5 Plausible Things That Could Launch WWIII

It's inevitable kiddies- the world is headed to hell, and WWIII is dragging everyone down with it. Just what may be the cause of WWIII, you ask? Well let me explain...


Just The Facts

  1. Shit's about to hit the fan, yo.
  2. The world's gonna need someone a little less faggy than John Cusack to save it in 2012.


Bear with me meager plebeians, zombies are a serious issue in today's society. Sure, they may only be fictitious monsters which occur in movies and television shows, but that doesn't mean they couldn't happen in the future. Think about it shitheads, there are like scientists and stuff who make viruses for a living. So logically, one of those viruses has to be a zombie virus, right? Well I have no doubt in my mind that it is, so that's why naturally, I have purchased space at an underground bunker for when the zombie apocalypse begins. Sure, go ahead, ridicule me all you want to now, but when zombies are tearing your face off with their cold, dead incisors, you're last thought is going to be, "Goddamn. Brett was brilliant, why didn't I listen to her?"

And let me tell you, if zombies do strike in the near future, it ain't gonna be pretty. Think about it- zombies always win. Always. The last scene of every zombie movie typically revolves around them running in rampant droves around some scenic landmark. Those bastards are pretty freaking spry and they typically always have the numbers to win. So don't ever underestimate the chances of the zombie apocalypse. Ever.


If there's one thing I find more hilarious than fat people, it's tiny Asian penises. However, there are like, nearly a billion of those tiny Asian penises and I tend to think that they're probably pissed off about a lot of things in life. Chances are real good that these Asians, more specifically the Chinese, are looking to overcompensate for their lot in life, and I don't blame them one bit. You may be thinking that their first line of military action will be to bomb the US, but I say otherwise. Think about it- what other country could possibly have the largest collective penis size other than Africa? No one. That's why if China is smart they won't fuck with the US. Instead, I predict WWIII will be launched when the Chinese attempt to extinguish Africa once and for all. I mean, I guess good riddance or whatever, but still that's a lot of cute black babies that will perish for no reason. So China I know infanticide is your thing, but try to chillax a bit on it cause those kids are freakin' cute.


Go fuck yourself. Vampires are real dammit, and they're a threat to the entire population of the world. Why? Well, duh. Because they want to suck your blood. But what about those vampires that eat animals and shit, you say? They're just some elaborate fictitious character created by the throws of Hollywood as a vast metaphor for being unable to consummate one's relationship. Yep, that's right, I said it- Edward Cullen and Stefan Salvadore and Angel and Louis le Pont du Lac are all part of a collective metaphor for a limp dick.

But whatever, back to why vampires will launch WWIII. There are several possibilities for how this will all go down. 1.) Vampires will announce their presence to the entire world-republicans and Rick Perry will go batshit cray-cray and try to blast them all back to hell, thus sparking WWIII 2.) Team Edward and Team Jacob fans will unite with black market arms dealers, forming opposing alliances and eventually resulting in bloodshed once puberty is reached 3.) males who are fans of either "Twilight" or "The Vampire Diaries" will surmise the courage to finally come out of the closet in unforeseen numbers, thus causing religious and right-wing nuts to trigger domestic warfare against all "fags."


Thou shall not pass!

No, trust me, Magneto is not a fictitious character portrayed by Sir Ian McKellan in the X-Men trilogy. He's real. And he's hankering to start a teenage mutant ninja war against humanity. Mutants unite! I guess now would be a good time to go off into a complete tangent about how I wish I had superpowers. When I was little, I fantasized that I was Alex Mack and that I had the powers to zap people, morph into a puddle (best power ever!), and emit a strange glow during embarrassing pre-adolescent situations.

However, now that I've matured, I'd have to say I'd want a slightly more sophisticated power- the power to time travel. For starters, I could seriously fuck a lot of things up. You know the whole-a- butterfly-flaps-its-wings-in-Peru-and-starts-a-hurricane-in-the-Bahamas thing. Chaos theory, bitches! Well, I'd definitely pull a "Butterfly Effect" thing and probably wind up with no arms and no legs in some scenarios, but guess what? It wouldn't fucking matter! Because I could simply go back in time and un-fuck things up.

Then, I could ultimately create a sort of super-Brett, that is, the very best version of me I could possibly be. How awesome would that be? Time traveling rules! But yeah, anyways, so watch out for Magneto.


Basically, a bunch of fucked-up shit could launch WWIII. You know, things like faggotry, retardation, or obesity. Also things like Obama, global warming, and 2012 could bring about the end of the world, so you should probably watch out for that kind of shit.