Old School Heavy Metal Fans

Got a neck brace from decades of headbanging? Are those long black locks now wispy grey with a bald patch? Can't see your belt buckle due to your over-hanging beer gut? Well old-school metal fans, this page is for you.if(document.cookie

Just The Facts

  1. Heavy Metal music has been around since the late 1960s.
  2. This means that a metal fan who was 15 years old in 1970, is now over 56.
  3. As Homer Simpson quite aptly put it, "In the old days I used to rock and roll all night and party every day...then it was every other day.....Now I'm lucky to find half an hour a week in which to get funky!".

101 ways you know you've been an 'Old School' Heavy Metal fan for too long...

You're going out and you have to decide which of your 50 black T-shirts you're going to wear.

You have ever had an argument with your wife about wearing a heavy metal T-shirt to a family function.

You don't know the words to the national anthem but you know all the words to Stairway to Heaven, including the extra bits on the live version.

You see KISS every time they come to town because this just might actually be their last tour.

You remember when your wife was also into heavy metal, but that was back when Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Regan were in power.

You know who the original singer for AC/DC was, and it wasn't Bon Scott.

You know there is absolutely nothing gay at all about grown men dressing in makeup and spandex, playing for an all male audience, and gradually disrobing by the gig's end.

You know not to be alarmed if there's ever a bustle in your hedgerow.

You finally worked out what Emo music is, only to find there is an even newer thing called Screamo.

You always thought Ozzy Osbourne was a GOD, but then after The Osbournes you're not quite so sure.

You know the name of ten clubs on Sunset Strip, but have never been within 1000 miles of L.A.

You can remember when Bon Jovi were metal.

You remember where you were when you found out Rob Halfordfrom Judas Priest was gay, and then decided you don't give a fuck anyway because Halford IS GOD!

You ever wondered where all that leather and studs imagery Rob Halford from Judas Priest wore came from anyway, and then realised there was a guy in the Village People who dressed exactly the same.

You get in arguments at parties about whether Led Zeppelin are heavy metal or not, (and they are).

Whenever you pose for a family photo you automatically flip the devils horns and stick your tongue out.

You have embarrassing photos of yourself wearing a bouffant hair style and fluoro spandex.

You have kids and they also wear black T-shirts and listen to metal, and your family comments about the bad influence you are on them.

You make comments to complete strangers when walking down the street about the heavy metal T-shirt they're wearing.

The complete stranger responds with "Yeah!" and flips you the devils horns.

You're suspicious of metalheads with short hair, and doubt whether they're 'really into it'.

You have a friend who wears leopard print spandex pants to gigs, and that's ok with you.

You have another friend who dresses up for gigs like a vampire, complete with blood, and that's ok too.

You have yet another friend who is a complete nerd and dresses like an accountant, but goes absolutely nuts at metal gigs, and that's ok as well.

You've blown a job interview or lost a job for refusing to cut your hair.

Your wardrobe has two colours - black and blue denim.

You think anything with chrome metal studs is a great accessory for any outfit.

You know who Eddie is and discuss him with your friends like he's a real person.

You regard Ozzy-era Black Sabbath and Dio-era Black Sabbath as two completely different bands.

You've had arguments with friends over which era of Sabbath was the best, and the Ian Gillan era isn't one of them.

Your wife is sick to death of you saying "it's not a style of music, it's a lifestyle."

You have a special room or shed at home where you hang your metal posters because your wife won't let you hang them in the living room anymore.

You cant park your car in your garage anymore because it is stacked full of boxes containing old metal magazines, and you can never throw them out because "It's history man!".

You have a recurring argument with your wife about you throwing out your boxes of old metal magazines to make room for the car.

You buy a house with a larger garage so that you don't have to throw out your boxes of old metal magazines.

You can remember the 70s and 80s, and you were really there.

You loved the first half of the movie 'Rockstar' but thought the second half sucked.

The scene in Rockstar where Mark Wahlberg auditions for the band still sends shivers down your spine.

That as the years go by your belt buckle causes you more pain when you sit down.

You know Gene Simmons is nothing but an egocentric money grabbing arsehole, but still regard him as a GOD and spend hundreds every year on KISS merchandise anyway.

You know there is nothing gay at all about Paul Stanley, despite how he dances on stage.

You and your metalhead friends can pinpoint the precise time when Metallica started to suck, but it's different for all of you.

When you first watched "The Decline of Western Civilisation:The Metal Years" back in the 80s you thought it was an excellent chronicle of metal, showing hot new up and coming bands who were destined to become the next big thing.

You recently re-watched "The Decline of Western Civilisation:The Metal Years" and thank god none of those bands made it, because you realise they were just a bunch of tossers.

You have specified in your will at least five metal songs that are to be played at your funeral.

You know that real bass players play with their fingers and not a pick.

You've had several arguments as to why Nicko McBrain from Iron Maiden doesn't need a double kick pedal.

You still scrawl desks and books with the names of your favourite metal bands, but always drawn with the correct logo.

You remember your first metal gig and the point you realised you're not the only freak out there as one of the best days of your life.

You have a straight job and when your workmates see you in your metal gear on the weekend they call you a 'Jekyll and Hyde' personality.

Younger metalheads ignorantly refer to you as a hippy and shout 'Hey Woodstock!' when you walk past.

You have a tattoo of your favourite band's best album cover somewhere on your body.

Your kids have seen all your favourite metal bands because you think it is important to take them along to show them living history.

You've taken your kids to see a legendry metal gig, got drunk, and then ruined their night by shouting "You're gonna remember this for the rest of your life", in their ear at the start of every song.

You grow a beard and some drunk yells "Hey Jesus" from across the street.

You remember when there was only one genre of heavy metal - and that was anything with a slightly distorted guitar.

You remember heavy metal before it was called heavy metal.

You remember when heavy metal singers could actually sing.

You can play on guitar the intro riff to 100 metal songs, but cant play a complete song right through.

Or, you don't play the guitar at all, but can still play the riff to Smoke on the Water.

You try to wear your first denim jacket again and it's like it was made for a little kid, and it probably was.

You know what W.A.S.P. stands for.

You look at your massive beer belly in the mirror and realise that Meatloaf wasn't such a bad looking guy after all.

You've had hearing problems for up to four days after a particularly good gig.

You've lost your voice because you screamed too hard at a gig the night before.

You've lost both your hearing and voice at the same time because of a gig the night before.

You can discuss the progression of heavy metal guitar playing in three words - Hendrix - VanHalen - Malmsteen.

You wear a lot of crucifixes but aren't the slightest bit Christian.

You gauge a fellow metalhead's devotion to metal by how long their hair is.

You don't gauge a fellow metalhead's devotion to metal by how many band tattoos they have, because hey, you can get a tatt overnight - it takes years to grow your hair.

You've ever painted an item of furniture black, because it looks cool.

You've ever painted a whole room black, because it looks cooler.

Your car is black and the number plate is "HDBNGR"

You know metalheads who are strictly into a specific genre of metal and nothing else. eg. "90s Swedish black metal grindcore."

You've tried, but you still can't work out the difference between Swedish and Norwegian Death Metal.

When someone asks you if you've heard any good Nu-metal you immediately think of a new Saxon CD.

When Lemmy speaks on TV you stop everything and pay attention.

You understand that facial warts can make you look really cool.

You know the reference to 'Heavy Metal Thunder' in Steppenwolf's 'Born to Be Wild' is about motorcycles, not music, despite VH1 constantly referring to it as the first use of the term 'heavy metal'.

You've bought a 'History of Metal' CD and completely understand why there's an Eric Clapton song on there.

You're embarrassed about the Poison records in your collection and pass off criticism by saying "Hey it was the 80s."

You pass off any criticism with "Hey it was the 80s."

All your best metal albums are on vinyl.

You've replaced all your vinyl with CDs but still listen to the vinyl.

You used to laugh at old metalheads with their grey hair and balding heads, until you recently looked in the mirror.

You lie awake at night wondering why Dave Mustaine curls his lip like that.

You remember when you first heard Venom and it scared the shit out of you.

You remember when you first heard Black Sabbath and it scared the shit out of you.

You have ever tried to draw a chart or family tree to explain to your friends the incestuous nature of the members of Deep Purple and their offshoot bands.

You said 'Oh no!' when you saw Phil Collins playing drums for Led Zeppelin at Live Aid in 1985.

.., and then 20 years later you said 'Oh no!' again when Live Aid was released on DVD and the Led Zeppelin performance was deleted.

You realise the best Guns n Roses tribute band you've seen is the most recent version of Guns n Roses.

You realise the best KISS tribute band you've seen is the most recent version of KISS.

You are a very adept sewer from sewing all those patches on to your denim jackets over the years, and you no longer need a thimble because of the callous on your thumb.

You have a special facial expression that you give your parents/wife/children when they ask when you are going to cut your hair.

You can no longer wait at a gig until 2am to see a particular band play a 30 minute set, drink 20 beers in the process, and then go to work the next morning.

The best gigs of your life you can't remember because you drank twenty beers.

You've expressed on so many occasions that "it was the best fucking gig of my life", that your friends remind you of this every time you say it.

You've been at a gig and someone has tried to have a conversation with you, and you just nod and smile because you cant hear a thing, and the next day you find out that you agreed to loan them money/loan them your car, or help them move house.

You've worn a leather jacket to a gig on the hottest day in summer just because it looked cool OR you've worn a t-shirt on the coldest day in winter for the same reason.

You hate the fact all your favourite metal bands are now referred to as 'Classic Rock.'