Rozen Maiden

Rozen Maiden is an anime series about supernatural dolls, created by the mangaka duo Peach-Pit. However, generally, no one older than 10 who can venture out alone onto a playground without being picked on/beaten up gives a flying fuck about dolls.

Just The Facts

  1. To appeal to a wider audience, the dolls were made much more powerful and human-like than normal, inadvertently creating a whole new wave of awkwardness in certain situations.
  2. The series' "protagonist" is a pathetic recluse who spends (most of) his time shopping online for supernatural artifacts.
  3. In the true spirit of WTF, almost everyone who is in good health dies at the end but the one terminally ill patient somehow survives.
  4. The number of people involved in the making who were drunk/high/both was probably higher than the number who were sober.
  5. DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU

"Rozen Maiden" in a nutshell

The anime revolves around the interactions between Jun Sakurada, the "protagonist", and seven supernatural, life-like dolls known as the Rozen Maidens. To operate, the dolls require energy which they obtain either from being wound up or by making contracts with humans and leeching energy from them. In addition to an artificial life force called a "rosa mystica", each doll possesses supernatural powers that are likely the result of the character designers having a bad acid trip at work. The creator of these dolls, a mysterious dollmaker named Rozen, brought them into existence so they could fight each other for their sisters' rosa mysticae. When one doll acquires all 7 of the badly named roses from her sisters, she will somehow bring into the world the "perfect girl", dubbed "Alice" by the dollmaker.

Ironically, the epitome of female perfection supposedly arises from the doll which can most brutally and viciously murder all of her sisters. Undoubtedly so that Rozen - who's been a single, lonely bastard his entire life - can subject her to his depraved fetishes. No way could anyone suspect any character in this pristine storyline to be a complete dickwad and/or fucked in the head, right?

Who, this Rozen guy? Naaaaaaaah!

The Plot... wait, what?

The first five dolls get slowly and painfully (for Jun, anyways) introduced throughout the first season. They all live at Jun's house, much to his chagrin, and freely boss him around and subject him to abuse when he displeases them. His lack of retaliation against this mistreatment proves one of two things about Jun: he's either a masochist or lacking a functioning pair of testicles.

"Your man card. Give it to me."

The sixth and seventh dolls are introduced in the second season, setting off the Alice game, the process by which all seven dolls - once all awake - fight each other to the death for the rosa mysticae. After some general shenanigans that would be expected in any tournament-style competition (double-teaming, lying, employing sleazeball underhanded tactics, etc.), the seventh doll, Barasuishou, obtains all the rosa mysticae after killing off the others with her crystal-manipulation powers of WTFh4x. Everything is still making sense, or, at least as much sense as happenings in the Rozen Maiden universe can make, until -

EPIC WTF PLOT TWIST TIME! It turns out, Barasuishou wasn't even the real seventh rozen maiden to begin with - she was created by Rozen's jealous and spiteful apprentice who had apparently been harboring an unhealthy amount of butthurt for being a slightly inferior dollmaker to his master. Meaning that Rozen's six dolls were duped into playing the Alice game, where they were killed for nothing. Shortly thereafter, Barasuishou disintegrates to dust from being unable to contain the energy of all seven rosa mysticae, because Rozen's apprentice was a huge narcissistic noob. Nevertheless, he did succeed in giving Rozen possibly the biggest metaphorical kick to the balls ever delivered in an anime.

Sure, every character who actually displayed some level of depth does die an eye-rolling, purposeless death, but what's REALLY important is that the pathetic recluse of a protagonist who stooped so low as to LIKE his lifestyle and the way he retreated from everyone around him was "mediated" and brought - really, forcibly ripped from - his shell that he was so used to living in. The end. Everyone lives happily ever after.

Imma go dance in my field of rainbows and hallucinati - I mean, unicorns now! Yay happiness!

Outstandingly Laughable Characters

JUN SAKURADA

The main character, who is technically the protagonist, but for whom a more fitting title would be "that pathetic runt who happened to get so helplessly tangled up in the storyline, there was no getting out without being a part of it." On a scale of one to ten rating the effort Jun expended trying to either avoid or hasten his contract with Shinku, he'd measure up to a solid "zero." Not only does he just allow the dolls to basically control his life and what happens in it, he also apparently lacks a backbone and - for the most part - allows Shinku to order him around the house like the servant she thinks he is.

Also, his lack of emotional ties with other kids his age leads to him eventually developing a somewhat intimate relationship with Shinku to satisfy the innate human need to form those ties with others. Considering the fact that she's not even human, it'd be almost as sad and freaky if he had a blow-up doll in her likeness stashed away under his bed.

What's more, in a facepalm-worthy yet hilarious combination of his emotional ties to the dolls and youthful perception of all things even mildly sexual as taboo, he gets embarrassed easily when he's around them, especially Shinku. For example, both when he saw the dolls in their undergarments (because his sister was washing their clothes) and when it was suggested that he kiss Shinku because it was their parts of a play they were rehearsing, he instantly blushed beet-red and became flustered, as if he had just slammed back an entire bottle of vodka.

For pete's sake, someone needs to get this kid a much-needed reality check and backbone before he dies a 90-year-old doormat of a virgin; it would make for a pretty terrible movie, anyways.

Like this, except with 2.25 times more permanent mental scarring and 10 trillion times more fail.

SHINKU

The fifth Rozen Maiden doll, and the first introduced in the plot. Her usual demeanor is cold and regal, comparable to that of a queen in that she also likes to order people around. However, in a stereotypical attempt to add depth to an otherwise flat character, she opens up to others once she's gotten to know them better.

Her powers involve making large numbers of rose petals appear out of nowhere and controlling them in attacks/defenses, an idea totally unparalleled in any other anime, and especially not in Bleach. In addition to possessing a power that would realistically only be good for creating giant, heaping compost piles wherever she fights, she has a habit of slapping Jun (and whoever else tries to touch her without permission). With her hair. Apparently dolls don't get whiplash.

Depicted: accurate physics representation.

SUIGINTOU

The first Rozen Maiden doll, and one of the main antagonists throughout the entire plot. Some of the mildly batshit insane aspects of her being include her brutal fighting in the Alice game, psychotic mannerisms, sadistic laughter, and unnaturally lucid eyes. Logically, one can only assume that she's high as fuck on a combination of PCP, crack cocaine, and god knows what else for the entirety of the show. However, even though she's a determined fighter, she does a fantastically terrible job of actually killing people. Her main attacks consist of volleys of feathers that she shoots at her victims from her wings. As if attempting to use feathers as a weapon wasn't bad enough, she wasn't even able to properly end the life of a terminally ill girl in the hospital who entered into a contract with her for the sole reason of wanting her energy depleted so she could die.

Epic fail.

SUISEISEKI

The third, clinically bipolar, Rozen Maiden doll, Souseiseki's older twin sister. Though she cares for Jun and eventually makes a contract with him in the second season, she abuses him even more than Shinku does at times. Her powers include conjuring a watering can which sprays magical water on plants that make them grow much faster and larger than normal, manipulating and communicating with plants once they've been watered to make them fight for her, and excessively repeating the word "desu" at the end of every sentence until her enemies (and everyone else within earshot) are compelled to stab out their own eardrums with a sharp knife. Suiseiseki does to plant biology what Shinku and the other dolls do to physics: beat it senseless and leave it for dead.

No further words are needed.

SOUSEISEKI

The fourth, relatively laconic Rozen Maiden doll, Suiseiseki's younger twin sister. She wields a giant, sword-like pair of shears, the only weapon in the series besides Barasuishou's crystals that can realistically cause appreciable bodily harm. However, any and all awesomeness from her pseudo-swordfighting was more than cancelled out by her making the single most ridiculously fucktarded decision in the entire series: joining up with Suigintou and Barasuishou, the two most powerful antagonists. After agreeing to participate and fight in the Alice game to appease Rozen's wishes of bringing forth Alice, she worked together with the two to forcibly kill off dolls who didn't want to play the Alice game, eventually defeating both Suigintou and Barasuishou to become Alice.

At least, that's what she aspired to do. In reality she lasted all of about 3 minutes before she was pummeled to death by the two aggressor dolls, and her rosa mystica stolen, marking the first death in the series. She failed to see for herself the painfully obvious outcome of her decision, which was even more predictable than swimming with a gaping, bleeding flesh wound in shark-infested waters. To add insult to injury, her death set off a chain of events that greatly strengthened and emboldened Barasuishou and Suigintou, causing them to begin targeting and killing the other dolls.

Congratulations - you've been posthumously inducted into the "I failed harder than Star Wars Kid" club!

...so what does all this mean?

It takes one creepy pedophile of a dollmaker, his jilted apprentice, all of their best creations with freaky supernatural powers, a huge fight fueled by sibling rivalry, and - last but not least - a few metric tons of WTF to pull a 13-year-old recluse out of his depression and turn him back into a functioning member of society. Damn, therapy is getting troublesome and expensive nowadays.