Performance-enhancing drugs

We all know of med students and their mild meth cocktails to the "Bondzilla" chemical bonanzas that the Olympic committees make a big fuss about, but what about the unsung heroes of other activities that need "enhancing"

The lack of proton energy pills was a big let down

Just The Facts

  1. Where ever there is physical movement involved, you can bet it can be "enhanced"
  2. Every day activities can be interpreted as "performances" and can therefore be "enhanced"
  3. The actors guild simultaneously desires and is fearful of a drug that would literally enhance performances

Bowel enhancement

Not just fancy laxatives we're talking here, this is the weaponization of your very colon. With these drugs you can essentially become your own "riot police". Not only can the sonic discharge of your farts stun animals and move furniture, the neurotoxin that will emerge from your corn hole will be able to incapacitate a moderate sized adult. Depending on how hefty you are, you can break down doors and erase people's memories all with the power of your poop gas.

no more chick flicks

Attraction enhancement

Yes there are things like exercise and plastic surgery that can make you attractive to the opposite sex (or same sex if that's your bag), but why not use nature's shortcut, pheromones. With these, odor…. err Pheromone enhancing drugs! Women (or men) will gravitate towards you like your prehistoric ancestors did, even if you look like one of them (not like a woman but a caveman). All the crap about witty conversation and personal hygiene goes out the door when you smell like a room full of Fabios (well the visual equivalent).

can you smell that? imagine it times a 1000

Breath Enhancement

Not super mints, these pills turn you from a "lil wheezy" to a "puff daddy". Anything that requires more air than normal, like that "plus size" blow-up "Wanda", or the tires to your Chevy pick-up need a little firming up. Not only aids in air expulsion but air retention as well for those times you need to escape an exploding speed boat or avoid school bullies at the public pool.

upping your huff and puff game!

Acting Enhancement

Ever been in a play or a movie where your acting sucked king kong sized balls? Well with these drugs even a no-talent-tarantula (of the two-legged variety) can be dazzling audiences with out the need to be top-less. What will be oozing from your pores will be a mild form of LSD that vaporizes upon contact with air, that will take care of the critics and the audience for a live show, and the crew for a recorded gig. Whats left in your system will aid you in imagining the giant spiders the director wants you to be running away from. I smell Emmy gold!!

Step aside Cameron, new visionary in town