Dolphins are the people of the sea. They are the only known creatures to share all of our "unique" human behaviors while still managing to exist underwater, which is something man to this day has failed miserably at doing.


Just The Facts

  1. Dolphins, like humans, have large brains, an appetite for sex, a thirst for blood, and are totally rad.
  2. Dolphins, also like humans, are kind of dicks.

Why Dolphins Are Rad

Did you know that dolphins make awesome friends? Seriously, they'll probably save your life one day. They might also kill you and fuck around with your body a little bit for shits and giggles, so make sure you keep your new dolphin friends content with your being alive. Speaking of being alive, did you know that these things live in the ocean? That's crazy! Humans have been (sort of half-assedly) trying to get around the seven seas beyond the fear of giant squid for millennia (why the hell does the spell checker underline that word? What kinds of systems are we using here?!). Well, once you have yourself a new dolphin friend, you'll be able to run all sorts of awesome underwater missions! Like if you're going on a cruise, drop stuff off the side and have him put it in a net dragging underneath the boat. Plus, you always know you got a man at your back if you fall off in the middle of the ocean, and he can totally get you laid in the Bahamas! Did you know dolphins are smart enough to distinguish between quantities, and manipulate their environments in order to in turn manipulate those quantities? "Wow," you say, "that's awesome! But, it's not really useful to me..."


Think about it. You can do your business in international waters, and get the dolphins hooked on ecstasy for, like, one dead dolphin (the fish) a hit. You'll be a sushi mogul in no time! Thanks, pal!

Why Dolphins Are Kind of Dicks

Sharing your home with your new mammalian-yet-aquatic pal is going to put you in a few uncomfortable places. For instance, as mentioned above, dolphins really like to fuck. You'll eventually and undoubtedly find yourself cruisin' for cows (it's okay, they like being called that) and performing stupid tricks at his squeeky command to impress the trampy little heffers (jury's still out on that one) you'll be up all night listening to him bone. And you probably shouldn't complain, lest you make this new dolphin asshole of yours not content with your being alive. Knowing them, it's only a matter of time before your corpse becomes home to some sick, recreational fetish sex gimmicks. I'm positive the editors would rather I not flush out the implications fully...

So anyway, they will probably stick you inside of them. Then they might stick themselves in you. And then, just maybe (dolphins are known for the distinct wildness of their orgies) the whole lot of you will end in a slimy coagulation of sweaty dolphin skin and nondescriptly disgusting ooze. The only thing unsure about the outcome of this scenario is whether or not a dolphin would sweat underwater. Also, dolphins totally kill babies. Yeah, we don't know why, either.

Hey, at least you didn't partner up with a lame-ass porpoise!

Why Dolphins Are Totally Rad!

  • Dolphins use a sophisticated series of clicks, squeels and screeches to communicate, much like any self-respecting gore-starved floozy.
  • They use tools and pass on the knowledge to their young, which is probably a reason we'll really want to get those guys hooked on X while we still can.
  • They actively seek and destroy their fat, stupid cousins, the porpoises, for reasons science has as of yet only been able to describe, baffled, as "gangsta as shit."
  • In case this hasn't been said enough, dolphins really, really like to have sex. Their obsession so mirrors our own, it's creepy. They do it for procreation, not for procreation, front ways, back ways, long ways, short ways, this way, that way, and sometimes even the other way! Their sexual deviancy ranges anywhere from simple flipper fetishes to all-out abuse, homosexuality to bestiality. Know this, ladies and gentlemen: When the ocean gets the internet, the dolphins will be the disgusting, smelly, and intensely chaffed addicts wanking it all day in the middle of broad daylight for everyone to see. What, you say you don't have any of that in your public places? Oh, that's right, these are dolphins. They're dicks.
  • Knowing a lot about dolphins will probably get you laid, as every little girl dreams of being whisked away by dolphins to a symphonic wonderland of color and show-tunes. This turns out to be good news for dolphins, as every grown dolphin dreams of whisking away little girls to a life of sex slavery and/or competitive sports object stand-in-ship.
  • The Cracked office consists entirely of especially sly dolphins with trick cameras. Surprise!