Life Would Suck To Be A Cabbage

Have you ever wondered what it like to live the life of a cabbage? Ever thought of the inevitable doom that it will succumb to? These are some topics to cover on why it would suck to be a cabbage.

What the cabbage wishes it looked like

Is there a connection?

Just The Facts

  1. It would suck to be a cabbage
  2. It would suck to be a vegetable in general
  3. It would suck to be a vegetarian, because vegetables taste like shit

The Life and Death of a Cabbage

It is small and round. Green and sometimes a bit purple. It can be easily confused with lettuce. You know what I am referring too, that's right, a cabbage; a poor innocent little cabbage. Sure it is smelly, but what can it possibly do to anyone. It's just a cabbage right? You see it on your everyday grocery store shelf in the fresh produce section. But have you ever considered its feelings, or wondered what it went through to get where it was? Ever thought of the inevitable doom that it will succumb to? This is why I shall explain why it would suck to be a cabbage. (This tale can also apply to most vegetables, but for the sake of the story, I'm sticking with cabbages)

The life of a cabbage begins; a small little seed in the ground. Warm it is in its little nest of dirt. All is peaceful and quiet, and it has not a care in the world. Every few days, a rush of refreshing water gently caresses it, helping it grow. The tiny roots extend like an octopus tentacle reaching for food and water (and not anime girls). Again, all is peaceful as it grows and develops. Soon it begins a voyage to the surface, outgrowing its nest. Finally, it peeks its way out of the surface of a garden, ending its quest to the top. The sunlight beams down upon it, warming it as it basks in the rays. Quickly now it grows, pampered by the ever warming sun, the sprinklers cool refreshing sprays, and the overabundance of food, life seems too perfect for the cabbage. The leaves soon turn a luscious green, with a pure sense of crispness. If you could ever know the thoughts of this cabbage, it's probably thinking that it's the sexiest cabbage of them all. Ah yes, life is great. Or so it thinks. Suddenly this heaven immediately turns to an unending hell. Right as everything seems so perfect, everything that can go wrong will go wrong for this poor cabbage, just like M. Night Shyamalan's movie career. Out of nowhere, you are ripped out of the ground, your roots ripping and tearing. Pain and terror fills its mind, sucking out any all happiness that once flowed through its veins. Next it's thrown into a basket and carried off. Looking around it notices all of its other cabbage friends; they all grew up together as the cabbage patch kids, now they share an unknown fate. Tossed aside in a dark room they are, hoping and begging for mercy, but the poor cabbage cannot speak, so its cries are not heard.

Many of its friends are lost, being carried and sorted into separate crates. The crates are then loaded onto a truck. Terrified, it stares out of a hole in it's cage, only to see darkness, but it knows it is moving. For days at a time it is left in its black prison, inching its way towards insanity. Not even given a bathroom break when the truck stops at a rest area. If it could, it would probably slit its wrists, had cabbages actually had wrists. Finally there seems to be a glimpse of hope. A strange light fills the truck, like a light at the end of a tunnel. The cabbage wishes for death, little does it know, the terror is only just beginning.

So it's crate is opened, and uncertainty fills its mind once again as it's carried from its room on a cart. Bright lights are everywhere and it is taken from the cart and placed on a shelf. Looking around, you notice a few of your old friends on the shelf with you. There are strangers too. Beings you have never seen before, other vegetables that share the same demise. Trapped in it's own concentration camp, the number of cabbage casualties greatly outnumbers that of the Holocaust. It panics as one by one the comrades are swiped up and taken elsewhere. To make things worse, it is cold (just like my ex wife). And without warning it is sprayed with an icy blast of water, not the refreshing mist that once rained down upon it where it once called home. Finally it is taken, and placed on a scale, almost to determine if it is "worthy". Now the cabbage probably wishes it wasn't so sexy now. After the test ,the cabbage is placed in a plastic bag and tied off. All is blurry now, and the bag is suffocating. What a way to die it must be thinking. Taken through a checkout line, it is sold, almost like a slave having no say in the transaction. Stuffed into another bag again it is.

The cabbage can sense it is moving again after being placed in a vehicle by yet another captor. Upon arrival to the home it is placed into a freezing storage compartment where even the shelf in the store would have been a nicer place. There it rests for days, begging death to take him, maybe wishing it was a bear so it could hibernate though this cold asylum. Almost forgotten from existence, it's bright green and purple leaves begin to wilt and wither away. Then the master remembers that they bought you 2 weeks ago, and it's time for dinner. Out of the fridge it comes. Thrown onto a table, it sees knives, plates, vegetables, various assorted meats chopped up. A horrific scene of a slaughter house it seems, or even Dick Cheney's basement. And then it hears a brief mutter from one of its captors say "Cole Slaw".

What could that be it wonders, what terrible demise could those words possibly mean? And then, glancing over it sees a tower, more terrifying than anything ever seen before. The human turns it on with a button on the bottom and begins to shake. The obelisk vibrates and emits a horrific piercing shriek (the ex wife comes to mind again). A blade like a scimitar spins and twists in the opening of the tower. All of a sudden, the unthinkable happened. One of the carrots lying on the counters with its flesh peeled off, is picked up, and thrown into the top of the tower. The once majestic orange beast glances up as if to be praying. Shredding and grinding, disintegrating; the carrot never stood a chance. The revolving blade inside is dripping with the blood of the once young vegetable. All of the previous terror seemed like a trip to Disneyland than the horror that now fills its very soul. Then the razor gains speed. The cabbage is picked up, and slowly hovered over the top of the pillar of death. All is over, why did it have to end this way it must think. Time stands still. Without warning, it is dropped into the abyss. Mangling, wrenching, the leaves are strewn away from its carcass. Agonizing pain tears at its mind. Watching and silently screaming as its own body is torn into oblivion. You may think that the cabbage cannot feel pain, but it is a living organism. The moment seems to last forever but is over quickly. All that is left if the diced up pieces of the once mighty cabbage. Next it is scooped out and placed a bowl to be feasted upon by the humans. During the digestion, the stomach acids burn away any sign of the cabbage.

The story of this cabbages life is over, besides the journey afterwards through a series of pipes if you get my drift. Sure I can't read the mind of a cabbage, but who says it doesn't suffer? Just remember the next time you are at the grocery store what those vegetables and animals went through, for not only cabbages go through the same life. But who cares, we are humans and we like food, so tough luck. But now you know why life would suck to be a cabbage. I love animals too, especially with a side of mashed potatoes and gravy.