The Proper Way To Treat Food Improperly: A Restaurants Guide

This won't be the synopsis for the movie Waiting. This is about dealing with the real deal. The obnoxious, the rude, and the impatient beware. You've been warned.

Ah, yes the ever so unsuspecting patron

It looks that good for a reason so enjoy! We love watching you.

Just The Facts

  1. You will learn discreet methods of payback in the restaurant.
  2. This may contain some concepts you are familiar with.
  3. Keep in mind just because the customers always right doesn't mean that they are always right.

The Types of Customer We (love to) Hate

We will begin with our first consumer being the guy/girl who doesn't understand food temperatures. Now we all don't have to be Bobby Flay to know that rare and medium rare steaks are going to have some blood more so than medium of course. Now what this customer doesn't understand is that most all meat has a certain internal temperature that must be met lest the food be tainted in some way. Since we are talking beef though. Rare steaks 120 degrees core temperature, Medium rare 126, Medium 135, Medium well 145, Well done waste of money you lose all the flavor. Steaks also have a resting time so lets say you are a connoisseur of steak, the steak is still heating up while resting so more likely than not saying your meat is undercooked is ridiculous. This would be the main cause of your food being properly handled improperly.

Next up is the person who deems everything unappetizing and decides their own dish is more desirable. That's right, we are not so much talking about the him though more often her that wants chicken cut up, dressing on the side, light italian and balsamic vinaigrette not vinegar, three broccoli and one cauliflower for contrast, no starch... Need more be said about this person? Please also note this is usually the "It's to cold in here turn up the heeeaaaaat". Also usually followed by blaming the waiter for EVERYTHING, because like all of you know not only does your waiter take your order but he/she also: makes your drinks, makes your food (appetizer, entree, dessert, bread, soup, washes all the dishes, etc.).

We will discuss our final favorite which shall be dubbed the coupon Nazi. This is far different from the rest actually a combination in some cases. Usually a first timer since that's when their method really takes affect. So your coupon says right on it one per person, per visit, per group? Well to bad folks because this fellow is incapable of reading anything below a number. Not only will this table have their food comped by your establishment but your best waiter is an asshole, the food wasn't even good, and you'll be seeing them again because of your customer retention policy since you don't want to miss out on money of course. To bad though since you are only going to get bad reviews since this chaps also a secret shopper.

Retaliation Methods

Surely these are not concepts most of you have not heard of. The point here being
is food tampering is frowned upon by all even myself. If you get caught the
consequences are going to be the loss of your job if your lucky. The thing is though
there are times when you want nothing more than to pick up the silverware and jam
into their face. They deserve some punishment and not because you've had a bad
day, but because they are the most obnoxius, self centered, who cares you have
five other tables and ones a seven top we are more important we got salad jerk offs.
So let us begin my methods of secret improper handling of subjects food shall we?

The rag is a tool used for a variety of things some places its a dishtowel nicer
restaurants call it a napkin. This is a multifunction object. Its uses include: the wiping
up of messes, on the floor, counter, and walls. In the kitchen for the elite culinary
staff it is used for the sweat put into making the food, wiping of plates for
presentation, and also the cleaning of the work station. Now here is what you can do
with it. Depending on surroundings this is a discreet way of retaliation. Refills
anyone? Fantastic you've seen it in movies, wait staff a little goes a long way here.
Let's hope they are thirsty, yea? This can also be used by the culinary staff when a
perfect steak or burger has been sent back for no reason. I have dubbed this the
sweaty steak. Simple yet affective, plate the food stuff and just ring out your "hard
work" over top to finish off a great meal.

Now we have a little bit called testicle pepperoni. This is for all those Pizzaria's out
there which have the usual customer whom they dread when they place an order.
This customer complains every time, they hate your food, you all suck at
everything you do and they walk away with a discount or a free meal more than
your dedicated. Pizza toppings are usually cooked onto the pie toward the end of
doneness. Let's instead let our jocks do the cooking this time. What do you say?
Now you can finish off the meal but be sure to double check for hair or lint since
good looking food gets eaten without scepticism.

Finally we can discuss the oldest of old ,the worst of the worst, nastiest of nasty.
You get it now right? The infamous lougie. Now this is the ultimate middle finger
salute not only in the great U.S. but around the world ladies and sirs. This technique
goes unnoticed always unless your Farva from Super Troopers. The thing is we aren'
t going to add the extras into the spit, no we just want saliva. It is clear and blends
in like a sniper. This is absolutely perfect in sauces, and anything and everything you
will be tossing in a mixing bowl. The method is fast and efficient and you'll go
home happy knowing that the 50$ tab they ran up with no tip sits just fine by you.
You can control the amount with ease making this perfect for anyone to get back at
the table or just the one person.

Not Everyone Deserves it

The way I see it is children are for the most part on the safe side. So what? The kid
is mouthy and bossy it should be taken out on the parents right? That was a good
joke. This kid isn't safe at all. See the parents are probably sweet, young in age they
just don't know how to handle this rambunctious out of controller. We can place the
bet that after the little tiger goes to the bathroom and you tell them that his
sandwich was a peanut butter and skidmark special your tip percentage will go from a
meager 15% to a whopping sixty or seventy. Now I'm sure you'll be a bit timid
about letting them on but I'm sure you'll walk by while he's banging the claw game
for some stupid prize to notice their conversation on what military school is farthest
for the upcoming fall semester. Just think if that's not the case the whole lot of
them got a piece of you in some part of the meal so it's all in all, a win win.

Dessert Round

By no means do I advocate any of this in the restaurant. Its just that some of us get
these people and need to know the smoke and mirrors bit to execute the
punishment for bad behavior when dealing with these situations. You will always
have "that guy" whether he's in the office, on the train, the airplane, the company
execs your meeting with. These methods can also be used on loved ones. Just think
Aunt Petunia gave you a sweater for Christmas so why not give her a little
something special in her Gin&Tonic on New Years. Sure it's the thought that counts,
I'm sure you put a lot of thought into what you put in that drink. To the folks that
have read this through may your next dining experience be one of enlightenment
when dealing with a busy dinner rush. Also for my fellow wait staff and culinary
artists make sure it is worth it. Don't sweat the small stuff and if you do use a rag I'
m sure you'll need it. With that, I bid you good eating and a properly handled meal
handled properly.