Leonardo DiCaprio

Leonardo DiCaprio is some actor who got famous despite suffering elephantiasis of the head. He dates lots of hot chicks, and he went full-retard in that one old movie with Captain Jack Sparrow. Yarr!!&

I'm Leonardo. I'ma number one!

Yeah, no big deal. I dated Gisele.

Just The Facts

  1. His middle name is Wilhelm.
  2. He got famous on the sitcom with a semi-retarded character named Boner. His inspiration for the Gilbert Grape role??
  3. Starred in some Titanic movie, known only for Kate Winslet's boobs and its unpopularity with teenage girls,

The Early Years of Leonardo

Leonardo Wilhelm (hahaha) DiCaprio was born sometime in the 70's; his mom died giving birth to him due to his seriously enormous head. Not since Dawson's Creek has such an unattractive, largeheaded guy become a sex symbol................

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But we digress......

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Leonardo vowed to one day avenge his mother's death. Using money he made from his role in the box-office smash Critters 3, he had his father killed and beheaded for cursing him with the gigantic, flat-faced head he would now spend the rest of his life attempting to support. The soul-searching seriousness his acting roles are known for derives from pain and stiffness caused by the sheer weight of his head bearing down on his neck.

He was on Growing Pains, playing the gay underage lover of the character Boner.

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Leonardo DiCaprio Formulates An Evil Plot

He starred in a few movies, played a retard, etc.

But Leonardo aspired to be much more than a Steve Buscemi, the actor forever typecast in undesirable roles. How long could he survive in Hollywood playing retarded or near-retarded characters? Not long, he correctly guessed. He was already earning the nickname "Leonardo Mental-Handicaprio." And at this point in our tale, Leonardo plotted one of the greatest coups in the surreal story of the movie industry.....

DiCaprio funneled profits from his film and television work (he was on a soap opera!) into research of the most devious variety: the study of mass hypnosis. Long story short, his team of scientists perfected a technique capable of imprinting subliminal suggestions deep into the psyche; most amazing, they did so using only a 30-second video shown once.

The video, with an imprinted command of FALL DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH LEONARDO DICAPRIO, was used only once; with the explicit permission of director James Cameron, they embedded the message in his newest film:

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The Aftermath

The result was instantaneous and devastating. Waves of teenage girls (and the confused teenage boys who took them on dates to see Titanic) found themselves unable to resist DiCaprio, returning countless times to see it again.

Director James Cameron was shocked by what he had unleashed, and so began his epic journey to destroy the prototype for this mass-hypnosis device. But this journey would not be easy, for many great obstacles confronted him along his path.

The Journey

Hundreds of desperate barely-known D-List actors and actresses heard rumors of the device, and sought to have it for themselves. Included among them were such now-dead people as:

Walter Matthau

Ernest

J.F.K. Jr.

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and Dana Plato of Diff'rent Strokes, who was somehow overshadowed by Gary Coleman (ironic hahaha!)

Networking on various webpages catering to those seeking parts, they formed plans to stop Cameron and one day win over the world by possessing this great power.

Cameron used his sick amount of Titanic cash to assemble an elite unit of bodyguards.

After super-dramatically parachuting onto the middle of an active volcano, Cameron's bodyguards surrounded him. A hush fell over the group as they waited for the really tall guy with binoculars to check for danger. Cameron made the call: four Leonardo DiCaprio lookalikes were deployed in different directions, flushing out the army of rabid attention-seeking nobodies.

The buff and well-armed bodyguards opened fire on them, killing all of them with no mercy.

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No one would notice or care about the disappearance of any of them, and dodgy reasons were formed for all their deaths. Now Cameron was at the lip of the volcano, somehow not hurt by the insanely hot temperatures. Hey, this was planned and executed by James Cameron; did you expect a lot of plotting and realism, or a bunch of sweet action scenes?

Suddenly Leonardo DiCaprio revealed himself; their quiet and largeheaded guide Hector had been DiCaprio in disguise! He'd merely been acting, an activity which Cameron had never experienced in person and did not recognize.

Each of them pulled out a huge AK-47 or some shit and shot blanks at each other while leaping behind conveniently-placed rocks. Fake shots didn't seem to resolve anything, so they pulled out kitanas and had this fucking mind-blowing sword fight while leaping from tree to tree. This formation of a lush forest near the top of a volcano was really strange but enabled the epic battle.

Cameron was so rich that he made a habit of filling his pockets with pure diamond dust; thinking quickly, he flung a handful of this dust in DiCaprio's face and then shoved him into the volcano.

"NO! OW! I'M MELTING AAAAAAGH FINALLY I'M FREE OF THIS MAMMOTH HEAD AND I THANK YOU JAMES CAMERON," he cried as the lava melted flesh from bone. Cameron was touched by Leo's last-minute show of enlightenment and decency, so he rescued him and used technology you wouldn't understand to rebuild him with an exoskeleton left over from Terminator 2. This exoskeleton is more than capable of supporting his monstrous noggin. Happy ending.

They made their peace and remain friends til this day.