Music Television

Music Television used to be long for MTV. Now there is no such thing as Music Television.

Thank you magiceggcake for your stunningly accurate presentation of American history.

Just The Facts

  1. MTV debuted in 1981. The theme featured a rock riff coupled with the moon landing. It has not yet been matched in awesome.
  2. Back when it was still showing music videos, MTV promoted many alternative rock acts like Nirvana and Green Day, effectively bring anti-mainstream music into the mainstream. Well done, MTV. Well done indeed.
  3. MTV sucks now. If you dispute this fact, you are a communist.
  4. Or you work for MTV
  5. But you don't, because MTV is owned by Viacom now and it has a computer generate reality shows 24 hours a day.

Cracked on MTV

Okay, so back in the day, this guy named Robert Pittman came up with the idea that watching music videos would be pretty cool (our records do not show that he suggested the network incorporate marijuana use as well, but we're going to go ahead and say he did).

Pictured: A product of the munchies.

His boss, John Lack, who was also getting high at the time (God bless him), thought it was a cool idea too. So Johnny and Rob got some other stoners to write a rock intro, superimposed the letters "MTV" onto the moon landing, had John say, "ladies and gentlemen, take a hit from this rad-ass bong," thought about it, revised it, and that premiered to a few thousand people in Jersey on August 1st.

Somehow, they managed not to get cancelled then and there.

The Buggles music video for "Video Killed the Radio Star" was the first one ever shown. It was also the last song by The Buggles to ever be relevant to pop culture.

Whenever you say "The Buggles," people will say, "The Who," for some reason. Further research is needed to determine a link between these two bands.

So they aired music videos for a few years, and everyone thought it was cool. The content was actually pretty good, surprisingly enough, although there was less time budgeted for music videos than there was for the studio employee to switch tapes in the VCR. That was okay, though, because then everyone watching at home could take a hit from John Lack's rad-ass bong.

And then the 90's happened, the executives started taking downers, and people got interested in this grunge thing coming out of Seattle. 80's-sex-hair-rock was phased out in favor of distortion and poor studio equipment.

Not a moment too soon, I might add.

Or was it? Jeez, look at that 'stache. Oh well, it can't all be that ba-


By this time, band managers had realized that there was fame to be made getting your band seen on TV (who knew?), and the show was hijacked. Alternative music was the new mainstream, and everyone was confused as to what was cool and what was lame. Cobain offed himself in an act of mercy, before he'd be forced to sell out and play a gig for Doritos or something, like some other bands I can think of. SELLOUTS!!!!

Way to sell out and start wearing shirts, you douchebags! YOU USED TO BE SO COOL BLINK-182!

By the time the 2000's rolled around, MTV had been hijacked again. They stopped doing music videos. The odds of seeing 2 skanks beating the shit out of one another or making out in a hot tub went up 600% They have talk shows, and scripted comedies. Any music they do show at 3 in the morning is censored to take out any reference to anything awesome.

"Okay, but only from the waist up."

The only actual rock music is in the credits of Jersey Shore or in the intro wide pan shots.

Maybe if we think hard enough about his head exploding, it will actually happen. Can't hurt to try, is all I'm sayin'

MTV Through the Ages

Check the above section for details. Here is a more simplified version of this Jones.


BLUE: Waiting for music videos to start, static, time to pass bong around.

BLACK: Music videos.


BLUE: Trashy people fighting one another.

BLACK: Credits/Previews of shows involving trashy people fighting one another.

What Lies Ahead For MTV

If it continues to be owned by cruel bastard opportunists and you sheeple continue to watch horrible television:

Robot skanks.

If stoners unite and get their asses up long enough to hijack (or highjack) it back:

Being played by a zombie Cobain.

You know in your heart what the right one is.

Being Awesome

MTV has ceased to be awesome. It is now about as awesome as getting hit in the nuts with a spray-tanned baseball bat.

Or getting hit everywhere else with the same bat.

You know what IS awesome?