Cricket. A game of balls.

Balls. The game of cricket.

Some believe this ball, from mystery bowler S. Hussain, promted war in the Middle-East.

Just The Facts

  1. The box (the thing that protects your balls from the hard cricket ball travelling at 100mph) is as old as cricket itself. The helmet (what protects your head from the hard & fast ball) was first used in the 70's. Priorities.
  2. In a bid to increase its poularity around the world, England, the games creators, decided to be rubbish between the years 1870 and 2005
  3. Cricket matches used to have no time limit, but in 1939, after England and South Africa played for twelve days the match had to stop - As England needed to catch the boat home!

The Basics

The bowler, who might have square legs, will definitely have a keeper, and sometimes has short legs, silly points, and cover, bowls at the batters stumps, head, balls and anywhere in between. Some bowlers are swingers, others are chinamen, googlies are often seen, and it's not uncommon to see a finger spinning doosra in India, or a leg-break in Australia. Be careful when playing in South Africa, that you avoid a Steyned beamer or Rusty runs. In England a Sidebottomed inswinging yorker at your Onions is never good, so get Mustard on the pitch to help out. Finally, if you're planning on putting your balls next to a batsmans helmet, be sure to move them quickly, or they might get whacked. A cricketer must always be aware of the balls.

Especially the Balls

The batter can choose to leave, or play, but must always protect his stumps from the bowlers balls. A batter can stroke the bowlers balls, or give them a whack, some carress them lovingly, some even charge the bowler, in which case the bowler might slip his balls into him quickly. The more the batsman scores, the more his runs increase, and the dirtier his whites get. The bowler may show his long-on at this point, or toss one off, as the cow corner gets splattered by his balls.

Especially the balls

ESPECIALLY the balls.

When he's got out, he's replaced by a new batsman who starts on a duck, sometimes on a pair, and always with his partner at the other end. The batsman can also be outed if he handles the bowlers balls, gives his own stump a whack, is caught short by a fielder or the umpire gives him the finger after a strong cry from the bowler. He can also obstruct the field, but this is rare as the field is much bigger than him.

Once the batters have all come out and gone back in again, the bowlers then bat with the batters this time bowling.

And now you understand cricket. Easy.

The Players

Cricketists/cricketeers/cricketrons, whatever you call them, the players of this sport are some of the finest athletes in the world.

Shit I thought it was a pie

Shit I thought it was a pie

Well, they're certainly athletes, no doubt about that.

Okay so maybe they aren't all athletes, but at least they don't lie in bubble-baths drinking pints and smoking a Cigar!

One of the greatest cricketers to ever play with the oppositions balls. Seriously.

The Ashes

For the last 120 years, The Ashes have been the pinnacle of cricket, a series of matches between England and Australia, epitomising sportsmanship, fair play, skill and stamina. For most of the last 120 years, England would let Australia win, to give the Aussies something to smile about in between bites from 10 inch spiders, beating up their wives, and drinking poor quality lager. However now England has some big spiders of its own, lots of poor quality lager, and plenty of wife beating, especially in the Scottish part of England, so things have evened up.

Sportsmanship at its best.

In fact, England have won two of the last three Ashes series, and the first win, in 2005, Englands first win in 15 years, was such a pround achievement for the nation that all the players got really drunk, hijacked a bus, and drove around London.

Hey, if you can't get really drunk and hold a baby out of a bus after you've won the ashes, when can you get really drunk and hold a baby out of a bus.