7 Disney Characters (Who Sucked At Their Jobs)

Sometimes Disney characters are really good at what they do. Other times they are completely horrible. These are some of those people.

This is why Kingdom Hearts makes no sense.

Just The Facts

  1. Disney characters aren't required to be geniuses, but that should be adequate.
  2. Some aren't even adequate.
  3. Some are even worse.

7- Gaston Is Apparently a Caveman

His Job

A hunter.

Why He Should Be Good at His Job

Gaston proves his adequacy at hunting when he shoots a duck out of the sky without freaking out a single civilian in the crowded town where he hunts. According to his gay partner assistant LeFou, he's apparently incapable of missing a shot. That and Gaston looks like the manliest thing to com from France since Javert donned an officers' uniform.

Oh, Les Mis references. About five people understand you.

Why He Sucked At It

Gaston goes from arrogant jerk to evil bastard when he realizes Belle is now into bestiality. It's like if Edward was manlier, French and became obsessed with murdering Jacob Black halfway through New Moon. In short, it'd be like Twilight if it didn't completely suck.

Gaston decides to organize a hunt for the Beast and demands that everyone drop what they're doing to siege the castle. Even though we're kind of surprised that an angry mob lost to what basically amounts to the cast of "The Brave Little Toaster", the worst part comes when the hunter completely fails to beat what basically amounts to a heartbroken grizzly bear/bison hybrid.

It would be like if Rambo got owned by Hobbes. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

Gaston comes to the fight armed with: a dagger. Yes, for some reason his bloodlust was so insatiable that he couldn't take five minutes to go to the bar where he keeps his gun.

You DON'T keep your weapons at a pub?

Of course, Gaston doesn't seem to know what a book is. So maybe we can forgive this one.

6- Cinderella hasn't heard of "Hygiene"

Her Job

Cinderella's basically a maid to her entire family.

Why She Should Be Good at Her Job

According to the prologue, she's been doing it her entire life. And as they say, practice makes perfect.

Of course, in certain scenarios, the line between practice and the real thing kind of... blurs.

Why She Sucked At It

Cinderella also had some help. Who, do you ask? Hired staff? Butlers? Illegal immigrants? Elves? Illegal elves that used to be hired butlers before they moved to this land of opportunity? Ha Ha, don't make me laugh. She hired these guys:

Yes. She hired RATS AND MICE to help her clean the house. Apparently the Bubonic Plague was a bit of a joke in her household.

Emperor? What Emperor? That guy's a--- Hey, how long has that moon been there?

Actually, while we're discussing vermin...

5- Mickey Mouse is obviously a temp.

His Job

Disgusting, disease carrying vermin.

Why He Should Be Good at His Job

Because mice are traditionally disgusting, disease carrying vermin.

Why He Sucks At It

Let's look at some of Mickey's jobs; Band conductor, steamboat captain, Sorcerer's apprentice, giant slayer, king of the fucked up world Kingdom Hearts takes place in-

It's like eating a sushi burger. IT JUST DOESN'T WORK.

All of this adds up to an undeniable truth: Mickey Mouse sucks at being a mouse. He's like a fucking hamster now. I guess Walt Disney never got around to the cartoon where Mickey infects all of Western Europe. (At least it'd be better than Hannah Montana).

4- Maleficent needs to be more direct.

Her Job

Being a total bitch Evil sorceress.

Why She Should Be Good at Her Job

Did you see that picture?

If not, here it is again.

Apart from Chernabog (the demon from Fantasia), Maleficent is the most bad-ass motherfucker in the Disney universe. (And before you get all technical, I'm sure Maleficent could be a motherfucker) I mean, look at this:

Now that you've finished vomiting, I also should remind you that Maleficent has been the lead villain in Kingdom Hearts. She can also turn into a dragon. So suck it.

Why She Sucks At It

Part of being an evil bitch involves killing infants when you're not invited to their birthday parties. However, instead of turning into a dragon and eating Aurora right there, she casts some spell that causes her to die when she touches a spinning wheel on her sixteenth birthday. A spell that, you know, the good fairies undo in about a second.

I'd comment, but in about three years it'd be illegal.

At least she had the most competent Disney villain sidekick ever... Actually, that reminds me-

3- Scar... something clever, I ran out of funny ideas

His Job

Gay lion Machiavellian usurper.

Why He Should Be Good at His Job

He's obviously gay He develops a dastardly scheme to get rid of his brother and his nephew. Plus he's played by Jeremy Irons, who (with the help of Durza) actually made Eragon bearable.

FUCK YOU, Eragon film makers!

Why He Sucks At It

He's actually pretty gay

ENOUGH WITH THE GAY JOKES, ANTON!

Of all the personalities of my fragmented psyche, Anton is easily the most annoying.

Actually, he leaves a crucial part of his plan (killing Simba) to these guys:

-when he had an entire army of THESE guys:

Yes. That's right. Those are highly organized, efficient Nazi hyenas. Or, you know, he could've killed him himself.

Or maybe rape him

2- Stitch.... GOD DAMN IT, I'M STILL FUNNY!

His Job

Menace to society.

Why He Should Be Good at His Job

Because being a monster was in his genetic programming.

Why He Sucked at It

One picture shows it all:

Yeah, sure, they warmed his heart, the movie is about finding your true identity, blah blah blah. At least he made a real effort in some scenes. Which is more than I can say for-

1- The Vagrant Insect that they allowed to spend extended periods of time with a child.

Cricket's the name

His Job

Pinocchio's conscience.

Why He Should Be Good at His Job

Because... Actually, this doesn't make any sense. He was a random homeless cricket who broke into a house and decided to spew random bullshit about ethics. The only reason he accepted the job was because of the cricket boner the Blue Fairy gave him.

Get THAT image out of your head.

Why He Sucked at It

Jiminy Cricket is trying to be Pinocchio's conscience so the puppet lad can become a real boy.

Why... why would anyone want this thing to be ALIVE?

Now let's see how he does that: Teaches Pinocchio to rely solely on a cricket for moral advice, wakes up late for his first day on the job, determines Pinocchio doesn't need him when he becomes an actor, quits his job, fails to free Pinocchio from a cage, pussies out when the Blue Fairy arrives, fails to prevent Pinocchio's trip to Pleasure Island, abandons him when Lampwick calls him a grasshopper...

Your conscience gives up when inebriated ten-year olds mistake him for a different species

...and then tries to talk Pinocchio out of SAVING HIS OWN GOD DAMNED FATHER! You know, the thing that makes him a *SPOILER ALERT* real boy at the end?

And while we're on the subject, why would you allow a bug who follows wooden females into clocks to be the constant companion of a WOODEN CHILD? Look, I'm just saying there'd be no plot if the Cricket wasn't so lustful, and they made the guy a god damned conscience.

Others would strap a murder dildo on to the damned flea, but that's not how the Blue Fairy rolls, good sirs!

I imagine he sold the gold medal the next day to get a bunch of prostitutes with no limits.