South Dakota

In the year 1889 the US was lacking in fun and awesomeness. So the king Benjamin Harrison sent forth a call for partiers. And the state of kickassery, that is called South Dakota, stepped up and said, “Let’s do this thing.” And it was done.

Just The Facts

  1. South Dakota (and North Dakota) joined the union on November 2, 1889.
  2. As of 2009, the population of South Dakota was 812,383, living in a state of 77,116 square miles (or 199,730 square kilometers if you prefer the Satanic metric system).

The Beautiful State of South Dakota

The phrase "South Dakota" comes from the words "South," meaning under, and "Dakota," meaning allies or friends. Thus, the name denotes sexual congress. This explains why the state is so popular with tourists.

Also popular with tourists: the many beautiful landmarks and sites to see. Most notable, of course, is Mount Rushmore, made popular in the Ansel Adams print, shown below.

Ansel Adam's Moon over Rushmore

In addition to Mount Rushmore, another national monument is currently being constructed in the Black Hills.

The Pinhead Monument, dedicated to Clive Barker's Hellraiser Series

Also available for your viewing pleasure: the Corn Palace in Mitchell. Come see the fine artistry that can be done with different colored corn.

Hardcore Cornography

Famous South Dakotans

The following people form but a partial list of the awesome sauce that is South Dakota.

Tom Brokaw - Revered American television journalist
Crazy Horse - Native American war leader of the Oglala Lakota
Sparky Anderson - Major League Baseballer and stand-in for Yogi Berra
Hubert Humphrey - Lyndon Johnson's Vice-President
Mary Hart - Definitive star of Entertainment Tonight
Jason Kubel - Right-fielder for the Minnesota Twins
Cheryl Ladd - Charlie's Angels follow-up to Farrah Fawcett
Laura Ingalls Wilder - Writer of the Little House series that ultimately led to Michael Landon's conquering of Hollywood
Tatanka Iyotaka (aka Sitting Bull) - Hunkpapa Sioux Leader
Mamie Van Doren - Star of Sex Kittens Go to College
Brock Lesnar - UFC Heavyweight champion
Terry Redlin - Painter (like Thomas Kinkade, but minus the assholery)

Chuggo and the Geese, by Terry Redlin

Important State Laws

This is by no means a full summary of the laws of South Dakota. However, these are probably the most significant, and should be known, especially by tourists when they come to visit.

No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.
The Fountain Inn is a hotel in Watertown that was constantly being assailed by gangs of rogue horses. The horses would walk into the hotel with their junk hanging out, giving women (and not a few men) the vapors. The state legislature got tough and demanded the horses wear pants if they want to enter the inn. The horses left the state in a tizzy, and went to California, where they founded the town of Clapper Gap.

It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
In the early 1900s, a popular pastime was cheese factory sleeping. It was all fun and games, until people started finding body parts in their cheese. The legislature laid down the hammer.

Movies that show police officers being struck, beaten, or treated in an offensive manner are forbidden.
After six Police Academy movies, the state of South Dakota decided that something needed to be done. Since Steve Guttenberg turned out to be immortal, this law was passed.

It is unlawful for Indians to walk down the street if they are in groups of three or more; if such an event happens, then they can be considered a war party and may be fired upon.
This law was recently changed, replacing "Indians" with "Native Americans", as it was felt that referring to a Native American as an Indian while you're pumping them full of lead can be considered insensitive.

South Dakota Trivia

State Motto
The state held a competition to come up with the state motto. The winners were...
Third place: South Dakota--the warm Dakota
Second place: South Dakota--it will rock your balls off!
First place: We're in the top middle part of the country.
Thus, the legislature went with "Under God the people rule."

State Animal
The state animal is the Coyote, a canine species known for its strength and speed.

Because it wouldn't make sense to have Showgirls as the State Animal

State Income Tax Rate
Zero. That's right, there's no state income tax. Because the last time someone tried to collect taxes in South Dakota, they were attacked by a swarm of trained honey bees. Ninja honey bees.

State Insect
The state insect is the honey bee. You read that right, tax man.

State Sport
Since South Dakotans like nothing more than watching pantless horses running around, the state sport was declared to be Rodeo.

State Song
The state song for South Dakota is "Hail! South Dakota," a hardcore gansta rap tune first performed by NWA. To make the song more palatable for minors, all references to beastiality, murder, rape, ritualistic abuse, and telemarketing were removed.

Speaking truth to power, Dakota style

The Music Scene

Just as when people hear "Wyoming" they think of intimate relations with farm animals (oh yes you do), the name "South Dakota" evokes thoughts of kick-ass music. Here is but a sampling.

From Janitor Bob and the Armchair Cowboys, The Happy Song.

The powerful song Know Nothing by The Kickback.

With a combination of Native American and New Age influences, here's Brule with their song Buffalo Moon.

Up-and-coming band Showbaby present their video for Sara.

From RUSH, here's Tom Sawyer. (While RUSH is technically from Canada, they almost certainly wish they lived in South Dakota, so this link stays. What you say about their company is what you say about YYZ.)