4 Stereotypes That Won't Survive The Zombie Apocalypse (1 That Will)

When the Zombie Apocalypse is over and the dust from your bones is reclaimed by the earth, which common stereotype will be left to rule the world? Who has all the right skills to take back civilization, and start anew?

Just The Facts

  1. The Zombie Apocalypse is inevitable.
  2. You are most likely going die an agonizing, bloody death.
  3. There are many different types of people in this world.
  4. Only one of them is prepared.

4) The Hipsters

The Hipsters are a special breed of pseudo hippies that concentrate on the important issues in life. They wear band shirts, thick rimmed glasses, torn jeans, and flannel shirts. They read poetry and listen to indie music, and claim that only they understand The Message. They are often found sitting in a coffee shop with a Mac Book, toiling over their unfinished novel and a cafe latte. Their extreme intellectualism is evident, and so is their muscular atrophy. And, on rare occasions, they can be seen gathering in small groups for poetry readings, where they can express their innermost thoughts and expressions, which allows them to stay in the closet just a little while longer. At least until that novel is finished and they can finally earn a little fucking respect from their Fathers.

"I'm totally focusing on my solitaire game right now."

When the Zombies rise, will the Hipster be ready? What skills do they have to properly fend off an attack? Does the pursuit of poetry, truth, and homoeroticism somehow constitute a proper defense? Do they drink Coronas or PBR!?

"No Dad, I don't want to go fishing, Pablo and I are going spelunking this weekend!"

The Hipster will attempt to hide in places like libraries, coffee shops, and book stores, most of which have glass windows. Without any knowledge of expert fortification techniques (or at least basic hand tool use), they will easily be taken by the hordes of flesh eating zombies. They will not have guns or weapons of any kind because they do not believe in violence. If they somehow get invited into a group of survivors they will be used as bait as frequently as possible, and sacrificed as soon as they attempt to start group therapy sessions.

"Ok, now we'll go this way, and you run down that dark alley"

The Hipster will die a horrible death and the world will be a better place because of it. Although they don't have much meat on their bones, it will be soft and underdeveloped which will make it the closest thing to veal the Zombies will have access to. Even though the walking dead have long lost their grasp of humanity, they will still remember the frustration of those long Hipster filled lines at Starbucks and the lingering smell of clove cigarettes. Their cappuccino flavored flesh will serve itself as a delicacy, and the Zombie will relish every succulent bite.

3) The Jocks

In school they concentrated on girls, football, and giving swirlies to the nerds. They excel in athletics and certainly have the good looks. After high school they went to college on a scholarship, but it was subsequently revoked because the school looks down on drunken driving and public nudity. Now they are working for their drunken step father roofing houses and they drink to hide the pain of failure. Their ex-cheerleader baby momma Tina needs money for diapers, but they can't give her any because the price of Natty Light keeps going up.

"He likes to talk about "The Big Game"

While they were the epitome of physicality, they lack intelligence without direction. Thanks coach! The Jock will tell stories of his past when he took risks and made big plays. He'll talk about the Hail Mary pass he threw to win the State Championship, where he was subsequently held in high regard as the town hero. He will be strong leader who has guts, able to instill confidence in other survivors. He will make them feel protected, and safe. But, he will also have demons that will haunt his soul. His failures in life will torture him in his dreams, and alcohol will be his only escape. He will spend his nights away from the pack, drinking whatever liquor he can find in hopes to get some semblance of sleep. He will develop the highest expectations of himself that he will never be able to achieve. This in turn will be his undoing; his anger and recklessness will ensure his imminent demise.

2) The Stoners

The Stoners are a special kind of people, and they can never be overlooked. Their relaxed view on life can only be summed up as the pursuit of personal freedom, which is often translated into the search for a job that doesn't require a piss test.

"Dude....You are totally like...uh...gonna want fries with that"
Pretty much everyone has at least one Stoner friend, especially if you have a stable job, a car, and order pizza on a regular basis. They are extremely loyal and will do almost anything for you at a moments notice. All it takes is a little plastic bag filled with fresh ganja and a well placed call to their Mom's house and with great enthusiasm they will wash your car, walk your dog, or even cut your grass. Who could ask for a better friend?
"Honey! Why is there a big hole in the screen door?"
On a sad note, the innocent Stoner most likely will not know that death is upon them. At first, they will not be able to comprehend the end of the world. They probably won't even notice until the Price is Right has gone off the air and their supply of munchies is all but gone. Only when sobriety and hunger has taken a hold; will they venture into the wasteland that was once society. They will pack up what supplies are needed to survive, but along their travels they will find that a bong, rolling papers, and the complete collection of Chappelle's Show are worthless in this new world. They will find themselves destitute and an easy target for the undead masses.
"Survival Essentials"

1) The Rednecks

Not just anyone can call himself a Redneck. It takes a very precise set of social and physical characteristics to classify this stereotype. You must have an affinity for the Banjo, an undying love for NASCAR, and a cousin you can also call your sister. Your Ford Truck must have mud tires, a V-8 engine, and most importantly a gun rack.

"I juss got me a new paint job....on ma' Gun Rack!"

Rednecks are extremely family oriented. Their family values are concrete and unwavering. It is not uncommon in the Redneck culture to pursue love inside of their family circle. Often times you will find them involved in relationships with their cousins, sisters, or even farm animals. Hey! What happens in the barn stays in the barn!

In the event of all out anarchy the Redneck may not be immediately affected. Since they live in the more rural country side and only come in to town for trips to "Wally-World", it may take a while for the Zombies to reach the outlying areas. Upon the arrival of the flesh-eaters, the Redneck will be prepared. They will already have a small arsenal of handguns and rifles, and plenty of camouflage shirts with the sleeves cut off. Hunting trips will have yielded large amounts of fresh meat kept in freezers, and mostly likely they will have a well for water and plenty of moonshine. The Redneck community will band together like the Klu Klux Klan at a Hank Williams Jr. concert, and they will be an unstoppable force. There will be heartfelt cries of "Git-R-Done", "Squeal like a pig!" and "I told you 'bout messin' with 'Merica boy!"

"We'll golly Bobby Joe! That thar's some damn fine shootin'"

But unfortunately, in time they will run out of Bubba's Jesus Juice Moonshine, bullets, and Budweiser. The Redneck Army will eventually falter, and even though collectively they will have enough teeth, there will be no smiles.

"Denteel Insurance?...I dun't 'lieve in Voodoo"

Furthermore, the Redneck is technologically disadvantaged. They have long since held on to traditional values and morals (no I didn't say molars). When the apocalyptic dust settles the Rednecks will know nothing of our current technologies and will not be able to reboot the world. With many generations of inbreeding their genetic code will eventually produce sub humans; this de-evolution will be the end of humanity as we know it.

Pictured: The Future

And the Winner is....The Nerds!

"No, you're not dreaming"

Some afternoon, a nerd will wake up is his parents' basement. He will roll over, and press the magic green button on his X-Box controller, and nothing will happen. In a dire fit of panic he will yell upstairs to his Mother to make sure she paid the electric bill. There will be no answer. The Zombie Outbreak will have consumed humanity, and there will be one underdeveloped man-boy left. In a rush of realization he will know his time has come. This is what he has been waiting for his whole life, NO! This is what he has been training for his whole life.

It's not a book, it's a fucking Strategy Guide!

Even though he has two weeks left on his X-Box Live subscription, he is confident in his abilities; his training is complete. The countless hours playing Call of Duty, Halo, and Left for Dead have provided him the skills necessary to take up arms. Once he finds out which button reloads the weapon, he will be unstoppable in this Neo-Apocalypse. His time spent grinding, questing, and fishing in World of Warcraft have honed his patience, and maximized his gathering skills..../Wink. The windows to his basement have been blacked out, and his nocturnal lifestyle has endowed him with night vision, thereby, increasing his ability to move during the midnight hours. His primary diet of Ramen Noodles, Mountain Dew, and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups has prepared his metabolism for the lack of vegetables and meat. Even though he will be hard pressed to live without Hot Pockets, he will prevail, because he is a survivor! A new Utopia will rise from the ashes of a fallen world, like a mother-fucking Phoenix!

"Oliver...I think it's time we start....repopulating"