Drew Barrymore

Her movies are terrible, she has a ton of money, loves to date losers, and can drink you under the table. Still interested? You know you are.

Just The Facts

  1. Drew is a boy's name.
  2. Married comedian and goatee afficianado Tom Green, resulted in divorce and testicular cancer.
  3. Cocaine.

Acting methods

Drew Barrymore became a star at the age of 6 in the hit film E.T., in which she portrayed Gertie, a young girl that falls haplessly in love with an oddball and quirky maladjusted creature from another world. She has managed to re-introduce and re-package this character time and time again as the lead female role in a slew of horrible romantic comedies. Her greatest contribution to the acting world by far is a signature delivery style of talking out of the side of one's mouth, a method in which she perfected possibly as a result of a cocaine induced stroke she might have suffered as a child.

This is what the 80's smelled like

Barrymore has starred in over 50 films and in 2010 she received the Golden Globe for best Actress for her performance in the HBO movie Grey Gardens. This sort of acclaim is uncharacteristic of her and will likely result in another 50 or so more bad films such as Charlie's Angels : Extreme Constipation and Never Been Fist, which will feature plenty of past and present lesser-accomplished-actor-boyfriends.

Pictured : Barrymore's agent looking for new roles

Social habits

Drew comes from a family full of booze swilling, self destructive actors of which to live up to. The Barrymores were notorious for their beauty, and their drinking. Both her Father and Grandfather were well known actors who had both been married four times and suffered from alcoholism and mental illness. Drew's Great-Great-Grandmother was a stage actress named Louisa Lane Drew, who also happened to have a terrible history of co-starring supreme d-bags, like John Wilkes Booth.

Booth - the Tom Green of his day

It is alleged that Drew started smoking cigarettes and drinking when she was just 9 years old. By the time she was 14, she had been in rehab twice for cocaine, alcohol, and a failed attempt at suicide, proving that she was by far the most badass of the Barrymores to ever live. After completing rehab, Drew filed for emancipation from her crazy ass enabling mother and began working on the film Poison Ivy. The film was a total box office flop. She got engaged a bunch of times, and ended up getting married to a bartender named Jeremy Thomas in 1994. For some inexplicable reason things didn't work out between the recovering alcoholic and the bartender, and they were divorced the following year. Drew celebrated her divorce and inevitable decline from the spotlight by running all over town flashing her tits on the set of The Late Show and the pages of Playboy. The titties were reportedly so bad that Director Steven Spielberg sent her a blanket to cover herself with.

Worst birthday gift ever

Barrymore would eventually go on to star in the hit film The Wedding Singer, in which she played Gertie Julia, a young woman torn between falling happlessly in love with a total douche or an oddball and quirky maladjusted creature from another world named Adam Sandler. The two would star in several other romantic comedies together, but since Adam Sandler resembled somewhat of a successful actor, there was no chance for an off screen romance between the two co-stars. With her now reclaimed Hollywood stardom, Drew decided to marry Canadian spazz Tom Green, only to end up divorcing shortly after. Other notable romantic comedy co-star boyfriends include SNL's Jimmy Fallon and his equally obnoxious doplleganger Justin Long.