Sperm, their long, hard, wet, acidic, squishy, death-defying journey to fertilization

Hard Times in Spermmount High

Just The Facts

  1. Millions race - only one wins
  2. They carry laser guns and maces to kill their competition
  3. They are weak as hell...if they touch anything but vaginal fluid they die

Part 1: The Selection Process

As you know, during intercourse, the man ejaculates and semen containing sperm fill the woman's vagina. However, the spermi (plural for sperm) that get chosen for this nobal journey are not randomly chosen. They have gone through rigourous training since their birth - days or perhaps hours ago. Training involves fighting to the death with other spermi in tail fights, where the winner must strangle the opposition with the tail. In addition to fighting training, spermi are exposed to crazy obstacle courses to mimic their upcoming journey in the vagina. Have you ever seen the show American Gladiators? Well these obstacle courses are way more bad ass and make American Gladiators look as easy as winning a medal in the special olympics. After a sperm has succesfully completed training, it is ready to be unleased into the womans vaginal cavity.

Part 2: Chances

Unfortunately for chosen sperm, the chances of actually being released into the vagina is slim to none. For nature has taken a turn towards preventing this from happening at all costs. Lets examine:

For starters, most of the time spermi are released not near a woman. Yes you heard that right. Men have the tendency to shoot spermi whenever they feel the need to, with total disregard for the training that the spermi had been through. The majority of spermi face their demise in a tube sock, in tissues or on bed sheets. Many of the times catching a glismpe of a fully naked chick being rammed right before they die. Poor soliders. Other times, when a woman is around, they are not even shot in the vagina. Men tend to spray their spermi on a womans face, back, chest, ass or in her mouth. The millions of brothers dying on the skin of a woman is a tease to their life goal of pregnation.

Even worse are the spermi who enter the vagina but have no idea of the barriers they face. As it does happen, spermi are finally released in the womans vagina, and they go crazy. Everything they have been preparing for has come down to this moment. Finally it is their time to shine...split seconds later, they hit an invisible barrier. "WTF?" they say, "this wasn't in the training manual". Sure enough, it's a condom. A sperm's worst nightmare. As they look around in the vagina, eager to proceed, this invisible force field is stopping them. Another tease. Even worse, some force fields taste like bananas or strawberries. "MONSTERS!" the spermi yell in agony. But they cannot do anything. Within seconds they are brought out of the vagina in their encompassing force field and tossed in the garbage, unable to fill their duty. Many force fields exist for stopping spermi such as diaphragms.

In the end, there is still a chance they the spermi are released with the intention for them to carry out their lifelong duty. And while it is extremely lucky that a sperm has entered a vagina unscathed, it's journey is just beginning...

Part 3: The Vagina

As the race beings, millions are sperm are racing through the vagina. Only one can fertilize the egg, hell if it's gunna be the retard sperm who made it through training only because his dad is the head of the committee:

The vagina is a fairly simple compartment the sperm have to navigate. There is only one path and it leads to the cervix. The catch? Don't touch the fuckin walls or you'll die. Yeah, the sperm have to rotary swim their ass through the vagina pathway without touching the wall. What happens when they do? The acidic lining seeps into their eyeballs, slowly dissolving them from the inside out. Don't fuck with the vagina walls. That just so happens to be point 1 in the sperm training manual. After successful completetion of passing through, the spermi (the ones who didn't die, 60,000/250,000,000) reach the cervix.

Part 4: The Cervix

Pan shit her pants when she saw the labyrinth of the cervix. This corridor like maze has the sperm navigate to find their way out. Seems easy at first. But leukocytes (white blood cells) aim to kill anything insight. Where it's sperm, bacteria or that little parasitic worm that you had in your penis and shot into your girls vagina. Leukocytes are bad ass. But the 60,000 that remain are usually pretty smart, navigate through and pass on through to the uterus (except for the 58,000 that aren't smart and die).

Part 5: The Uterus

The uterus is home to muscle contractions and white blood cells again. They eat any sperm that comes in contact with them but smart spermi use the muscle contractions to boost themselves through. Sorta like getting a mushroom powerup in mario kart. Out of the 20,000, only 20 make it to the fallopian tubes.

Part 6: The Fallopian Tubes

The Holy Fuckin' Grail of sperm life. At the end of the tube lies an egg. A beautiful round egg waiting for a sperm to jam it's head into it. The 20 remaining sperm get special powers, called capacitation. This allows them to penetrate the egg upon contact. But at this point in the game, the remaining spermi are intelligent and powerful. Many start attacking the other spermi in order increase their own chances of fertilization:

In the end, only 1 sperm fertilizes the egg. Whether it's a bad-ass killer sperm (serial killer child), blocker sperm (football player child), the fastest sperm (Michael Phelps), a child is conceived.

And there you have it, the life of spermi. Many of which die without even seeing a vagina. However, these dedicated little fuckers are more determined then anything to get what they want. This is their story.