King Kong

Once upon a time there was an island called Skull Island that was inhabited by stegosauri, apatosauri, pterosauri, and one giant gorilla, even though they are separated by approximately 65 million years of evolution (nice plot hole, RKO, TOTALLY didn't see it).

Anyway, natives also lived on the island, despite the fact that carnivorous beasts were roaming wherever they wanted. Then again, if people willingly live in New Jersey, I guess Skull Island couldn't have been too bad.

OopmaGuidos Versus Bloodthirsty Monsters: the debate continues.

Tired of being an island bumpkin and longing for something better, the hugeass ape known as Kong decided to seek his fortune. A big Blur fan, he eventually met up with Damon Albarn, and the two co-produced a long-shot Britpop/dub band.

The band's success exploded, taking Kong along with it. However, he learned the hard way that he was not cut out for stardom, and, five rounds of rehab and a deviated septum later, he returned home a bitterer monkey.

Unfortunately, his success followed him. The natives went apeshit (see what I did there?) upon Kong's arrival. Unable to control their obsessive star-struck-ed-ness and wound up like /b/tards faced with a new meme, they begin stalkerishly leaving chicks on his front porch. It's like love letters or bottles of your own sweat, but sexier.

WAY sexier.

This is where America comes in. Since it's genetically ingrained in white people to go fuck with things that aren't theirs, a troop of them decided to head out to this extremely out of the way and forbodingly named isle. Maybe they were being Imperialists or they filming a docu about the morality of zoophilia; I can't really remember, but the important thing is, one of them had boobs. Also, she was blond.

Because this is 1933 and political correctness hasn't been invented yet, the natives dug on the blond/boobies combo and decided it was a good idea to hijack the chick, Ann Darrow. Hearing the ruckus on his porch, Kong decided for once to open his door... and was SO glad he did. He and Ann immediately hit it off, and after tender evenings fighting dinsaurs with Sam Neill and pointedly avoiding the whole pen0r vs. vagoo size issue, Ann invited him to come back to New York with her.

Kong dis so, albeit reluctantly, but he found waiting for him in New York the lifestyle he had tried to escape. High on reds, he grabbed Ann in a Sid and Nancy-esque romantic outlash and climbed the Empire State Building. However, since Ann is not in high school, didn't get naked, and never disbelieved in the myths about the killer once throughout the entire movie, she can't die. Kong remembers this just in time and thoughtfully sets her down before being shot off the top of the skyscraper for the good of America.

The ape represents Communism.

The moral of the story: no matter how definitively you kill off a movie's eponymous character, there can always be a sequel.

Also, I often wonder how many people happened to look up at the Empire State Building and saw giant gorilla balls.

Just a thought.