Wrong Number

Stupid people will believe almost anything they're told over the phone. It's how psychic hot-lines continue to exist. However, tell these same people they've dialed the wrong number and they're suddenly skeptics ...

An Appeal to Reason

Sorry there's no one here by that name.

No, this still isn't Charles.

When I said that nobody here was named Charles, I meant to imply that you had called the wrong number. I realize that's difficult to get your mind around. You dialed those numbers and pressed send fully expecting you'd be having a conversation with Charles right now. When I answered, it was like jumping into a bracing pool of not Charles.

If I were Charles, would I lie and tell you that I wasn't Charles? That doesn't sound like Charles. I can confidently say that because that's not a lie that anyone has ever told to anyone under any circumstances. Is Charles some sort of crazy person? Because if he's not, Charles would screen your call, or say he's in the middle of something. He would not answer the phone and tell you that you have the wrong number.

No, I am not Charles playing a joke on you. To be totally honest, that's not a joke anyone has ever played on anyone in the history of phones. See, us rational folk assume other people are rational as well. Charles would never jokingly tell you that you have the wrong number because he'd assume you'd do the rational thing, apologize and hang up. Then he'd have to call you back and tell you that you didn't have the wrong number, and that he was joking. You'd probably say something like, "Well, why'd you say I had the wrong number?" and then there would be an awkward pause because Charles wouldn't have a response because that's not how jokes work.

It's becoming clear to me that there is nothing more I can say to you. I could try to convince you that Charles is a figment of your imagination. That you've lost your mind and have called me every day for the past six months at this exact time asking for Charles. But you'd probably tell me that's just the sort of thing Charles would say.

So I will just hang up, and promise that if you call back, the guy who answers the phone still won't be Charles. He will however be furiously, audibly masturbating.