Anarchy

Anarchy is usually used to describe two things. The first one is politically defined as "general clusterfuck"; the second one is defined as "a system of government sans state, inevitably resulting in a general clusterfuck."

Just The Facts

  1. Anarchists would have you believe that they have political principles. Don't listen to them.
  2. What they do have is adolescent hormones and a lack of natural ways to use them.
  3. Anarchists are hated by everyone else, including Communists. You know you're fucking up something when the Reds think you're too radical.
  4. This occasionally-irrational-but-mostly-rational discrimination has resulted in a few famous historical tidbits, like the trial of Sacco and Vanzetti, a court case where two anarchists were sentenced to death for the heinous crime of being poor and Italian. Gotta love US justice.
  5. Aside from this and some isolated events, they have had relatively little historical importance, because very few people believe that government is best done without sanity. Those who do normally end up in North Korea.
  6. On another note, anarchy and anarchism both etymologically stem from the Greek word "anarchia", or leaderlessness. The difference between the two is... nah, just fuckin' with ya! There isn't one.
  7. Some of the subgroups of anarchists are anarcho-syndicalists, individualist anarchists, eco-anarchists, collectivist anarchists, mutualist anarchists... Okay, it doesn't matter; they're all douchebags.
  8. How many anarchists does it take to change a lightbulb? Trick question, anarchists can't change anything!

First, a Disclaimer

Now, the more knowledgeable readers may have noticed that this seems to be leading towards discussing anarchism, and not anarchy. You may be thinking of assaulting me with comments so as to enlighten me of my own stupidity, or you may have already done so. Either way, you're right, but you have to admit that so many people confuse the two terms that it's rather pointless to insist that people use the wrong word. Besides, if I just wrote an article on the different kinds of complete fucking chaos there are with instructions on creating your own molotov cocktails, it would be kind of pointless, wouldn't it? Aw, fuck it, I'll throw 'em in anyway, just 'cause I feel like it!

Other Anarchist-sympathizers may have read the article thus far and turned up their acne-scarred noses at my blatant ignorance of the ethical and political necessity of stateless government, as well as my irrational and elitist intolerance of their political beliefs, dude. I must now assure these readers: you are very correct in your assessment; if ever there were a cynical, sneering, politically uninformed peon of capitalism and enemy of the people, it is I.

Me, age seventeen.

But you should know that this article is more of a humorous walk down memory lane for me, back to those august days of yore when I would print out a hundred copies of the anarchist A-in-a-circle and use them to wallpaper my history teacher's room, or when I read Atlas Shrugged for pleasure. This ain't no Manifesto, just a humorous and intentionally exaggerated piece of I-don't-know-what-the-hell-it-is. NONE OF IT IS SERIOUS.

So, I hope you enjoy the article, which shall follow a quote from my fellow insidious, aristocratic capitalist and raging drunk, Winston Churchill.

And undeniably the gangsta-est muthafucka ever to walk the earth.

It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.

Huh. Never mind; he was just a senile old asshole after all.

Now, the good stuff...

So, what is anarchy (or anarchism, depending on your level of obsessive-compulsiveness)? A governmental system, or lack of one. It's a serious understatement to say that there is little consensus on its principles, but here are some core components of most of its subcategories.

1. First, there is no central state, and there are no leaders. Anarchists justify this by various means, but all agree that, as anyone who has ever paid taxes can tell you, the state is a parasitic organism and should be ended.

2. From such a society of equals, it is theorized that various groups would form, or that people would just cut deals with other people. It would be a state of trust or, as experts call it, a 'bromance'. Obviously, though, this relies on the laughable idea that one human would trust the next any farther than he could throw him. Justice, economics and other such functions normally designated to governments would be carried out by individual groups. Hey... that sounds alright! Everything should be okay as long as people aren't greedy, lazy, stupid, homicidal shitheads! Oh, right... fuck.

3. That's about as far as anarchists have ever come towards defining their common ideology.

Now, the execution and reasoning of the "fuck the government" policy is the tricky part. Some anarchists prefer violent means of fighting the state. Other anarchists are pacifists. Some of them haven't even made pacts with Satan (yet)! But from here, you can split anarchists down into two firmly opposed camps: the pussies and the pricks.

The two sides, pictured as one. Teehee, I make sex joke.

The pussy side believes firmly in helping the downtrodden working class and such. How they intend to maintain a working class without a singular national economy tends to be shunted off to the side as an issue. It would seem logical that relatively few people would work low-paying industrial jobs if, I dunno, standard currency collapsed and there wasn't any national demand, but the pussies cleverly sidestep this obstacle by constantly bleating about the evils of the corporate world. They are little more than Communists without the down-to-earth realism of, say, Kim Jong Il. On the other end of the spectrum, however...

... There are the pricks. Pricks innately possess superiority complexes, which cause them to believe themselves better than any non-pricks (read: people with social skills). They care little to nothing for the working class, so their philosophy maintains that each individual must improve him- or herself to benefit society, and any attempt to help the people as a whole holds back their individuality. It is entirely coincidental that most supporters of this idea are rich white kids.

On the bright side, it's a much more realistic objective: social outcasts from far and wide have already formed such herds all across the globe, informally known as "liberal arts colleges."

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that this guy's the first result for anarchist on Google Images.

Explaining Anarchists

I've broached this topic a little, but I think it's time to offer a suitable explanation of the proponents of anarchism. While most other political cronies can be broken down in demographics by age, race, or economic status, anarchists are unique in that they all stay within the confines of one single group for all of the above. Due to this, instead they're categorized by the only way in which they actually vary: personality disorders.

Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder: True to form, they paid no attention to political theory or history, so the ADHD anarchists have about as many reasons behind their affiliation as I have sacks of high-purity Colombian cocaine stowed away in the safehouse about sixty miles outside of Phoenix. Which does mean none, by the way. None at all.

If you're not convinced, find the house that looks like this and ask for Tito. He won't hook you up. Do not make any mention of Tito's lazy eye.

Ahem. So, instead, these guys try to make everyone ignore their lack of logic by turning up their Sex Pistols LPs and wearing clothes so beat up the Salvation Army wouldn't accept them. Fortunately for the rest of the world, they can't concentrate for more than five minutes, at which point they'll probably go play Call of Duty or something. The greater risk is that their overly-concerned-yet-emotionally-detached parents will get them enough prescriptions to keep them focused for longer periods of time, thereby allowing them to annoy people continuously. Thus has Ritalin become the Viagra of anarchists.

If attention span lasts more than eight hours, seek immediate medical attention.

Major depressive disorder: A depressive anarchist is like the abominable lovechild of an emo and an actual human being. Namely, he inherits all the bitchiness of one and all the depravity of the other. Since they tend to have given up on the lot of man, guys (a hyperbole, I know) like this tend to fall more into the prick category. Which doesn't mean they're not still pussies.

A clearly depressed individual.

Psychopathy: They are anarchists because they scientifically cannot give a fuck. Further classification or rationalization is futile, and the only reason they try to convince you that they care about anarchy is so they can eat your soul.

"Proudhon's treatises were vastly superior to Bakhunin's."

Paranoia: Have you ever met somebody who believed that the government had a scheme to harvest their organs through tap water fluoridation? Or that lacrosse was a lie created by the Illuminati to prevent information from spreading? Or that factory-made shoelaces contain infra-red flares that anally rape you in your sleep?

The plastic-tipped faces of evil. Butt rape evil.

This is that person. He believes in anarchy not because of an idealistic notion of any sort, but simply because even the most mundane of objects, statements, organizations, or people can make him shit bricks. The world is scheming against him, and he will do his utmost to fight it off. Therefore, a system emphasizing individual independence makes perfect sense to him, because the rest of the world doesn't realize the Girl Scouts' conspiracy to hijack our airwaves, dammit! Anarchism would conveniently allow him to plant minefields and electric fences around his house and grow mushrooms for food in the basement. Basically, this person wants seclusion, and the rest of the world is more than happy to give it to him, which seems to be a satisfactory agreement. But that doesn't mean he'll take off the damn tinfoil hat.

Schizophrenia: The schizophrenic anarchist might choose his political beliefs because the swirls have whispered through my spine for me to drown the sorrow of untruth and I cannot disobey them or they shall swallow me and down the rabit hole I will fall into the abyss with all the flies and mosquitoes for ten-thousand-and-nine years until the rainbow appears again.

I did promise...

How I assume you make a Molotov cocktail:

1. Get a bottle. Difficult enough for you?

2. Fill it partially with high-ABV alcohol or gasoline. I'd advise Smirnoff vodka or Absinthe. The higher-quality the better. Otherwise, you can just stuff some dollar bills into it and soak it with liquid gold. Fill it to the top if you enjoy burnt limbs.

3. Next, add pixie dust and sweet dreams. They make your victim scream louder.

4. Throw in a twist of lime.

5. Get a long rag and dip it into the bottle so that it soaks, but you still have a nice, long fuse at the end. Now take it back out and choke yourself with it for twenty seconds.

6.You like that, don't you, you dirty girl?

7. Oh, shit, girlfriend's home...

8. No, listen, I wasn't doing-- No, come on, honey! Don't be like that! Hey, don't go!

9. Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

10. Fuck. Three years of dating and she dumps me because of this?

11. ...

12. Goddammit. GODDAMMIT!!!

13. <muffled crying>

81. Things were going so fucking well, too!!!

163. FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!

205. And what the fuck am I going to do with this fucking engagement ring now?!??!?

359: Might as well drink this shit.

Famous Anarchists

Fame and anarchists work kind of like thirty-year-old gamers living in their parents' basement: they don't. Despite the combined efforts of Stephen Hawking, Bruce Willis, and Ziggy Stardust, the pairing of the two remains a theoretical concept at best.

That said, one can be among the most famous anarchists to anarchists, just like one can be among the sexiest of Snooki's pubic lice. Here are some of the movement's heroes:

William Godwin: This man is largely considered to be a pioneering anarchist, just as his wife, Mary Wollstonecraft, is largely considered to have a funny last name (and to be a pioneering feminist). Godwin was an 18th- and 19th-century philosopher, journalist, and novelist. All of these occupations, along with his marriage to a feminist, lead many experts to speculate that he was "really whipped." His greatest contribution to the anarchist movement came in the form of his rollicking fantasy romance, An Enquiry Concerning Political Justice, often named as the primary influence for modern classics like Twilight and The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. This featured discussions of political injustices, critiques of aristocracy, outlining of minarchist societal structure, and wacky hijinks of a group of teenage she-vampires sharing an enchanted petticoat. Godwin is now thought to be one of the most forward-thinking political thinkers of his time, and the father of anarchism. Coincidentally, this could be marked as the only occasion that an anarchist ever successfully fathered anything.

Congrats, Rudolph.

Pierre-Joseph Proudhon: Pierre-Joseph Proudhon was born French, and spent all his life trying to overcome this disability. Bitter and permanently handicapped by a ridiculous accent and small penis, he eventually decided to deal with this by hating Jews, writing in his diary that they were crampin' his style, and thusly had to "be sent back to Asia, or exterminated." Hooray for antisemitism!

He also popularized the "Property is theft!" slogan, wrote some philosophy, resisted some tyranny, and generally did some shit. Proudhon is also charged with being the first person to actively call himself "anarchist," though that was probably because everybody else before then was too ashamed to say it out loud.

Loved freedom, hated Jews, looked like a bearded chipmunk.

Alan Moore: Widely known as one of the greatest graphic novelists of all time, Moore made his name writing timeless postmodern classics like Dennis the Menace, Family Circus, and The Amazing Spider-Man, as well as shameless spinoffs like Ultimate Spider-Man, Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends, Spider-Man: Country Home Cookin', For the Love of Spider-Man, and Spider-Man and the Incredible Child Molesters.

We're not kidding, at least about that last one.

Other, less important titles include Watchmen, V for Vendetta, and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. V for Vendetta gives a particularly blatant display of Moore's anarchist sympathies. In this artless piece of Pinko propaganda, Moore strongly advocates friendship, racial tolerance, eco-friendliness, and other such anarchist, unamerican claptrap. Oh, and armed, violent resistance to oppressive authoritarian regimes, sorta.

Moore is currently #4 on the FBI's most wanted list, for murder, rape, pillage, sorcery, cannibalism, hijacking, battery, assault, assault with a deadly weapon, assault with a deadly penis, assault with a weapon that wasn't really that deadly, assault with something that really shouldn't even count as a weapon but unfortunately turned out to be deadly, and 8,613 other crimes, some of which have yet to be invented.

This man fully intends to eat your children, and there is nothing that can be done to stop him.

Emma Goldman: Emma Goldman does not tolerate your shit.

Do not make Emma Goldman repeat herself.