Mario Sports

You might laugh at first at the prospect of Mario sports. However, if you could do what they do in the game in real life, you might change your mind fairly quickly.

Who wouldn't want to rocket a rainbow at an opponents face?

Or smack a golf ball so hard that it bursts into fucking flames?

Or best of all unleash a rabid chain chomp that will rain death and destruction on the other team?

Just The Facts

  1. The whole series has a fair amount of unrealistic features in it (um...duh?)
  2. Most people would piss themselves laughing so hard if they even caught a wiff of you playing these games
  3. If you could really do all the things the games entail, you could punish anyone who shares the same playing field as you

Mario Golf

The Basics

Ok. Let's really quickly go over the basic rules of golfing:

1) Hit a little white ball onto the green (you know, where the hole's at)

2) Attempt to putt the ball into the hole

3) Swear at it until it goes in

4) Write whatever score you want and repeat process 17 more times (assuming you're playing 18 holes)

Aside from all the sexual innuendos you could derive from these rules (come on, we ALL know what you're thinking), you'd have to wonder how Nintendo could pull this off without the critical cheating and swearing aspect of the game. It's probably due to the fact that watching Yoshi swear at the golf ball would induce pant-soiling laughter to whoever watches it.

Why It's Silly

It's fairly believable to see some of the characters in the Mario universe to hit 200 to 300 yards (especially if you pick a beefy character like Bowser). And yes, they can still screw up shots just like any player could. However, the power shots are a different story. When you hit a power shot perfectly, weird things happen to the shot. It can vary anywhere from a blue streak following the ball to rainbows to spontaneously bursting into flames.

Or hearts explode from the sheer impact...why not?

Why It Would Be Awesome In Real Life

Imagine you're at a big golf tournament when you see Tiger Woods take a bad shot. You can either be a good guy and try to give him words of encouragement, or you could be a total dick and show off your "Flaming Ball of Death" shot. We believe Wood's reaction would probably be something like this:

"Fuck this shit!!"

You'd become an instant hit. Tiger Woods would quit in disgust and you would become the most popular golfer in history. Just be careful that you don't get TOO carried away with your "fire power".


Mario Tennis

The Basics

Essentially, the goal at tennis is to beat your opponent until you reach a certain number of points. The score goes something like this:

1) To win a game: 0 or love (probably because that number is equivalent to your love life), 15, 30, 40, Deuce (if both players reach 40) or Game, Advantage (Ad), Game

Note that it can go Ad-Deuce as many times as it takes until the game is won, which means it could possibly last freaking forever. Also, if you bean your opponent with the ball, it's your point. So this game actually REWARDS you for trying to kill the other player (or players if you're playing doubles: 2 v 2)

2) To win a set: win X amount of games (usually sets come in two packages: 2 game and 6 game)

3) To win the match (aka to be the winner): Win X amounts of sets (usually 1, 3, or 5 set matches)

Why It's Silly

In this particular franchise, you can do just about any shot you could do in real life: Top spin for speed (red), slice for curve (blue), lob for long high shots, drop shot for short low shots, and (our personal favorite here at Cracked) the ever impressive overhead smash (purple). Now for the fun stuff. See in this game, after a player hits the ball a certain number of times, their racket glows and they'll perform a power shot. They could use it to crush the ball (like Donkey Kong using his barrel launcher to propel him at the ball, causing it to flame uncontrollably [of course] towards the other team) or to stop time in its tracks to return even the best placed shots that would of ordinarily won the point. Also, these guys are freaking machines (or masochists). They could take an overhead shot square in the face and act like it was a 5 year old that lightly beaned them in the head with a wiffle ball.

Why It Would Be Awesome Real Life

Let's say you're playing against Andy Roddick. Normally, if you were like any other average person, you'd get your ass handed to you faster than "gold diggers" spend money. If you had anything like what was described above, not only would your shots be colorful, you could return any shot he hits at you until he eats his racket in front of you in fury.

"What the fuck!?"

To be a colossal dick, give him the advantage in the first set (say 5-0), then send a flurry of rainbows or fireballs (or whatever the hell you want to hit him with) and utterly destroy him until he practically dies from exhaustion, bludgeoning, embarrassment, and the overpowering stench of his own incredible failure.

Mario Baseball

The Basics

And now for a quick rundown on the rules of baseball (as unnecessary as it may be):

1) There are a number of innings (usually 9) that are divided into a top half and a bottom half

2) The goal is to score as many runs as possible and have more runs then the other team by the bottom of the last inning (again, usually the 9th)

3) To score a run, a runner after hitting the ball (assuming that the ball is not caught before it hits the ground) must eventually make it from home plate to the other 3 bases (first, second, and third base) and back to home without getting out

Why It's Silly

Alright, a giant gorilla putting on a boxing glove and punching the crap out of the baseball is already kinda silly. However, the people at Nintendo felt like this wasn't enough, so they also made a giant fucking walking plant that could eat everyone (Petey Piranha for those of you who don't know). Additionally, each character can do a star pitch and a star hit. Secondary characters (Toad, Dry Bones, Magikoopa, etc.) all have the same generic star pitches and hits. The team captains (Mario, Luigi, Peach, Yoshi, etc.) have their own specialized star powers. They could be lethal like Mario and Luigi's fireballs, or they could be more like a drug trip like Peach and Daisy's ability to smash the ball into tiny hearts and flowers, respectively.

"Far out, man."

Why It Would Be Awesome In Real Life

Who wouldn't want to see the outfield miserably fail at catching your bouncing egg ball? Outfielders would be diving left and right to catch what appears to be a giant mexican jumping bean on steroids and crack.

"God damn it..."

What? Not exciting or brutal enough for you? Then try hitting fireballs at other players.

Guaranteed to eliminate your competition!

Not only do you get to slug them at the other team, you can throw them at the batters too! Imagine the look on their face when they see the ball split into two (the actual ball and garlic...although you could replace the garlic with a mine or something) and instead of hitting the ball, they hit the mine. They're out for the game. And all you had to do was throw something at them! Unfortunately, if you abuse your star skills (which we all know you will, asshole) you will cause the untimely death of baseball.

Thanks for nothing, you selfish bastard.

Mario Stikers (Soccer)

The Basics

This is a game about the most popular sport in the world, so no explanation should be needed. However, just in case someone lives under a rock and accidentally discovered the internet, here are the rules:

1) The objective is to kick the ball into the other teams goal as many times as possible before time runs out (In international soccer, its 90 minutes plus injury time)

2) No hands unless the ball goes out of bounds and you're throwing it in or you're the goalie

Why It's Silly

This is our favorite game to pick apart because of all of the glorious unrealism that's been crammed into this one game. There's so many golden nuggets, we have to make a list WITHIN a list to get them all:

1) You can literally beat the shit out of your opponents

If you don't have control of the ball, you have the ability to tackle players on the other team, even if they don't have the ball. Sure, it rewards the other team with an item to use against you later, but who wouldn't want to spend the entire game tackling players left and right until you laughed yourself hoarse? Hey, speaking of violence and laughter...

2) The playing field is surrounded by an electric force field

If you feel particularly violent (or you're in the mood for fried shrooms) you can tackle players into this electric force field. This is turn shocks the living shit out of them. The sound that emanates from a player getting electrocuted is enough to make anyone drinking a beverage regurgitate it through their nostrils while helplessly rolling on the floor in a pool of their own saliva and almost consumed beverage.

"He sounds just like a Teletubby!"

3) You get items that are incredibly destructive

If you're playing ANY Mario game, you can't have it without the classic green and red turtle shells or the banana peels. They even have blue one's that instantly freeze the player in their spot. And that's the last of the semi-harmful items you can acquire. Now onto the one's that could seriously fuck you up. You could get either a cluster of 3 bob-ombs or a really fucking big one that has enough power to put a crater in the playing field. I'm pretty sure you could call it a season after one of those things blow you to pieces. But that's not the worst of them. You can even summon a god damned chain chomp that will tear up the playing field in an attempt to kill every single player on the other team.

4) Bowser is big. And a really big party pooper

Occasionally, Bowser will come plummeting down onto the playing field much like a sky diver who's parachute failed to deploy but the diver is fat enough to survive the impact as well as tilt the flippin world. Whatever side Bowser lands on will tilt, causing the ball to roll down to where he's at thanks to his shift of gravity. He will then proceed to crush and burn anyone who gets too close. It's kinda like the guy who crashes the party: no one wants to hang around with them and if you get too close, they'll either bore you to death or spread some disease you've never heard of.

"'Sup, bitches?!"

5) Flashy goals are worth 2 points

Ok, we can all agree that scoring using a super flashy move or motion could earn you style points as well as the potential of being on a top ten list for "Most amazing plays in sports" or something of the sort. This game takes it a step further by making a goal worth 2 points if you use a Super Strike with your captain. The captain you control will appear to be storing energy for a "kamehameha"ish attack, then jump into the air and hit the ball so hard that it explodes like a nuke just went off. The ball will streak toward the goalie, hitting him square in the chest so hard that both the goalie and the ball go into the net (presumably killing or severely maiming the goalie). This video will show the goalie taking a Super Strike POINT BLANK. Then later, he gets a Super Strike to the face.

And now, for the good stuff.

Why It Would Be Awesome In Real Life

You're the team captain for USA (or whatever team you want to be on. We don't care). You're team is down a few goals and time is starting to run out. So what do you do? Release the chain chomp. Get your players to huddle at your goal while you let the chain chomp run rampid through the field, maiming, eating, and crushing the other team. Then throw your bob-omb at the goalie and score until your legs give out (or time is up. Or chain chomp eats you and shits you out...and eats you again). If you're out of bombs and shells, use your Super Strike. Not only will you you be two scores closer to winning, you'd put the goalie out of the game too!

The goalie after you knock off his testicles with your Super Strike

Mario Basketball

The Basics

It's 3-on-3 basketball on these courts for the DS. However, the rules are more or less the same:

1) The game is divided into quarters

2) The goal is to shoot the basketball through the hoop to get points

3) Shots made inside the 3-point line is worth 2 points and shots made outside the line are worth 3

4) Score more points than the opposing team by end of the game to win

Why It's Silly

Take the points and add a zero in front of them. That's the new scoring system. Oh, and a 40-point shot is available in this game as well. It's called a Special Shot. If you tap the touch screen in a certain order inside the three point line (assuming that the other team is too lazy to interrupt your dancing build up move), your player will literally fly through the air over everyone and slam the ball through the hoop. If your player is outside the three-point line, they will throw a "colorful flaming prayer" sort of shot that another player on your team will alley-oop into the hoop (unless the other team decides to be a couple of douchebags and take out your player trying to assist) Also, there are ? panels on the floor. If you have the basketball and you bounce it on these panels, you get coins (Free money!!). The coins you collect also go to your score (like if you have 5 coins and you perform a slam dunk, you get 25 points. You're bribing the score keeper essentially) If you don't have the ball and you step on one of them, you get an item, which varies from the all popular koopa shells, to shocking the other players to death.

Why It Would Be Awesome In Real Life

Imagine you're in the NBA. Normally, the thought of you scoring a basket against people that are much taller than you is much like an ant trying to get some from your mother.

"Come on baby! Just me and you!"

But if you could pull off a special shot (again, assuming that everyone else is too lazy to stop you) you'll leap into the air like a gazelle running from a lion. Not only will you make the greatest shot in NBA history, you'll make Shaquille O'Neal look up.

"...What the hell?!"

Plus, if you could get coins from those panels, you could either bribe the judges. Or, you could just keep the coins and become a millionaire after a few seasons (depending on how big of a whore you are).

Remember, this could be you!

Mario Kart

Are You Sure?

Look, if we consider NASCAR a sport, then Mario Kart is most definitely a sport. Also, according to Wikipedia, this game is in the sports section. So quit your bitching and keep reading.

The Basics

Well, it's a racing game. Pretty straight forward:

1) Get the highest position possible (preferably 1st) by any means necessary (including cheating, lying, threatening to bludgeon baby seals, stabbing, blackmail, extortion, and using any item that you think you need)

2) Continue to do well in each of the races to win the tournament

Why It's Silly

The racing takes place in some weird spots, like the mall, in a mine shaft, in forests where you have to bounce off of mushrooms, and RAINBOWS (yes, you heard us. Rainbows. They would of had double rainbows if the double rainbow guy didn't beat them to it) Again, the item choices are wacky: shells, mushrooms, banana peels, lighting, fireballs, hearts and flowers. Oh yeah...did we forget a giant bullet? The game developers at Nintendo probably asked themselves, "if a player really sucks, what do we do? Oh I know! Let's give them an item that turns them into a GIANT FUCKING BULLET."

Note: If you ever get this item, it means you suck at this game or you intentionally failed.

Why It Would Be Awesome In Real Life

Let us say this again in case you missed it: A GIANT FUCKING BULLET. We don't care who you are or how manly you think you are. We're gonna go ahead and assume that if you saw one of THESE coming at you, you'd move out of the way faster than a person with Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome could have an orgasm. Just in case you lack the imagination to see what would happen if you really COULD turn into a bullet, we have a picture that could be pretty accurate.

The Aftermath of your "Giant Bullet" Transformation

Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games


Ok...technically it's not just A sport. It's a series of sport-like events that occur in one particular place. And yes, we are aware that Sonic is in the title as well. Technically, it IS a Mario game and it's in the sports category, therefore it will be in this list. And NO, we're not including the Winter Olympics. It's the same damn thing...only with snow.

The Basics

We here at Cracked firmly believe in not wasting a whole lot of time attempting to waste a whole lot of time (think about it). Therefore, we aren't going cover EVERY SINGLE EVENT that are in the game (let alone the real thing) and give you the gist of the goals at the Olympics:

1) Win as many gold medals as possible

2) Beat as many records as you can

Why It's Silly

Actually, this game has a fair amount of realism in it for a majority of the events. The absurd stuff doesn't come into play until you go to the dream events. In these events, it's the same events in the real Olympics (fencing, table tennis, running) except your character gets super powers. The running is like Mario Kart, the table tennis is like Mario Power Tennis (just without the awesome saves), and fencing is the pitching aspect of baseball...with swords.

Wait...So Why Would It Be Awesome In Real Life??

Good question! One thing we strategically forgot to mention is the sky diving event, which doesn't sound so bad until you consider that they have blocks placed throughout the event. So while you're falling, you have to avoid the blocks or you'll probably get some nasty injuries. HA! Just kidding. Nintendo wouldn't do that. So instead, you break through the blocks and keep falling as if nothing happened. If your body could accept those kind of physics, you would be invincible, let alone superman. Hell, you could jump off the Empire State Building, hit the ground with bone crushing force and be perfectly fine.

"Holy shit!! Sir, are you ok!?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Can you point me back to the bar? I just won a bet."

Super Smash Bros


Yes. We agree. Not a sport. However, according to a certain Wikipedia article, this game is considered a part of the sports genre. Also, the implications of putting any part of the smash bros universe into the real world are just so mouth watering that we just CAN'T ignore it. So here it is. We've saved the best for last.

The Basics

Time for one of the easiest physics lessons you'll ever get anywhere:

1) Hit your opponent to damage him (duh)

2) More damage = more distance they fly when you bash his brains out

3) Knock your opponent out of the arena to score a point and (if playing with lives) make them lose a life

4) Last man/team standing or has the most points by the end of time wins

For added fun, let's see what happens at various damage levels:

0% - no matter what you hit them with, they aren't going very far

100% - a good hit will send them flying for a few feet

200% - A solid hit would send them packing for good

300% - Anything would eject them from the immediate area

400% - A good breeze would make them fly

500% - hitting them with a toothbrush would send them to the next county

600-999% - A sneeze would catapult them to the other end of the state. An actual hit would put them on the other side of the country

Why It's Silly

Contrary to popular belief, if you were to take a full swing at someone with a baseball bat, you'd probably break some bones and rupture some internal organs. You would NOT however send them sailing through the air like they were tied to a rocket. Well, in the Smash Bros. universe, the more you hit someone, the better the flight time. It's kind of like kite flying. Just replace the kite with a person and instead of wind, you're beating the shit out of them to keep them up. Also, some of the items are so destructive, we would never imagine putting them in a REAL brawl. Things like the sticky bombs, GOLDEN HAMMERS, fire flowers, and the all impressive smash ball. Smash balls are special. When a character collects one, they can unleash an incredibly devastating move on the opponent that was doomed the second they decided to play. They could be from a swirling fire storm (again with the fire) to things you thought you would only see in "The Lazer Collection" .


Why It Would Be Awesome In Real Life

Really? Can you not connect the dots? Here, picture this: your sibling is annoying the crap out of you. So what do you? You pin them to a wall and repetitively beat them until you feel their "damage" is high enough. Then take him/her outside, throw your toothbrush at them and watch them take off with the velocity of a concord jet.

Your sibling landing in Scotland a few hours later.

And that's not the best part. Bullies giving you trouble? Give them a taste of your fire flower. IRS coming to get you? Knock them straight into hell with your golden hammer. Had enough of school? Get yourself a smash ball and demolish it into nothing more than a pile of rubble.

And then, as if summoned, "School's Out" started playing in the background.