Bristol Palin

Bristol Palin has a superpower that most people would kill for -- the power to turn absolute failure into fame and fortune.

Proof that they will give a diploma to literally anyone these days...

According to the Palin Family, that is Russia behind them (Its not.)

Just The Facts

  1. Bristol Palin endorses abstinence -- but she has to set her baby down to endorse it with enthusiastic hand motions.
  2. Bristol Palin is attracted to douchbags -- synonomous with guys named Levi Johnston.
  3. Bristol Palin has a famous mother, though I can't for the life of me remember why she is famous.

Politics and babies and money, Oh My!

On October 18, 1990 Alaska Native and developing MILF Sarah Palin gave birth to a little failure. This little girl would go on to ruin her mother's reputation by getting pregnant out of wedlock during her run for the white house.

Note: Her mother would like you to know that she was perfectly capable of ruining her own career, thank you.

This is what happened:

Bristol: Hey Levi, you wanna make a baby with me?

Levi: Wouldn't that look bad, you know, since your mom is running for vice president and all?

Bristol: Not if we get married silly. You will marry me if I get pregnant right?

Levi: um...sure, whatever.

Bristol: YAY!

History is born -- if history was an Alaskan infant destined to pop a moose from 100 yards out while watching Andy Griffith re-runs on its IPhone.

Bristol has been engaged and un-engaged and re-engaged and re-un-engaged to longtime boyfriend Levi Johnston over the couse of the past two years.

The still unmarried, now with-child, bristol makes anywhere from $15,000 to $30,000 an appearance to tell other teens not to have babies unless you are married.

She spends this money on snowmobiles and anti-yeti security measures.

Currently, Bristol is appearing on the show Dancing With The Stars in another attempt to whore herself out for cash. The FCC will probably not allow Alaskan Square Dancing on national television (It usually ends with someone getting shot or an un-wanted pregnancy.)

" Yeah, Yeah. Don't have babies, blah, blah. Now where's my pillow case of benjamins, ya'll?

"yeah, yeah don't have babies, it's bad. Blah, blah. Now where's my pillow case of benjamins ya'll?"

"Oh my god, daddy, you got me a turtle for Christmas? I love it, it's so cute and wrinkly!!"

Bristol: " You slept with Nancy Pelosi, are you kidding me? We are supposed to be getting married."

Levi: " Believe me baby, she needed it more than you do."

" Oh honey, you've got a little bit of cheap whore on your face. Here let me get it off for you."