Plastic Army Men
Some plastic army men were the very essence of heroism and fury, injection-molded into an easy, pocket-size form. Others, not so much.
Just The Facts
- If you didn't have Plastic Army Men growing up, you turned out to be a sociopath.
- If you're saying "well, that's not true!" or "but we were poor!" right now, you should know denial and justification are both sociopathic traits.
- Authorities have been notified.
Cracked on Plastic Army Men
Back in the days where youngsters had legs and a shape, one of the best ways to entertain yourself was with little plastic army men: Even today, roughly half of all grown men cannot help but see trenches in the garden walls and cliffsides in tree roots. These little soldiers, sometimes based on actual national armies, watched their friends die face down in the mud for this patch of sidewalk. They taught us all about tiny duty, itty-bitty honor, wee sacrifice and bite-sized heroism.
Some people took the lessons literally.
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The Rules of the Game
For a toy that's been around so long, there surprisingly still seems to be no consensus on what the rules (if any) are for Plastic Army Men battles.
Though after a particularly vicious barrage of "yuh-uhs" and "nuh-huhs," these are the general outlines we eventually agreed on:
- Both sides have to have an equal team. One guy can't have all the grenade throwers and machine gunners while the other just has a squad of people pointing to their left.
- The only exception being if one side has a base. If that's the case, the person who has the base has less soldiers. This works well if there are only 5 yellows, but 15 greens.
- The game progresses by pointing at one of your soldiers, or grabbing him, and making the appropriate sound effect. The power and effectiveness of each soldier is based entirely on how good your sound effects are.
- When you've done the correct sound effect, you then tell the other player who got killed. This is accomplished by grabbing the other person's guy, making a sound that signals death ("uurggh") and knocking him over.
- The other player can challenge this death if he thinks that the kill was unrealistic.
Some common challenges:
- No - he can't die because he was behind this stick.
- Why are you making machine gun noises when he's got a flame-thrower?
- No but wait, my tank got in the way (move tank in the way).
- You can't kill him because he's my captain and you can't kill captains because they're stronger than the others and anyway he's on a secret mission so actually your guy is shooting at nothing because my captain is hiding and he's only pretending to be dead.
- You're stupid.
Some common rebuttals:
- No, you're stupid.
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Not to be pointlessly nostalgic, but it kind of depresses me playing with my nephew. All of his toys are damn computers with strict rules and preset features. The best part of army men was that they didn't come with a twenty-page rulebook telling you how to have fun, you just kinda figured it out and had a good time. And yeah, stupid fights broke out, but dealing with other kids when there's no rulebook to hold your hand is an important part of growing up, too.
ReplyThe modern equivalents of army men suck; they're all cynical marketing ploys, not toys. The modern equivalent of army men are Skylanders figurines. You don't spend all afternoon making a fort out of the stuff in your back yard. You put your toys in front of a computer and have it tell you how good they are at fighting each other.
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What are you talking about? No. 1 is the most bad ass. While the others go into the battle with the sole aim of surviving and maybe taking out some other people, they know it's dangerous. As well as the troops, there are tanks, terrible hazards and ultra-secret-stealth-bomber-that-was-invisible-and-has-a-nuclear-bomb that could come out of nowhere. The others will try to fight these. Binoculars Man looks at them, he scans them for weaknesses as they aim everything they've got at him, and he WAVES. He stares into the face of death, and says "Over here!" He knows that real men don't run and dodge, they tell the people shooting at them where to aim. And when the attacker is so struck by fear that he misses Binoculars Man's waving figure, he comes over, gives them advice, helps them aim a shot, and then goes back up there again so they can shoot him. And when they do, as no one can ever fail after being helped by Binoculars Man, he gives them a thumbs up, walks over, pats them on the back, and then says "Good job, you'll make a fine soldier one day."
ReplyAnd then he rips the bullet out of his body, and drives it through their head with just his thumb.
The yellow guys were always the Nazis.
ReplyI always liked Pistol Guy. He seemed like he could give a fuck. I tended to make him the hero of the story, running around shooting folks with his pistol like a boss. And is war-scream guy supposed to be keeping his rifle dry as he wades through a swamp? That's what I always thought.
Replyno. he is trying to bayonet an enemy
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ReplyI just pretended I hadinvisible Phantoms flying above who napalmed the f**k out of the opposing guy
ReplyMy buddies and I would shoot BBs at each others LGAM and battles would take hours.
ReplyWhat better way to celebrate sanctioned death than by brainwashing children with toys. It's not as if the American Murder Machine gets enough celebration.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesIt's just a f*****g game tone it down. They make different nationalities and no where does it say "america must win" Also army men are still based on WWII hero's, not modern day warfare. Back then the enemies where actually being bad guys and committing genocide.
"Lighten up, Francis."
AMERICAN murder machine? Yeah, right. Nobody in Cambodia, China, South America, Eastern Europe or Africa EVER commited atrocities. Ever. Right? Pol Pot and Idi Amin were just Americans in disguise. Get a clue, dimwit.
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ReplyI was ALL about these guys when I was a kid! had a big sandbox in my backyard, used to build rock fortresses, sand trenches, TUNNELS, sniper towers and always incorporated firecrackers liberally. great times. [:
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My friend and I always incorporated Lincoln Logs into the game. We would spend about an hour building forts for the army men, then we would set the army men in the forts. We would then divide up the remaining Lincoln Logs to be used as ammunition. We would take turns chucking, lobbing, and tossing the ammunition across the battlefield into the opponents fort, knocking down walls and causing death. When we ran out of ammunition, we would start lobbing tiny metal tanks and vehicles I had. In the end, the playing field was littered with destroyed Lincoln Log structures and dead plastic troops. Those were the days, all in the living room too.
Replyf*****g loved green army men growing up. I would carry around bazooka guy (rpgs and rocket launchers should be called bazookas) and regular standing/shooting guy around in my pockets everywhere when I was little. If I was actually playing a game with them against a friend, we would take turns throwing s**t at each other's men. You won when the other guy had nobody standing.
ReplyThe rules of plastic army men are simple: your guys never die and anyone who opposes that is not your friend anymore.
ReplyDid anyone ever have the guy who seemed to be holding his gun at a downward angle as if to say "my mother taught me running with weapons only leads to literal blindness?" Not even joking, I've got a bucket full of these guys in my closet, and this article makes me want to go play with them.
Flamethrower guy is also pretty useless, Plastic Army battles are long-range affairs, no one ever gets close enough to get torched.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesGo watch a video of an ACTUAL flamethrowers. That might change your mind.
Wow, a moralistic lesson from someone who fashions themselves as "tittylovin"? Thanks for the perspective.
Moralistic? He is just saying that flamethrowers are medium range, and he is right.
He clearly said "Plastic Army Battles". Not RL Flame throwers. The article also clearly stated that there are no rules. My Flamethrower guys were actually jet pack soldiers.
I loved the flamethrower guys the most. Also the bazooka guys.
Does anyone know who wrote this thing?
Reply