Succubus

Succubi are delightfully d-cupped denizens of Hell, who come out of their inflamed rock caves to seduce and pleasure powerful, successful men away from their lives of virtue and happiness. See also: Girls of Jersey Shore, Atlantic City prostitution.

Succubi, much like Madonna, are demons from hell who force you to achieve erections despite leathery wings and hair in unusual places..

Basically, in Japan, if it isn't Tentacle Rape Hentai, the porn will have Succubi.  Or Cats.  Fucking Japan.

Okay, maybe I was a little hasty about the evil thing.

Just The Facts

  1. Seducing men in various cultures since the beginning of time, appears in Jewish, Russian, and even Arabic myths.
  2. The Japanese use them as Fap Fodder and Cosplay.
  3. American virgins draw pictures of them in binders with emo metal bands written in pen on the cover.

Understanding Man and their attraction to the Succubus.

Women seem to think that men only function with their dicks. My Gram-Gram used to say that we men are nothing but "Gizz limos looking for a parking garage." And the point that these lonely, strange smelling women are trying to make is that men are easily seduced away from their significant others.

That simply isn't true. As much as a girl with giant boobs and a friendly smile is alluring, there's one defining characteristic of men that overrules our libidos: Laziness. You see, if a man gets caught cheating, he has to go out and find a new girlfriend/wife/strip club to spend his time with. And breaking in a new girl is such a monumental pain in the ass that most men are simply too lazy to risk her leaving him.

Sitting down to watch all the Star Wars movies because she's never seen them, going through your whole comic book collection with her to show her how superior Marvel is to DC, and playing Street Fighter with her for hours until she agrees to dress up as Ibuki for sexy role-play all sound like fun independently, but all together that there is a long weekend. Guys don't want to have to train a new girl where to touch and not to touch their penises/collectables, they just want keep their girl and occasionally jerk off to that hot girl they saw on the highway.

"What honey? Don't come in, I'm pooping!" (fapfapfap)

Guys, we know that for the most part, the worst thing your significant other will have to deal with is an uncleared browsing history with some questionable Brazilian porn websites on it. The real threat isn't the average girl walking down the street, because men know that no matter how hot she is, no matter how giant her boobs are, some guy, somewhere, is tired of her shit. Women are crazy, and a man simply has to find the one woman who is the right amount of hot/crazy for his level of tolerance.

Also known as the Barney Stinson Paradigm.


No, the real threat is the Succubus. Mankind has idealized the perfect sexual partner for himself since the dawn of time. Of course, the Bible incorporates this idea saying sex that good must, inherently, be evil. A man won't be swayed by a normal woman, but an Immortal Fuckdemon just sounds like the best time a guy can have.


Immortal Fuckdemon also sounds like the name of a Japanese Metal band.


The idea that a hot, both literally and figuratively, "woman" who wants nothing from a guy is more than a normal man can bear. All she wants to do is get buck nekkid, do a little dance for you and screw like rabbits repopulating their habitat after a NRA meeting in the woods.

I, like many fans of Cracked.com, would imagine the Succubus to look like Desdemona from the classic children's program Gargoyles, as a point of reference. If a Desdemona Succubus came up to a man, disrobed and said,

"Theres no way to get me pregnant, you can put it anywhere, yes you can touch my wings, and I will vanish into a puff of smoke after you've finished using me as an Ejaculate Repository," Any man would simply shit their pants, achieve an erection, and test the constitution of those pants containing both excrement and a Sperm Rocket ready for take-off.

Lets face it, if a Succubus came down the road wagging her tail AND shaking her ass, there would be no way for a man to say no. And remember, after you are done having sex with an etherial being whose soul job (PUN!) is Fornication and has several millennia of experience at it, she turns into a puff of giggly smoke. Readers of internet comedy articles most likely love giggle puffs of smoke, and sex with a demon whose rack is magically immune to gravity is a great prelude to indulgent gigglepuffs.


Men, we can only strive to be powerful, influential, rich and wise enough to have the devil take notice and send a Succubus to us. Otherwise, click the link to see a video from Japan that captures the male fantasy from age 15 perfectly. Well, as perfect as Japanese can.