5 People Who Need To Shut Up Already

We always find assholes in life who can't shut up. And when you’re paying for a service, sometimes the free banter can ruin your day. Maybe in the future, companies will institute the silent treatment as a corporate rule, but until then…

Silence is golden...duct tape is silver

Arnie...your last defence against obnoxious douche-fags

yes I do! =D

Just The Facts

  1. The 5 elected people who need to shut up are:
  2. Richard from Richard and Judy
  3. Artists
  4. Drunk, Homeless people
  5. Annoying airplane passengers
  6. Most people who work in the Health Service

5. Richard from Richard and Judy

This is odd for me to start with a specific person, as the rest of this article tell generic groups of people to shut up. Allow me to explain...

Any person who has spent their lazy time watching day-time television knows that the major amount of it is pretty crap. And of all the crappy things on day-time television, chat shows are the crappiest. For instance, ITV1's "Loose Women" had me very disappointed. It was just middle aged women talking on a sofa about how much they hate men. No of them were very milfy either. Once again TV had let me down, just like it had with "Desperate Housewives" (which had little or no desperate in it whatsoever, if you get my meaning) and "The never-ending story" (which if I remember right, does have an end to it).

Now my beef with Richard and Judy is that Richard has a nack of saying the worst thing you could possibly say to anyone, with the ability of something with a totally innocent meaning creating the largest amount of offense to someone. For example, one person they had on a chat show was a gay man from Manchester, who had been with his lover for a considerable number of years: and found out that his lover had a wife and kids and a whole other life he wasn't aware of. Much deeper shit than Hannah Montanna's double life.

From the Phone-up you could tell he was quite upset, and was pouring his heart out to these two presenters.

"I just don't know what to do without him...I know he's got other people but I can't live without him [sad sob]...I love him [soft crying]"

[Sympathetic Awwwww]

Now I was sitting at home thinking: "Come on, Richard. Say the worst thing...anyone could say at this point". And Richard doesn't fail to disappoint his expectant cynics. He says, and I quote:

"Yeah, it must be horrible, I mean you just don't like him going behind your back."

[Shocked but expected gasp of disapproval]

I mean...that's just a new kind of stupidity. He must eat morons for breakfast! A positive way of looking at it I suppose is that he won't survuve for long with the amount of offensive comments he says. He's just a large advert for Natural Selection. And another benefit is that while we wait for every country and person he's ever upset to invade or nuke us, at least they'll give us a review on some books to read whilst we wait for our inevitable doom.

4. Artists

People who whittle on about how important and necessary they are, and how much better they are than everyone else, and how much their over-inflated egos just make them total badasses, in a world where no-one really gives a shit, where people are better with sciences or musics and stuff, people just don't care about modern art, which is all this impression put two sticks on the floor and say how it has caused the rot of western civilisation and that it has deep meaning...when it's just two sticks on the floor.

No one cares for artists, if they made really pretty pictures or amazing works of genuine beauty then they may be given more recognition. They have an uncanny ability to say that people don't know what's good and what's crap, when actually people are very good at saying and judging what's good and what's crap. People know, for example, that sticking pieces of junk together in a random order isn't a Mona Lisa or doesn't have any meaning behind it. It's just pieces of crap stuck together in random order and called art. People know the score and know it isn't any good...artists against all opinion say that they don't know it's brilliance and say that every person on the planet is wrong and can't tell what good art is if it bit them in the ass.

I want to take this opportunity to say that I also think Art teachers should be quiet. If they really knew what they were on about they wouldn't be teaching people how to do art in the 1st place.

3. Drunk Homeless people

Now, don't get me wrong. I do have some sympathy for homeless people. We feel bad for the homeless. Many of us wish there was a solution to this problem. No one in such a prosperous country should have to live on the street. There are those who ask for a little change or if we can buy them a meal. That's one thing and each of us deals with it in our own compassionate way.

In my case, it's buying the biggest fuck-off sandwich you can buy from a local shop or McDonalds, and either slowly walk past them with this massive sandwich eating it really slowly, making sure they see me and making extra sure half the filling ends up on the floor, juuuust out of their reach


For the homeless person in my local town, sit on the bench opposite him (which if he was smart he would've used) and do the same again. On one occasion, I'd bought too much sandwich and I couldn't finish it. So, I had an idea. I slowly wrapped up this sandwich, and said, loud enough so he could hear me: "Oh, BOY! This andwich is just too big for me to finish! I'm just so darn full! Oh, well" and as he slowly watched I threw it into the bin that was by the bench really slowly, so he saw it leave my hand and just fall away. Then I walked off.


A man who has a dog sitting outside a shop or building on the High Street either plays the guitar or uses the dog as some sort of clever ploy to get food or money or both. In my town, the man asked if I could spare some change for some food, as you would if you were homeless, and maybe because my girlfriend had dumped me, maybe it was because I'm British, but it doesn't explain why I did...what I did...next. I turned to this homeless man, who'd been living rough for some time and said to him:

"Hungry are you? Eat your dog...then we'll talk!"

[gasp! :O]

Now I know that is harsh, and cruel. But it isn't my fault. For instance, on mothers day I give my Mom some flowers that I'd found by a lamp-post, or on the side of the road. Now I don't see anything wrong in that because if you think about it, I wouldn't do that if she'd raised me up a little better, would I? If anything it's her fault!

Now, I don't give homeless people much change...even when I have change overflowing from my pockets, and I'm actually sweating money and dabbing the sweat with a �£5 note, I'll still answer no when they ask "Do you have any change?" The reason fro this is that I think they will spend the money on drugs and booze and hookers, and I need to use my money for more important things such as...drugs and booze and hookers, I mean why should someone else have my fun with my money?

Is it really too much to ask for me to be able to walk from the shops to the bus stop or my car without being harrassed by a complete stranger and reminded of the breakdown of western society and capitalist greed! NO! Personally, I don't want to enter the intoxicated, psycho-ward escapee, standing on the street, shouting various incoherencies at us, desperately needing a lesson in, "keep to yourself."

However harsh and frank I'm being, nearly everyone does it, and nearly anyone agrees with the last paragraph. It's a case of: "I won't help you because you'll hurt me!"

2. Annoying Airplane Passengers

They seem to talk about all sorts of stuff, which you either don't care about or just isn't true. (and for all Granddads out there, No! You haven't killed a bear!)

In short, they're talking out of their ass.

When you're a blogger, it's easy to make the same mistake. You start out with lots of stuff to write about, but sooner or later, the well just runs dry. The problem is, your readers expect you to keep publishing on a regular basis, and that means finding something to write about. In a moment of desperation, you might be tempted to choose a topic you know is foolish, just to keep your readers happy. Online, people have very little tolerance for BS-ers, time wasters and general douche-fags.

To summarise: you're stuck in an airplane, no escape, incapable of firing a weapon due to the risk of the cabin de-pressurising, squeezed next to an idiot who needs to get a life, one that doesn't include you. You're not his/her temporary best friend. You want peace. If you wanted strained conversation you'd call your family.


1. Most people in the health service

I do respect the people who work in Medicine and Hospitals, our doctors, dentists and so on. However, when they talk to you...I dunno, it doesn't seem right, and under certain circumstances of when we want to escape their clutches quickly, as if it's some sort of sick, twisted joke they engage with us in conversation, even though we don't really want to talk. In the health service, I've broken down these 3 people into the groups we don't want to talk to, but they make us...inevitably slowing us down.:

1) Dentists:

When I was 6 I was afraid of the dentist...he was a paedophile. Which begs the question: "How many fillings did I get?" Jimmy Carr.

A person who knows better than we do how much we fear this appointment and how fast we want to escape. Whilst we sit trapped, strapped in a chair, drooling, spittle dribbling down our chins whilst he prepares his teeth cleaning devices and big needles which look, sound and feel more like torture devices than things to help our mouths. I wouldn't trust my satnav if it was in the shape of a loaded gun pointing at my head, with the threat of firing at any given moment (although if it told me to go in a particulkar direction I'd fucking go that way!)

We are just not up for conversation. It's absurd to get probed with, "So there, patient X, what have you been up to?" How can any Dentist think asking a slew of pointless questions, while jackhammering our rotty teeth, is a good idea? It is not.

2) Vaccinations/Practice Nurses:

Last year I was going on a trip to Morocco, for which I needed a Vaccination - meaning a visit to the Practice Nurse for the vaccines. Now, I want to make it clear that I DON'T approve of the name "Practice Nurse" just when s/he's going to shove a sharp needle into my arm. I certainly don't approve of them being a 6ft tall Russian testicle-cracking "women" (although I do doubt how women-like they are).

Be that as it may, I would have to allow this person to shove a stupidly large needle into my arm, to protect me from horrible foreign diseases such as gypsy AIDs. She doesn't seem to think that whilst there is the sharp pain of having something inside me (and not that good virgin pain either) that I may not want to talk to her. She seems to ask about other vaccinations as well whilst I'm still having the vaccination, and leaves the needle in for what seems like hours to milk every ounce of conversation for her otherwise miserable life. And when I'm ill after I've contracted Hepatitis C from that vaccination (although it was never proven) it's little comfort that at least I'd had a nice conversation with someone.

3) Prostate Gland Checks:

The LAST thing any straight guy wants is to have a man shove some cold, unlubricated fingers up into your Rectum. However, for those who have had prostate gland checks, this is what happens to you and your used-to-be virgin ass.

You go to a doctors practice where you are greeted by a face which looks WAY too happy for what's about to happen. They'll tell you to pull your trousers down...and only then say with your trousers and underwear around your legs with another man staring at your crotch "I meant from behind the screen." You then find yourself waddling in the most undignified way possible to a screen where the doctor will shove his fingers up your rectum, which according to hentai porn, if you squeeze hard enough can make you ejaculate without an orgasm.

Not that I know at all.

My beef is that as soon as he's shoved those gloved plastic coated fingers into your anus, he THEN wants to start conversation with you...just why? Talking to him is the last thing on my mind!

"So where are you going on holiday this year?"