The Daily Mail

The Daily Mail is a British tabloid newspaper, so the majority of Cracked readers will not have heard of it and not understand this topic. On the other hand, you have not had to experience the Daily Mail.

Just The Facts

  1. The Daily Mail is one of Britain's most popular newspapers and has been in circulation for over one hundred years.
  2. Nobody is proud of this.
  3. They are on a mission to divide everything into two categories: things that causes cancer and things that prevent cancer.
  4. They supported Hitler and the Nazis in the 1930s (no, really!)

I'm not a racist, but...

The Daily Mail is a right wing tabloid newspaper in the United Kingdom and is read by the majority of decent, hard-working, tax-paying, white, law-abiding middle class. In many ways it is similar to Fox News. Except its a newspaper. Newspapers are what people used to use to get news before the internet, although unlike the internet you have to pay for a new one everyday.

The Daily Mail is known for its thinly veiled racism. However, unlike in American media where news can suggest Muslims are trying to bring Shariah Law to America, The Daily Mail takes a different approach, revealing how the real 'Muslim Agenda' is against letting dogs on buses.

Death to the West! And Dogs. I really fucking hate dogs.

Speaking of Osama Bin Laden, the Daily Mail have reported that he's been dead for over seven years. Well I guess that's one less thing to worry about. And it explains why the Ministry of Defence hired psychics to search for him.

If only Diana were here...

The Daily Mail are also well known for their love of Princess Diana. Despite dying over thirteen years ago, they regularly published news stories about her including three so far in the month of publishing this topic. Three different articles. How many do you need?

Breaking News: Diana still dead!

They also compete with the Daily Express, another British tabloid, with their various conspiracy theories into how Diana was killed. These are similar to JFK assassination conspiracy theories but are a lot less exciting as instead of involving somebody getting shot, they involve a women crashing in a speeding car without wearing a seat belt.

However this hasn't stopped the Daily Mail (and the Daily Express) on insisting that it was a mere accident. Apparently she was either killed when a plan to frighten her went wrong, killed by MI6 or killed by landmine dealers. All while being bugged by the US secret service. Take your pick!

Revealed: Cancer linked to death

Cancer is a serious disease caused by carcinogenic chemicals, ionising radiation and bacon. Wait, what? The Daily Mail think outside the box from the usual cell-phones cause cancer bullshit, which are at least widely accepted by some retards people, and come up with innovative new causes of cancer. By using their highly scientific research methods (opening up a dictionary at a random page and picking a word), the Daily Mail have reported on dozens of surprising causes of cancer , such as being black and air travel.

He's got more to worry about than those motherfucking snakes on that motherfucking plane

They even claim that things like Facebook could cause cancer, so if that's true I'm sure that most people reading this topics are screwed. On the other hand, the suggestion that dogs cause cancer may explain why Muslims don't let them on buses.

Dogs on a bus!

Pictured: Huge cancer risk or Snakes on a Plane spin off

The Daily Mail are not scaremongers though. They also provide useful advice into everyday objects which can help to prevent cancer. For example, cloves of garlic keep cancer away as well as vampires! Another useful suggestions to prevent cancer is going to sleep. Although to be fair, some of their suggestions to prevent cancer are pretty awesome, like shark blood. The problem is just how to get the shark blood.

2015: Chuck Norris wins Nobel Prize for Medicine

If you do have trouble remembering this new information which could mean life or death, then I suggest watching this song by Russel Howard in order to remember the various things which pose a risk of causing cancer.