Camp Rock

The next crappy movie series in Disney's attempts to cash in on it's young, talentless creations (The Jonas Brothers) as well as filling up the toy aisle of Walmart with crappy merchandise. Job well done.

Time for my favorite game: Spot The Symbolism!

Well, that was fun.  And disturbing.

Just The Facts

  1. The latest Disney Channel movie series, meant to replace High School Musical.
  2. Also a film about glorifying Demi Lovato and the Jonas Brothers.
  3. Wait. People still care about those fuckers?

Why?

Disney seems to be "hip" with the kids. Not the sweet ass Disney shit with Mickey and the gang and the classic films and characters. Nowadays, they seem to be merely associated with things concerning babies.

Seriously, what are they doing?

Disney's main way of reaching out to the teens and tweens is by means of the Disney channel. The Disney channel is a cable network filled to the brim with horrible sitcoms. They put out these original movies, called DCOMS, every so often, the most popular seem to be specifically about singing, dancing, and the trials and tribulations of preppy, over-excited teens (High School Musical, High School Musical 2, High School Musical 3). Camp Rock is like that, but in the middle of the woods.

The Plot

Now, the story is rather dull.

Mitchie, played by Demi Lovato, wishes to attend camp rock. She gets to go, but has to work in the camp's kitchen with her mother to pay for it. Simultaneously, teen pop star / asshole Shane Gray is left by his band mates at the camp, in order to get some good press coverage after his tantrums during recording. He also has to record a song with the winner of the "Final Jam," a competition that takes place at the end of the summer.

Whilst seating tables, Mitchie begins to sing, and is overheard by Shane, who hid from some crazed fans of his by being completely visible.

Fuckin' Waldo ain't got shit on him!

Shane decides that that's the voice he wants to record with and begins a search to locate the source of the voice. Eventually, he befriends Mitchie, and later on he finds that she had the voice he was looking for.

But, they totally don't hook up. Yet.

At the time of writing, the sequel Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam is set to be released tomorrow (It's like I planned this). It's just more of the same, only with a rival camp this time.

Anyway, let's move to our characters themselves.

Mitchie

Our protagonist, who also happens to be a dumbass. She is constantly lying in order to fit in with the other campers. Lying like a dog. She believes that she needs to have rich and famous family to make friends, despite "making a new friend" being the first thing she does. She just wants to fit in and not stand out, but she has, like, the most amazing voice evar!!!1!! Apparently.

Did I mention that Mitchie sounds like the name of a butch lesbian?

Also, her smile is creepy as shit.

She's supposed to be all deep and stuff, since she constantly drops hints that she is lying and regrets doing so. It's not really convincing.

Shane

He's an asshole. He's just your run of the mill jerk off of a rock star. But, all the girls, in real life and in the movie, cream their pants over him. He's also supposed to be all deep and shit; he's only a douche because the record company won't let him play the music he truly wants to, only what they think will sell. The record company also said that he should shut his damn whore mouth, or he won't get paid.

And, tell me that he's not hiding a little something. I dare you, I double dare you, motherfucker. He's not emo or a goth, so he has to have hair like that for some reason.

My Unwanted Opinion

I said that this is pretty much like High School Musical, but in the woods. That's true. However, Camp Rock doesn't break out into big elaborate, musical numbers every ten minutes. There's some shitty, generic pop shit playing, but it doesn't fucking explode all over your face. So, against my better judgment, I have to say that I prefer this movie over High School Musical. But, that's like saying I'd prefer getting shanked over getting raped in prison.

He says he has baby soft hands, but I don't believe him.

Sadly, because this shit sells so well, Disney is gonna keep pumpin' em' out. The music, and dancing, and light drama really appeals to kids these days. Mostly the shitty music though, because kids have no taste.

For all those Cracked readers with children, I am terribly sorry. Anyway, hopefully this shit will pass like boy bands.

Oh fuck dammit.