Las Vegas

Las Vegas is the iconic city of booze, sex, and casinos. It is also the perfect place for embarrassment and humiliation! It's big flourescent signs seem to watch and judge everyone who passes them.&&(n

What are YOU looking at, Las Vegas?

Just The Facts

  1. Las Vegas is the #1 place to lose money.
  2. The only casinos not owned by Native Americans are in Las Vegas.
  3. Vegas is the hooker capitol of the world!
  4. This is where has-beens go to die (Wayne Newton is due any time now)

Casinos

Casinos are one of Las Vegas's main attractions. They are a wonderous place where you can lose your life savings, get beaten up by security, and cry in a corner all in 1 hour! The owners even take the liberty of removing all clocks from casinos so you don't leave and ruin your chances of winning. Most casinos have hotels in them too so you can cry in privacy when you reach poverty. Casinos also have an age limit so kids can't get in and tell their parents when to stop. It might also have something to do with "laws" and stupid crap like that. Adults are the only ones who can waste money and cry. Casinos often offer alcohol because it is suspected people are even more prone to wasting money on stupid shit while drunk though this theory is unproven. "What happens if you bet money you don't have?" you ask? Well first, the security beats the living shit out of you, then you talk with the owner of the casino and A) if he is nice he lets you work off your debt B) You get to give your house,car and all your valueables to him (if you owe enough) or C) You die. What a fun time!

Hookers & Pimps

Ah, the majestic whore in it's natural habitat. They say the oldest profession is the hooker (the elders from the beginning reside in a place called "Caesars Palace" with the pimp Caesar). Hooker's or Whorillius STD.'s natural habitats are dark alleyways and street corners with the occasional prison cell. The average Las Vegas hooker knows more about sex than you ever wil.EVER. It is predicted that the average person will break down and cry after the Whorillius gets done telling them the things they can do. The average hooker lifespan is 5-10 years even though they become undesirably loose after 6-8 weeks. Some children are forced to be whores but NOBODY wouldn't do buisness would them right?.....right? The eyesight of a hooker depends on movement. Peter Griffin once said "Lois don't move! They can't see you if you dont move!" after seeing a hooker on the hotel bed. It is fabled that Lvl 65 elite drunks can avoid paying a whore by standing completely still but there have been no documented cases of this. Often times people visiting Las Vegas wake up with a masculine hooker who only aswers to the name "Robert Dick". Oh, come on that has never happened to you before, seriously? The Pimp or Q. Pimpdabitchis is the alpha male who smack da hoe when she outta line. He is also her manager,employer,rapist, and drug dealer. In rare cases a pimp only has 1 hoe but most of the Pimpdabitchis species have up to 5 hookers they control. It is known that if a hooker quits on a pimp the mighty pimp kills her and rapes her corpse. Unfortunatly, pimping is illegal everywhere except the Bunny Ranch which isn't in Las Vegas so i can't tell you about it.Pimps will beat the shit out of you if you hurt they hoe! What you think that cane fo' white boy, walkin? Q. Pimpdabitchis also has a bad habbit. They love to wear the fur from past kills (aka big furry coats) which lets the popo know who is a pimp and who isn't making arrests so much easier (why the hell is it illegal?). The pimp's crib or whorehouse formally known as brothels are the pimp's base of opperations and where he keeps all of his hoes.

Entertainment in Las Vegas

Las Vegas also has alot of entertainment. This is where washed up has-beens go to die as stated above. Past stars such as Wayne Newton and crappy magicians preform nightly in Las Vegas. In Las Vegas if there are glitter and costumes, then the show tickets are over priced (just about every concert or show in Las Vegas) . There are many environments for children too! You can bring your kids to a strip club where the strippers hand out lollipops and the kids meals are free with 1 lap dance! Or if you are a strict parent and don't want your kid to have that much fun then you can leave him or her in a daycare with no door and an amputee named "Big Willy" to look after them. And for adult entertainment there is the classic game of "beer pong" or you can look at the beautiful scenery (tall buildings, neon lights, and smog). If you get bored of that you can find some drunk girl/guy and marry him/her. Las Vegas is famous for marriages with no questions asked just the way it should be! Las Vegas is also famous for 1 night marriages and divorces that are as slow and painful as in the rest of America so have fun trying to get rid of the transvestite chick you picked up at the bar and married.Marriage may not be sacred in Las Vegas but it sure is hard as hell to get rid of. You may be able to meet the guys from Rainbow Six Vegas if you're lucky!

Alien Sightings (by drunk morons)

Aleins are comonly sighted in Nevada.Las Vegas is in Nevada and there have been many reported sightings of UFO's and aliens and im sure some dumbasses claim to have been abducted. Area 51 was thought (by idiots) to be a base/landing sight for aliens and was a HUGE conspiracy because of the weather baloon crash.Even though Las Vegas is nowhere near there,there have still been sightings in Las Vegas. The kind of aliens spotted in Las Vegas are of the drunken mistake variety kind of like most of this articles readers.Some Las Vegas alien sightings were even of the "OMG I JUST SAW SOMETHING MOVE OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE!" variety.Oooh spooky. And the remainder of the sightings were of the "paranoid kid staying up untill 2AM" variety. Somehow i don't think most of the sightings are from credible witnesses hmm i wonder... STOP WONDERING FEEBLE AND IDIOTIC HUMAN!