Bad Guys
Bad guys are the people that try to defeat rugged heroes with their dastardly plans involving money, cocaine or white supremacy.
Just The Facts
- For there to be any good, every movie needs a bad guy. Otherwise it ends up like The Happening or something.
- Bad guys are always defeated, but somehow the bad guys in other movies never catch on to this.
- They're kind like those people in zombie movies who never say "Hey, isn't this a bit like a zombie movie?"
All About Bad Guys
Bad guys are integral to the success of any Hollywood blockbuster movie. By targeting the movie's hero in some way, the bad guy gives the hero a chance to prove himself as a bad-ass dude. Action films that deal with other sorts of obstacles that the hero might need to overcome, such as male-pattern baldness or that weird bumping noise that happens in the car whenever you change gear, are generally not as well received by audiences.
The most common types of bad guys are as follows:
1. The Former Sidekick
One of the most common types of bad guy; the former sidekick is a formidable evil because he knows all of the hero's secrets and weak spots. The reasons for a former sidekick turning evil are varied, but usually involve jealousy or being turned into a vampire.
2. The Mutant
Sometimes combined with 1, this is somebody who was a perfectly nice person until a (usually extremely minor) disfigurement transformed them into an unstoppable killing machine. Rather than saving up a few thousand bucks for a plastic surgery bill, they dedicate themselves to bringing down whatever was behind their misfortune.
3. The Nazi
65% of all movie villains are Nazis. This is true even when the movie is not in any way related to World War II. Nobody knows why Nazis are the most popular villains of all time, but it probably has something to do with people thinking their uniforms are cool.
4. The Henchman
These are men who for no discernible reason have decided to fight to the death for the main bad guy. Since the good guy usually has to mow down at least 100 of these before he makes it to the end of the movie, they are usually provided with face-covering masks so that the audience doesn't confuse them with real, non-interchangeable people. Mostly they will not get any lines, the rare exception being when they talk to each other while doing something dastardly. This prevents the audience from getting morally uncomfortable.
It should be noted that the Law of Ninjas applies to bad guys. This means that while one bad guy is almost unstoppable, 30 bad guys can be easily defeated by just punching them out as they run at you one by one.
5. The Dude Who's Just Plain Evil
Let's face it, being evil is fun. Especially in the movies, where it means you get to smoke, bed multiple women, enjoy fine wine, and wear expensive suits. If you are this kind of bad guy, you will speak and act like you were born into old money and gained a PhD in classical literature. Why you turned to a life of crime and/or terrorism rather than simply spending your life playing horse polo and polishing diamonds is never really explained.
Generally, in any movie where there are two main bad guys, they will be divided into this type of intelligent bad guy, and the crazy brute sidekick (who is not to be confused with a henchman). You can tell them apart thus:
- The intelligent one either has a British accent, or is verging on one
- The intelligent one is disgusted by physical violence and especially by rape. Even touching a weapon disgusts him, but he'll do it if he has to. (Ordering people to their deaths does not count as murder.)
- The intelligent one will usually die last.
Female Bad Guys
Not all bad guys are male. Characteristics of the female bad guy include:
- Being a brunette
- Being a stepmother
- Acting in a seductive or sexually assertive manner
- Wearing inappropriately tight clothing or heels in a situation where it doesn't really make sense for you to do so
- Being attractive, and yet slightly less attractive than the hero's girlfriend.
If you are a female bad guy, don't worry! You will probably be treated to an off-screen, or at least very quick, death so that the hero can preserve his chivalric image. Other ways of doing this are:
- Having another female character fight and/or kill you
- Having your male bad guy sidekick betray and kill you himself
I would like to point out that the bad guy having a British accent is actually a reference to the revolutionary war. So is the fact that a really cool French guy alwaays shows up (General Lafayette)and the fact that so many bad guys had "Empires".
Replyway to CTRL-C -> CTRL-V from tvtropes.
Replythough, the actual chart was ok. shoulda just left it at that.
No USSR?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAmericans cant tell the difference between USSR and Nazis anyway, so no need to mention them.
Wait, there's a difference?
that Ivan Drago pic was enough to represent the USSR and then some. words are not needed
I always wondered why henchman still fight even after the main bad guy they are protecting(?) or serving(?) has died. There is nothing to gain for them. They should just run.
Replyonce your villan has died, you are essentially auditioning for your next gig. no supervillan will hire a hench who runs away while the arch is still in play.
hench 4 life.
agreed, you don't see an players on an 0-15 football team give up, they're playing for a job next season.
Nazi's are everyones favorite enemy because grandpa raised us that way plus besides the whole muslim thing white people love to kill white people
ReplyI like how the flowchart acknowledges hitting women, but it really doesn't make any difference what you pick. She totally had it coming.
ReplyIt seems to imply that Bruce Willis hit women. it really should have gone after->evil.
nazis are good bad guys because no one feels bad for them no matter what kind of horrible s**t happens to them.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesalso, everyone in charge of making sure a movie goes into production is jewish. they like it when nazis get their asses handed to them.
They'd feel bad for Schindler.
Schindler was a Nazi in name only
Albert Goering and Schindler couldn't have saved so many people without the nazi party.
This chart was sooooo right. Ticked every box!
ReplyIf you are the evil chick and the good guy gets his sidechick (copyright me) to defeat you, it is ESSENTIAL that no matter how cool, sassy, erudite or even mute the sidechick is, she will still decide to call you "Bitch!" just before your demise.
ReplyNOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!(Sorry, couldn't resist making a Harry Potter reference. Dude, that line is pretty much already a meme.)
The chick in Terminator 3 had her ass kicked by Arnold. Of course she was a robot, so Arnold's chivalric image is intact. On the other hand, he was also a robot, so his chivalric image is irrelevant, because robots are like pimps, they like to hit their females.
Reply Hide All See All 9 RepliesI think your logic is impeccable here.
Female....robot....?
Works for me.
You mean Arnie would willing hit Summer Glau? No! Say it isn't so!
So if your a ho and you have a Pimp who is a robot you are essentially fucked.
I DEMAND my female robot dominatrice NOW! Nyahahahaha! (twirls moustache)
@scoto Essentially and Literally! :) Don't forget to get tested for malware
i dont think they have genders
I don't think Arnie COULD hit Summer Glau.
Just watched "The Expendables" last night and so many of these apply. Decent article, slightly amusing.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesJust fucked "your mum" last night and so much semen. Decent lay, slightly amusing.
Just got your joke last night, so many things are wrong with it. Decent prose, slightly irritating.
just realized joke is old, and so much repetition. decent build up, slightly understandable.
F U all
Just realized I'm gay. Decent sexuality, slightly amusing.
Ok...most female villains are waaaaaaay prettier than the good guy's girlfriend. Actually, most of the "girlfriends" are generic "girl next door" average girls with no sex appeal. However, the evil gals are sexier!!!
Reply Hide All See All 9 Repliestruuuu dat!
Examples or STFU
I thought average girls had the most sex appeal, unless you're a creep who's into dominatrixes.
"Examples please" was too hard for you?
Man, someone took the concept of evil girls being sexy waaaaay to seriously. "Examples or STFU"? Couldn't you just laugh like those people who were born with a sense of humour?
Also, I can tell you why a lot of men find evil girls more attractive then the 'girl next door', and that is the fact that the 'girl next door' is liable to be boring, conservative and dressed very ordinarily (unless, of course, the film wants to show off her curves, so she'll wear something tight and figure-hugging, but we all know it will be back to frumpy-wear once the films over).
The evil girl will be adventurous, sexually-assertive, and wear those skimpy clothes that barely conceal any part of her anatomy. This isn't being into 'dominatrixes', this is being into women who enjoy sex (rather than the 'girl next door' type, who tolerate it as a function of their domesticity more than enjoy it).
This may sound shallow, but it is exactly what we have been doing for millions of years. Don't delude yourself into thinking women think any differently. They're just as obsessed with the physical form as men are (hence why shirts fly off at a moment's notice in films designed to titillate women, like Twilight). We're a shallow species, face it. We've been f*****g far longer than we have been building.
People who refer to 'average girls' having the most sex appeal aren't really helping themselves with terms like 'average'. It shows they don't really believe it themselves. Of course, what you might find attractive may be different, but the girl you find the most attractive will hardly be 'average' (unless you really suffer from a low self-opinion). You think I'm wrong? Nudge your girlfriend now and tell her she's average. See how she reacts.
Also, as a sub-point, the 'girl next door' almost always has blond hair, whereas the evil girl almost always has dark hair (perhaps an archaic remnant of the old concept that good guys always wear white). Of course, there is one notable exception, and that is when the evil girl is also a Nazi.
Dark-haired Nazi chicks get a raw deal...
Ratchman speaks the truth.
Jeeze, Ratchman or whatever, whoa. Did someone leave you for the girl next door?
Best of the bunch: Women who double as the hero's love interest AND the evil sidekick? Usually even sexier than either stand-alone hero's love interest or evil sidekick, IMO. Examples: p***y Galore, Dr. Elsa (from Last Crusade), etc. Any other thoughts?
Nazis are great bad guys cause us "non white" people like to see white people as we imagine them to be when they get togather privately.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesBecause comparing all white people to Nazis isn't offensive at all.
who cares if you offend nazis?
I love your idea that Hollywood makes Nazi bad guys for the sake of their non-white audience. Because God knows that's who Hollywood caters toward.
I'm a nazi. I think we should have a movie where a lone man kills a bunch of jews or blacks.
silvadream. Yep, and make Spielberg direct it. Without any script changes.
those nazis were always snappy dressers...
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesHugo Boss? Omg...
Nazi high officers always wear suits. ALWAYS.
I remember I read this book hundreds of years in the future. There is one part where somebody dresses up as a Nazi and everybody tells them how great of a costume that is.
Yeah... someone forgot that movie where Daniel Craig played a psychotic nazi... (Power of One)
Replyand then comes along Defiance... oh, the irony!
If there were some way I could forget The Power of One, I'd pay a significant amount of money for it.
One of the greatest novels ever written turned into a Karate Kid rip-off (by the director of the Karate Kid).
So, Javier Bardem, the bad guy from 'No Country for Old Men' (which you even have pictured in the article), was defeated by the protagonist? Did I miss something? I'm pretty sure he lived, killed the protagonist's wife, then left.
Replywhen did anyone mention being defeated? it says "try to defeat". and yes I’m fairly certain he was the "bad guy" lol
Spoiler alert! LOL
The chart sucks. The writing sucks. Better luck next time.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYour comment sucks. The writing sucks. Better luck next time.
Your boobs sucks. The boobs sucks. better luck next boobs.
Yay boobs!
Glad you mentioned the cliche of the bad guy always having an accent, usually British.
ReplyBad guys. I want to insert ninjas into every finding-yourself, inner-demon-defeatinging story I've ever heard.
ReplyFight Club did it perfectly.
Ahh, but that would conflict with the second law of ninjas.
Well, the truth about Ninjas is th...AGH!
Nazis are the best villains ever. The Nazis are the only villains who wanted to take over the world. Even George Lucas said he based the Emperor on Hitler. On another note, why is it, that in the movies, BRITISH actors are always the villains? in the Indy films, most of the Indy villains are British, Belloq, Toht, Donavan, Colonel Vogel, The bald Guy, The Slavemaster and Hitler all are, in Star Wars, Darth Vader, The Emperor, are, Hannibal Lecktor, Hannibal Leckter, Hans Gruber, The Sheriff of Nottingham, are, even Shere Khan in The Jungle Book was British. It`s ridiculous. Why can`t the French be the baddies instead?
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesBelloq was french, I'm pretty sure. As for the bad guys in Temple of Doom (this also applies to shere khan) they're Indian but have British accents because the country was British Occupied at the time, or just recently had been.
As for Star Wars, I'm pretty sure they're New Zealandish. At least Boba Fett is.
How dare the Sheriff of Nottingham have a British accent!
Yeah, Belloq was French, not British. And also Jewish, which surprises one when he associates with Nazis.
New Zealandish? seriously man? I'm insulted. It's "New Zealander" or the more casual "Kiwi". New Zealandish sounds like some exotic fish-based meal.
most of the Star Wars films were filmed in England, so when you go out hiring extras and non main character roles, you go with locals, which were British.
I notice that too. These movies are made for Americans, who casting directors believe don't like to see a villan from their own country. It's a cliche. The villain in any action movie who's not a big name like John Travolta (villain in Swordfish, Broken Arrow, Face/Off and The Punisher) has to have a foreign accent.