The Onion is America's Finest News Source, or so they think. Little do they know, Cracked.com is mere moments away from initiating Phase 3 and wiping their parody-ing asses off of the internet for good!
Cracked does not view The Onion as a threat. It does not wish The Onion any harm. For now, at least.
Just as long as they stick to captioning joke photos of athletes and let the REAL internet journalists handle the hard stuff - like stories about which fish can get you high if you lick them.
Cracked.com would also rather not be compared to The Onion. The Onion writes fictional articles about things that are real. Cracked.com writes real stories about the horrific pasts of fictional things.
Only one of these characters didn't murder a prostitute thirty years ago, according to Cracked.
Cracked.com is especially not bitter about the fact that The Onion sells its' print edition steadily, and the Cracked magazine was cancelled in 2007.
Not bitter at all. No, not bitter at ALL.
Cracked.com wishes The Onion all the good in the world and looks forward to their next meeting.
In Hell, you smarmy bastards.
The Onion was founded in 1988 by people who only had enough money to buy white bread and onions.
It was sold around for a few thousand dollars, and then became really famous.
Now it features high tech photoshopping, competent satire writing, and a mock 24-hour news program with its' very own fake news ticker at the bottom.
It's the onion making us cry, not The Onion.
The Onion still manages to hang on to real-life relevance when stupid people republish their stories as true without bothering to do a fact check.
All right, we'll admit it, that time the Beijing Evening News fell for it was pretty funny, but you're still not on our good side.
Fine, Cracked.com doesn't care about your stupid chicness and cheeky one-upping of reality, The Onion. Our editors are a lot cooler than yours. Hah, I bet your editors are washed up forty-something-year-old virgins who are really fat and gross and if anyone could see them they'd vomit and never ever ever read your stupid funny stories ever again! So there!
Carol Kolb, editor of the Onion News Network
Fuck you, The Onion.