5 Bizarre Things To Look For In The NFL This Year

Ahhhhhhh yes , the summer of 2010 is winding down . Soon the temperature will start to drop , the leaves will begin to turn colors , and large angry men will don fiberglass suits of armor and smash into each other repeatedly.

Hopefully not like this

Just The Facts

  1. The NFL is the most watched sport in America
  2. The 2010 season will be full of compelling storylines
  3. Some of those stories will seem preposterous

What to watch for : NFL 2010

Yes , yes , the unbearable brightness of summer will soon be overshadowed by the grim specter of death that is Autumn. I for one , am ecstatic. Why ? Because the death of summer ( sad as you people think that is ) is the very thing that enables a new NFL season to be born. Circle of life my friends , circle of life.

As you know every NFL season brings with it a whole new set of intriguing story lines as well as a mountain of questions. Will Tom Brady and the Patriots return to form a year removed from the knee injury ? Will the Eagles be justified in turning to Kevin Kolb instead of a proven Donovan McNabb ? Will the Cleveland Browns loose a game to themselves despite the improbability of a regular season Browns v Browns match up ? Who can say ? Who COULD say ?

It never ceases to amaze me how different one NFL season is to the next. Especially these days when almost any team can rise up to compete. I do not call that parody by the way , I call it competitive balance. I think it's the silent reason that the NFL is now America's new pastime. Almost every team has the potential to rise up and shock somebody every year. Ya I'm talking to YOU Raider fan !!!! Let's do this thing !!




I knew it !!!


Again , that fact leads to some potentially awesome story lines . Can anyone beat the Jets ? What if Tony Romo is the next MVP ? Will the Buffalo Bills decide that passing the ball is overrated and bring back the four horseman formation ? Improbable I know , but this is the NFL. Who the hell knows ?

All those thoughts are worthy of our attention of course , but I like to look deeper into things . Read between the lines of the future a little. Seek a more ridiculous article ...if you will. So I have compiled my top 5 things to watch for as the 2010 NFL season unfolds. Enjoy.

# 5 - WHEN ( not if ) WILL TERELL OWENS AND CHAD OCHOCINCO KISS ?

Yikes , right off the bat with a tough one. Perhaps a better question would be ...How long will it take for these two attention whores to kiss, get in a fight , break up , and then kiss and make up again ?

Ever since the Bengals sold their souls and signed Owens these two ya-hoos have already been seen gallivanting around the practice field attached at the hip. Like a couple of frat boys overly amused by each others pranks. Also it appears that they have managed to get the two worst reality shows ever ( their own ) to run back to back on VH1.

That's right , if watching something that makes you embarrassed to be human is your thing then check out VH1 for back to back episodes of "The T.O. Show" and "The Ultimate Catch". Good grief , the only saving grace here is that the laws of physics prevent TV stations from airing shows "front to front". On top of that the dynamic duo were heard referring to themselves as Batman and Robin during an all important pre season , sideline interview. Ochocinco , despite playing for the Bengals for over a decade actually taking the submissive Robin role with a forced smile.

Really Chad ? Come on Ochocinco , you got to check yourself bro. Owens has only been there for like three weeks , you can't just let him come into your house and rip the Batman moniker from you . Unless of course you really, REALLY like the "Robin" role. Maybe you even like it so much you do it in your free time ? Perhaps 85 just really isn't as down with the ladies as his horrible "reality" show would have us believe.

What ? I love berginas !!!

This dog and pony show can only end badly in my estimation. One can only hope that it doesn't result in any marriage vows. Can you imagine the Pre-nup for two multi million dollar camera hogs like this ?

WORST CASE SCENARIO :

After the Bengals start off 0 - 6 a despondent Ochocinco shows up at T.O.'s house (unannounced) to have a good cry. Upon entering the living room he is shocked to find his beloved Batman engaged in a photo shoot with a 4th string receiver. Feeling nauseous and betrayed Ochocinco hops the next flight to Dallas and propositions a bewildered Tony Romo to create an Ocho-Romo cut out calendar.

Romo thoroughly rejects the idea of course and is forced to shoo 85 off his lawn with a rolled up news paper. Unable to deal with a potential third humiliating rejection Ochocinco turns to the one man who craves public affection even more the he does.

Oh dear god

Good luck in 2010 Carson Palmer , you are going to need it.

# 4 - WILL THE BROTHERS MANNING EVER STOP LICKING STUFF ?

What started out as an innocent effort to jointly promote delicious Oreo cookies quickly turned out to be a far more disturbing debacle. The 2009 Double Stuff Racing League campaign took little time to reveal it's dark side. Bad enough that the Oreo brand has long practiced the fine art of showing little boys licking on some cream. But two grown men competing in a lick off was so bad that even the addition of the uber popular Williams sisters failed to make it tolerable.

pictured - intolerable

Not even Donald Trump could rescue this train wreck . This promotion only succeeded in proving that both Mannings are as socially awkward as Susan Boyle on meth.
How can two Super Bowl winning QBs subject themselves to this kind of humiliation? They both have huge NFL contracts so it can't be about the money can it ? The fame maybe ? Again , Superbowl winners both. In the best case scenario they give it up completely and swear off all non-finger, pre snap licking.
also , they went with the wrong Trump
THE WORST CASE SCENARIO:
Having alienated every non rape van driving Oreo cookie lover on the planet , the Mannings move on. Switching gears the brothers Manning ink a deal with snack industry titans JELL-O Pudding Pops. It seems a logical progression , after all both men are accomplished suckers.
All is going well until a late November suck-off in Des Moines , Iowa. After blowing a 4 pop lead in the waning seconds the elder Peyton accuses little Eli of " being a biter " and mayhem ensues. Both men bring the heat with both eyes squeezed shut as they slap blindly in the others direction.
The brawl seems to be escalating out of control until an enraged father Archie arrives on the stage and clunks the Mannings heads together . Amazingly young Eli has the where withal to aim a two finger eye poke at dear old dad . The veteran Hall of Famer is unfazed however and quickly throws up an inverted paper sign over the bridge of his nose. Easily blocking the attack with his left hand while simultaneously snatching Peyton's wrist and forcing him to slap his own brother .
ahhh yes , The Family Manning
Needless to say Bill Cosby is pissed. So unnerved by the Manning's antics is Dr. Huxtable that he rips up the contract and declares his intent to go " buck-wild " all over their crack ass cracka asses. Sad really. If only they had a strict , well known father figure to advise them.

# 3 - HOW LONG CAN BUD ADAMS HOLD OUT ?

Opening day in the NFL is always a beauty. The ungodly tease that is the pre season is over and now everything counts. Everybody has hope for the season because they are all still 0 - 0 . Tied for 1st in the division bitches !! But I digress.

This year however opening day could be a little more exiting than normal. Why ? Because it officially starts the 2010 Bud Adams watch. Born in old timey times ( 1923 ) Tennessee titans owner Bud Adams is not only ancient , he's down right crotchety. He should be , hell he has owned the Oilers/Titans franchise since the days of yesteryear before the NFL was even called the NFL !

Adams's teams have never won a Superbowl in the 44 years it has been called such. They have only even played in one. A crushing defeat in which they came up one yard short of tying the game in regulation and they are the proud owners of a dubious honor. The 1993 Houston Oilers were on the wrong side of the greatest comeback in NFL history blowing a 35 - 3 second half lead to the Buffalo Bills in the first round of the playoffs. Needless to say old man Adams never forgot.

So fast forward to the 2009 season and we have the 0 - 6 Titans getting their first win of the season over .......you guessed it , the Buffalo Bills. How does our hero respond ? Not with dignity and grace , but with this .....

stay classy Bud

The double barrel bird launcher aimed right at the home team Bills fans ! YES !!! Way to go Bud. 91 years young and still kickin. I believe that was in week 8 last year so it goes without saying that Mr. Adams bears watching this season.

WORST CASE SCENARIO :

Thanks to the NFL's pathetic new overtime rules the statistical probability of a tie game has been significantly increased. If that should happen in the Titan's week one tilt against the Raiders, who have an equally feisty old dude for an owner ,( Al Davis ) the competing owners may be moved to settle the damn thing like they did in the days of yore.

You guessed it , by way of the duel. Geriatric pork swords on the 50 yard line. Ohhh the carnage. Nothing could be worse than two 80 plus guys going " no sacs " at midfield to decide a contest . But considering the amount of pride mixed with old school insanity these two guys represent could it really happen any other way ?

just duel baby

# 2 - WILL THE RAVENS BE ALLOWED TO WEAR CLEATS ??

Ray Lewis hopped out of bed this morning and was promptly flagged for his efforts. " 15 yard penalty for illegal carpet stomping. " Said a zebra clad referee. Enraged that a stranger had managed to sneak into his bedroom unannounced Mr. Lewis proceeded to execute a roundhouse savat kick to the back of the man's skull laying him out flat. Not surprisingly he was immediately bludgeoned with a hail of tiny yellow bean bags.

this is bullshit

" Personal Foul - un sportsman like conduct - illegal skull crushing of an official - # 52 has been ejected from his house." Just another day at the office for a member of the Raven's defense. Later in the day it was reported that a bewildered ( and shoeless ) Lewis was seen entering the Raven's practice facility in nothing but his boxer shorts.

Apparently hard nosed , aggressive , and tough defenses no longer have a place in today's kinder , gentler NFL. God forbid an offensive player would actually get hit in a live game these days. Any touching of the face mask by a defensive player is now subject to an automatic 15 yard penalty. Yet any offensive player with the ball can punch a man in the face and it is called a stiff arm.

WORST CASE SCENARIO :

A rash of freak injuries sidelines 5 of the top 10 Quarterbacks in the league by week 3. The powers that be in the NFL are completely unable to stop their collective knees from jerking simultaneously. Despite playing a part in the worst kick line of all time the NFL rules committee votes in some sweeping new changes to protect their star players.

The next week Quarterbacks can now only be tackled by pulling off a small flag that has been velcroed to their crotch. Three weeks later , after some unfortunate incidents , the flags are removed but defenders are now required to play without helmets or pads. Yet despite the obvious advantage to the offense and the mash unit of defensive players on the injured reserve with broken bones. The NFL brass is still not happy. A small earthquake in week 13 allows just enough room for a bleeding and broken Brian Urlacher to limp through the 49er Offensive line and lay a hand on the quarterback.

That's the last straw. In a meaningless game between two 4 - 11 teams in the last week of the season the game has changed entirely. Third string quarterbacks are now dominating. Mostly because they are outfitted in mechanized protective shells and are armed to the teeth.

QB sneak on 1 .....BREAK !!!!

Brave defenders are ripped to shreds. The rest line the side of the field trying to slow the ball carrier with the force of their minds. While still others simply lay in the fetal posistion alternately urinating then deficating on themselfs in a cacophony of the orifice.

In the post game interviews the the owners repeat the same old platitudes. " It's all about competetive balance , and of course player safety. "

Yeah , sure it is.

# 1 HOW WILL JOHN MADDEN'S GHOST HAUNT COMMISSIONER GOODEL ?

What do you mean he's still alive ? Are you sure ? I'm gonna have to look that up .