Ted Danson

Ted Danson is an actor, a monster, an activist... a bitch, a lover, a child, a mother... he pretty well symbolizes the douche bag trend of actors attempt to branch into the "real world" and "serious issues".

What? Whoopi helped me paint it. Whaddya mean she's not black? She's human! She only looks like Predator.

Just The Facts

  1. Ted Danson played Sam Malone, the apparently good looking bartender, in Cheers
  2. He then played Becker, a spin-off of Frasier, and has been playing Becker in every role since
  3. He seems to have Hugh-Grantism (the ability to get hot chicks by appearing on screen and having buttloads of cash to wave at them, but prefering stick his dick into "women" like Divine Brown or Whoopi Goldburg)

The Art of Douchebaggery

Danson is an oldschool actor, by that I mean, of course, he is a relic from the days when crossovers between film and television stars were rare and usually unsuccessful. He bravely bucks the new tradition of being a multimedia star of movies, series and the internet. Once asked, he proudly quipped; "What the hell is the internet?!?!" Ah Danson, you clever, clever mavrik of a... what's that? Oh he was really asking? Well, he was Sam Malone damnit...he's old. His whitened hair excuses his slowed pace, unfunny acting and his charming depictions of African Americans (see: he puts on black face and uses the n word to the extent that it causes Al Sharpton to shake his head so vigorously it to falls off, decapitating him and creating a geezer of shit which catapults out of his neck stump, drowning all nearby kitty cats trying to get a quick snack ala Hostel 2).

Ted Danson is a rare breed. He's a vegan, environmentalist, political activist actor... no wait, did I say rare breed? Let me start again... Ted Danson, like every other douchebag who became an actor, completes the typical douchebag persona by achieving the douchebag trifecta of douchebaggery. Like so many actors before and after him, Danson has falsely assumed that the ability to remember lines and pretend to be a grumpy twat for a few hours has given him magical powers of perception and understanding. He is a victim of Hollywooditis, a lethal overinflation of the ego of superficial people, resulting in the delusion that they understand the workings of the world, their political opinions are relevant, anyone wants to take their dietary advice and that they are a messiah (other sufferers include Charlie Sheen and Sean Penn). Unfortunately, Hollywooditis is contagious, and victims of Imadumbasswhoswallowswaterfamouspeoplesay-itis are prone to actually believing that people like Danson have these magical perception powers. This is a vicious cycle, as it will continue to boost his ego and support the framework for his delusion.


His environmentalism began at the ripe age of twelve, when he and his friends would engage in "billboarding" (knocking down billboards and illegal birdhouses with an axe). Somehow, this is somehow meant to save the environement, somehow, I guess. One would imagine the birds wouldn't be too happy to find their homes destroyed (birds not being known for their ability to judge whether or not their houses meet human regulations... and before you start mocking them, pointing your finger and laughing, yelling 'hey bird, you're stupid, you're a ... you're a bird brain... bird-brained bird!' clapping in glee at your poorly thought out pun and the knowledge that birds are too stupid to realize how stupid you are...how many humans can keep track of that burrocratic your-new-playhouse/greenhouse/pool/methlab-is-too-close-to-the-street--half-an-inch-too-high-and-on-fire nonsense?).

Even if the birds were aware that they were squatting in non-approved buildings, isn't smashing their homes to smithereens a little extreme? One would certainly hope no birds were occupying their illegal redidences when Danson and his axe-wielding crew of baddass vegans came along to enforce their 'smash first, ask questions later' brand of justice. It is also not clear what the billboards did to offend Danson... he wasn't famous yet, so its not as if he saw a billboard of himself, realized it made him look like Frankenstein (spoiler: it wasn't the billboard) and went on a Hulk-like smashing spree. Whatever set him off, I'm sure those billboards had it coming... smug billboard pieces of shit...but you have to ask yourself, how does creating a ton of debris, cardboard and feathers all over the roads cleaning up the environment? That's like nuking Jersey to save it's 10 non-trashy inhabitants from the hoardes of guidos.

His veganism began... who knows... he's a fake vegan anyway. He eats fish. Smug little fish floating around pretending to be animals, fuck those fish! And the birds! Fuck those fish and fuck those birds! Danson smash. Strangely, he has also taken up Whale Wars as a cause... trying to clean up the oceans... presumably so he can create more fish to fill his neverending appetite for destruction.

His political activism is pretty standard for Hollywood (elites?) He's a liberal and has very bad taste in candidates (Bill 'it wasn't me' Clinton, Al 'I'm gonna tell you bout the environment by flying my ozone killing plane to your current location' Gore and John 'I'm such a joke you re-elected Bush' Kerry). So he's probably a socialist plotting to take over the world and turn it into China... Or he's just a douche who thinks his opinion matters.