundtrack to "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me." She was a hit again but unfortunately she kept on trying to break into the acting business, it also didn't help that she married a film director and unlucky bastard number three Guy Ritchie, a man who if you combined his income with Madonna's multi million dollars you would have a grand total of Madonna's multi million dollars. A couple of years lying low and playing happy families pays of when Guy drops her in any movie he makes and the opportunity to sing a 007 theme song comes knocking her way. The public now loves her again.

Sorry everyone. Maybe next time.

Madonna the back in the limelight years AKA Now it is just getting creepy.

With Madonna now back in the limelight she started to slip into her old ways (No pun intended with the word "OLD") She started to collaborate with the likes of Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and Missy Elliot, this resulted in her least successful album of her entire career, so to make herself feel better she made out with Britney and Christina on stage.

This is the very moment Madonna passes on the "Crazy" virus.

After the kiss Britney later goes onto shave her head and have a very public mental breakdown, the moral of this story kids is that no good can ever come of kissing Madonna. Madonna counter attacked the claim that she was slipping into bad habits by supporting a lot of charities such as the "Tsunami Aid" This is also the point in time when she started to adopt little children.

"I want the one in the 2nd row."

Madonna the present years AKA 50 isn't the new 30 Madonna.

As well as all her important charity work and adopting as many children as she could Madonna also had time to go though a very public divorce with Guy Ritchie. This is also the time were pictures started to come to the public's attention showing her in such a toned shape your vomit would throw up if it saw them.

No caption needed. It speaks for itself.

She also decided to start dating people with unfortunate names, she started dating a guy called Jesus and when that relationship failed for unforeseen reasons you started dating a guy called Moses.

This guy is shitting himself.

So now we are left with the present day Madonna, an older woman who is convinced she is a teenager with enough children to take over the small country she adopted them from and is still gyrating her creepy toned body because leotards seems to be the only thing in her wardrobe. A woman who is so "in your face" that on two separate occasions highly trained horses have tried to assassinate her. But the public still love her, so she will never stop. And we just have to live with her, the good news is if you don't actually watch the videos the music isn't that bad.