The U.S. Marine Corps

The U.S Marine Corps are America's naval infantry. They kick major ass.

Marines doing what they do best.

Wrestlers doing what they do worst.

Just The Facts

  1. Marines are the most well trained troops in the United States Armed Forces, outside of special forces.
  2. Marines are often the first to respond to major events in the world, and are often on the frontline in a war.
  3. They kick so much ass

History of the Corps, Pre-Civil War

Created on 10 November 1775 by Captain Samuel Nicholas, the Marines enjoyed 8 years of fucking the British senseless. Their first battle was the Battle of Nassau, in which they raided the Britsh port at Nassau, Bahamas. After the Revolutionary War, they were disbanded. Surprisingly, America survived this, and they were resurrected by Congress in 1798, in preperation with a war with France.

Their next major action was in the War of 1812, where they held General Andrew Jackson's defensive line during the defense of New Orleans. They also held back back the Britsh advance on Washington D.C.

Apperentally the burning of Washington looks like an ad for a coffee shop

Well, they tried at least.

After that, they went into an identity crisis of sorts, making them the Roast Beef of military branches.

Oh man you got to like I don't know get some and stuff OORAH

Now, because of this period, their were efforts to get the Marine Corps integrated into the Army. After the end of this furor, they officially became part of the Navy. Of course, Marines don't care to admit that, for some reason.

To be fair, we wouldn't want to give up our Dress Blues either.

They then did an assault on Chapultepec Palace in Mexico City, and later escorted Matthew Perry through Panama and Asia.

They played a very moderate role in the Civil War, due to the fact that they're mainly skilled in foreign affairs. FUN FACT: Half of the Marine Corps broke off and formed the Confederate States Marine Corps, where they fought for the right to own slaves, etc.

History of the Corps, Interim Period

Between the Civil War and WWI, the Marines got their official emblem and their hymn. Other then that, nothing else happened, besides the Spanish American War, but that doesn't count because Teddy Roosevelt easily overshadowed their awesomness.

History of the Corps, WWI-Present

The Marines played a key role in America's late entry to World War I, namely the Battle of Belleau Wood in France. This is where Marines were given the nickname "Devil Dogs" by the Germans. Although there is some controversy sorrounding the origins if the nickname, we're not going into that because it's boring, and Devil Dog is a really badass name.

After the War, Leutenant Colonol Earl "Pete" Hancock and others developed the amphibous assault techniques needed and used in WWII. Historians today have no idea why his nickname was just a normal name.

Then came the war that defined the Marines: World War Two. The Pacific Theatre of Operations was fought by island hopping between the Japanese and the Marines. Island hopping is not as fun, or even sexual, as it sounds.

The Marines invaded islands via amphibious assualt, and the Japanese never managed to fend off a single attack. After many years of fighting like this, the Marines and the Navy beat back and destroyed Japan's Navy, clearing an easy path towards some of their outlaying islands. The most famous example of these islands is Iwo Jima.

There was much deliberation between the high command about whether is was a good idea to invade Japan or not. They realized how retarded that idea was, and just nuked them instead. This represents the only time where a nuclear bomb is the most humane option available.

That's about as humane as it gets.

After that, everyone in America, and to a much larger extant, the rest of the world, became very sick of war, as is wont to happen after a major war. This was bad news for Korea in 1950, when communists from the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, which is the most misleading name ever, rushed through the border. They quickly over ran the South Korean military, probably because they were the most ill-equipped and ill-trained soldiers since your neighbor Jeffrey, the militiaman who bough 500 pounds of fertelizer and a hunting rifle, and the US Eight Army, a competant but outnumbered group of Army soldiers that are stationed in Korea.

Your neighbor, Jeffrey.

Well, who did the UN call to save little ol' Korea? The Marines, of course. After the American and South Korean forces already present regrouped, General MacArthur, who is batshit insane, ordered an amphibous landing at Inchon. And we kicked their asses.

"Is that pipe big enough for you, sir?"-Anonymous soldier, before "volunteering" for a suicide mission.

OK, we'll admit that the Marines weren't the biggest heros of the Korean War, as we mentioned a few sentences ago, but they still kicked some major red ass.

Yeah, kinda like that.

Oh yeah, Vietnam happened next. And we're... Aprehensive to talk about that. You know, nothing exciting happened a lot, and when it did it was just too depressing to talk about. So how about we talk about the movie Full Metal Jacket instead. Man, that scene where the helicopter gunner is shooting every one, man what the hell? He would have been seriously punished, or at least ordered to stop by his commanding officer. Jesus, that scene still pisses us off today.

What's that, you think it would be a dishoner and disservice to ignore Vietnam? Fuck, fine. Marines participated in some of the most important battles in the war, including Hue (Hway) City, Da Nang, Khe Sanh, which is now the name of an awesome aircraft carrier used frequently by the Marines. In Vietnam, the Marines suffered their worst losses ever, at 13,000 killed, 50,000 wounded, more deployments than WWII, and the lowest point in its numbers, resulting from all of the Non-Judicial Punishmen- OK, you're about to scroll down due to lack of funny, so here's the wikipedia article on Marines' involvement in the war.


After Vietnam, the Marines engaged in Operation Eagle Claw, Mr. Carter's attempt to free US hostages in Iran, which was hated by everyone; And in Operation Urgent Fury, the invasion of Grenada, which was hated by everyone; and Operation Just Cause, the invasion of Panama, which was hated by almost everyone.

Then they sat around Saudi Arabia for a while, waiting to invade Iraq the first time around. Then they invaded for about 4 days, and turned back. Instead of just taking the damn capitol and freeing all of Iraq's citizens, apperentally because Bush Sr. doesn't understand how war, or politics, or winning a re-election works.

Man, then-Secretary of Defense Dick Cheney looked a lot better when he was younger.

And then the son learned mistakes of his father, just like Jesus. That's the plot of the Bible, right? Anyways, we invaded Iraq a second time, this time finishing the job, although this time was kind of a dick move.

You know who spearheaded the invasion? The Marine Corps' most elite unit, the First Recon Battalion. We were using an idiotic, unproven tactic called Manuever Warfare, which is sort of a non-Nazi Blitzkreig. And, just like the Nazi's Blitzkreig, it failed. The plan called for the Marines to be at the tip of a spear that pierces Iraq as fast as possible, with keeping the body count and violence as low as possible. And at the tip of the Marine's sword, was the First Recon Battalion.

The book was just as good as the show.

See, recon Marines don't, uh, really... Do that kind of thing. And by that, we mean they go in 4 man teams behind enemy lines. Not engage the enemy head on as a full battalion, which is 350 men in total. And now Iraq's a shithole, and we've completely left.

Oh, they also invaded Afghanistan, although that's more like a modern Korea, as in no one remembers it exists or wants to talk about it.

Coming Soon!

  • Uniforms!
  • Marine Martial Arts! Holy shit!
  • And more, probably! Maybe!