Bad Guys

Bad guys are the people that try to defeat rugged heroes with their dastardly plans involving money, cocaine or white supremacy.

Just The Facts

  1. For there to be any good, every movie needs a bad guy. Otherwise it ends up like The Happening or something.
  2. Bad guys are always defeated, but somehow the bad guys in other movies never catch on to this.
  3. They're kind like those people in zombie movies who never say "Hey, isn't this a bit like a zombie movie?"

All About Bad Guys

Bad guys are integral to the success of any Hollywood blockbuster movie. By targeting the movie's hero in some way, the bad guy gives the hero a chance to prove himself as a bad-ass dude. Action films that deal with other sorts of obstacles that the hero might need to overcome, such as male-pattern baldness or that weird bumping noise that happens in the car whenever you change gear, are generally not as well received by audiences.

You know who else was blond? Hitler.

The most common types of bad guys are as follows:

1. The Former Sidekick

One of the most common types of bad guy; the former sidekick is a formidable evil because he knows all of the hero's secrets and weak spots. The reasons for a former sidekick turning evil are varied, but usually involve jealousy or being turned into a vampire.

2. The Mutant

Sometimes combined with 1, this is somebody who was a perfectly nice person until a (usually extremely minor) disfigurement transformed them into an unstoppable killing machine. Rather than saving up a few thousand bucks for a plastic surgery bill, they dedicate themselves to bringing down whatever was behind their misfortune.

"What do you mean 'Hey, at least you're still Sean Bean'?"

3. The Nazi

65% of all movie villains are Nazis. This is true even when the movie is not in any way related to World War II. Nobody knows why Nazis are the most popular villains of all time, but it probably has something to do with people thinking their uniforms are cool.

4. The Henchman

These are men who for no discernible reason have decided to fight to the death for the main bad guy. Since the good guy usually has to mow down at least 100 of these before he makes it to the end of the movie, they are usually provided with face-covering masks so that the audience doesn't confuse them with real, non-interchangeable people. Mostly they will not get any lines, the rare exception being when they talk to each other while doing something dastardly. This prevents the audience from getting morally uncomfortable.

It should be noted that the Law of Ninjas applies to bad guys. This means that while one bad guy is almost unstoppable, 30 bad guys can be easily defeated by just punching them out as they run at you one by one.

5. The Dude Who's Just Plain Evil

Let's face it, being evil is fun. Especially in the movies, where it means you get to smoke, bed multiple women, enjoy fine wine, and wear expensive suits. If you are this kind of bad guy, you will speak and act like you were born into old money and gained a PhD in classical literature. Why you turned to a life of crime and/or terrorism rather than simply spending your life playing horse polo and polishing diamonds is never really explained.

Generally, in any movie where there are two main bad guys, they will be divided into this type of intelligent bad guy, and the crazy brute sidekick (who is not to be confused with a henchman). You can tell them apart thus:

  • The intelligent one either has a British accent, or is verging on one
  • The intelligent one is disgusted by physical violence and especially by rape. Even touching a weapon disgusts him, but he'll do it if he has to. (Ordering people to their deaths does not count as murder.)
  • The intelligent one will usually die last.

Female Bad Guys

Not all bad guys are male. Characteristics of the female bad guy include:

  • Being a brunette
  • Being a stepmother
  • Acting in a seductive or sexually assertive manner
  • Wearing inappropriately tight clothing or heels in a situation where it doesn't really make sense for you to do so
  • Being attractive, and yet slightly less attractive than the hero's girlfriend.

If you are a female bad guy, don't worry! You will probably be treated to an off-screen, or at least very quick, death so that the hero can preserve his chivalric image. Other ways of doing this are:

  • Having another female character fight and/or kill you
  • Having your male bad guy sidekick betray and kill you himself

We had to watch four minutes of Batman and Robin to get this screencap