Redneck Babies

The well-documented human sub-species "humanus rutilus-collumus" is an aggressive reproducer, but little is known about its young. This study focuses on the merits of adopting one of these tiny Trinitarians.

Redneck babies, once birthed, are placed in a solution of beer and chicken grease.

Three TVs later we decided to block Outdoor Life Network and all football games where the Cowboys lose.

Want me to smoke it for you too?

Just The Facts

  1. Many redneck women choose to carry on the ancient Southern tradition of being professional child-bearing factories. This is the primary source of redneck babies.
  2. Before there was Octomom, there were entire counties of rednecks, flourishing on the government cheese. Said cheese is distributed in greatest portions to families with the most redneck babies.
  3. Contrary to popular belief, the practice of inbreeding has fallen out of favor, being replaced by omnibreeding (indiscriminate unprotected intercourse). The result is a healthier, faster banjo-playing generation of redneck babies.
  4. Redneck babies are highly tamable if you get them before they learn to hate and fear all things non-Southern in nature. This is usually around day 2.

Let me sell you on this shiny, chaw-dispensing model!

It's a sad state of affairs when a redneck mother has produced one more baby than the Welfare office is willing to pay her a subsidy for, as this leaves cruel nature to take its course. She will generally either leave it by a stream with a fishing rod and half a pack of cigarettes, or toss it through the window of a sleeping big rig trucker and perform post-mating ritual of "haulin' sum ass a'fore that sumbitch wakes up". These are all widely known facts.

What is lesser known, however, is that redneck babies can be trained and, yes, even made into normal, multiple-tooth-having members of society, given the right set of parents with the proper understandings. Cracked has been using redneck babies as office guard sentinels for years, by exploiting their natural "git off my land" instincts.

Here are some other reasons why you might consider adopting a redneck baby of your very own:


As we've mentioned, redneck babies can thrive in the wild when given only the most basic hunting, fishing, and smoking equipment. This, however, is largely an exercise of ritual on the part of the mother, as redneck babies seem to be able to fashion anything they find into a functioning sawed-off shotgun (which can be a real nuisance to adopting families whose walls are not pre-bulletproofed). They are constantly in search of a trophy buck to hang on the foot board of their crib, and it can be hard to impossible to curtail this particular urge. You may not want to, opting instead to equip the baby with a homing beacon and let it play by itself in the woods for several weeks, or until it "bags it a big'n". This may seem like the kind of thing you want to discourage your redneck baby from doing, but if the Y2K ever kicks in (and my Republican fearmongering sources say it will), you'll be more than happy to have young Bucephelus amongst your fold.

No Crying: EVER

Regardless of gender, redneck babies believe crying to be the ultimate display of weakness, and could never live it down in their monster truck club meetings if it were "heard tale'a" them "bein' all wussified". This is not to say your redneck baby will not still wake you in the middle of the night; on the contrary! Redneck babies tend to awaken from their liquor-laden semi-slumber at random intervals, frightened by dreams of Hillary Clinton and G Gordon Liddy teaming up to plant explosive devices in all the world's stripper poles and other such imaginary-yet-plausible catastrophes. You as parents must be ready with a bottle of superpremium Gentleman Jack and a Confederate-flag-waving-horse-rider zoetrope with which to lull them back into a peaceful state of inebriated security.

Free Car Repairs

With just a garage, a 15-dollar boom box, a scratched Lynyrd Skynyrd CD, and a watery cooler with the one Coors Light that somehow got there and everyone refuses to either drink or throw away on separate Bud Light-loving and non-beer-wasting principles, you can recreate the redneck baby's natural environment and stimulate its urge to repair any vehicle you leave therein. Just don't be shocked when you go to change radio stations and you accidentally trigger the nitrous. Your subsequent wreck will be fine, should you make this common mistake, due to the newly installed driver's side roll cage. There will, likewise, be no need to call for a wrecker; the back and front bumpers are now equipped with enough winches to haul "ten trailers full'a rattlesnakes up off tha' bottom floor'a hay-ull" and will allow you to "keep on truckin'". (If you originally started with a car, it is also now a truck.)

Lawsuit Detector

While most redneck babies have a very limited vocabulary, one word they all know from birth is "suit". They will become wide-eyed and begin frantically and repeatedly screaming this word any time they are in the presence of something that has a .5% chance of winning a self-represented or sleazy, "pay only if you win" lawyer-funded lawsuit against any person or entity. This is the redneck baby's natural method of "pulling its own weight", and any redneck baby NOT found exhibiting this behavior needs to be taken to a faith healing/snake handling physician right away. The only disadvantage to the "sue me up sum dadburn Jetskis" instinct is that, rarely, it can be turned against you the parent for failure to provide sufficient whooping and/or hollering space, or breeching the various other codes and laws governing the keeping of redneck babies.

Ease Of Care

Unlike regular babies, redneck babies are accustomed to an extremely low standard of care, usually involving the use of cinder blocks and barbed wire, with the occasional used tire dressed as a babysitter. Many an adoptive parent incorrectly assumes that redneck babies dislike this type of treatment, but this is patently false; if you try to treat them like normal infants, they begin to become uncomfortable in their new surroundings and may reject your parenthood entirely due to its frightening artificiality and attempt escape. You will recognize this beginning to occur if you notice your redneck baby doing any of the following: building ramps in excess of 20 feet, equipping his/her stroller with rocket wings, studying maps of the state with truck stops circled in red, or practicing the hitchhiker's thumb. You can stop this harmful cycle by simply ceasing immediately all parental care and shutting your redneck baby in a chicken enclosure for a period of three (3) or more days, depending on the severity of the rejection.

Locations to find redneck babies for adoption:

Mud Wrestling Events, Flea Markets, Hoedowns, Hootenannies, Bluegrass Festivals, Hardee's, Amateur Wrestling Matches, Destruction Derbies, West Virginia (entire state), Bass Pro Shop, Screenings Of Smokey And The Bandit, Brittany Spears' Uterus