Only one man is conceited enough to do it... That's right folks! Exiasprip gets his own topic!
The life story for this bizarre being is quite unfortunate. Exiasprip was born circa 133 B.C. when Egyptians persecuted Christians (He was depicted in the movie: "The Ten Commandments" by Cher's Daughter/Son). Although of no religion, his mother figure had him casted down a river to protect from the evil surrounding the village. Later on, he encountered a waterfall. Unfortunately, he survived.
A family of rodents discovered him. They taught him how to be like just like them..... except for the fact they were lemmings. His unfortunate upbringing got him thrown off another cliff. He survived again(Unfortunately). His feral skills taught him how to hunt fruits and berries until a pack of hunters called: "The Hopkapi" arrived and captured him. He was given to fur traders. This was the exchange:
"Uh.... Listen, we wanna do the deal.... BUT....."
"That's no lemming, that's uh...."
"I'm pretty sure that's a lemming."
"Ugh. No. That's a Cuban."
"What the fuck are talking about? Cubans don't jump off cliffs..."
"What about Jeff Goldblum?"
"What the fuck....?!! He's not even Cuban!"
"That doesn't make any fucking sense!"
"Listen! Do you want the lemming or not?"
Eventually, the fur trappers gave in. Unfortunately, it was a police sting.
So there he was.... In a box full of evidence along with syringes and used sheepskin condoms. The Police interrogated the fur traders:
"Excuse me, Mr....."
"Mr. Hutchins... Jeremy Hutchins. Listen! I don't know wy I'm here! It's pretty obvious that "LEMMING" is a Cuban boy."
"Then why'd you buy him?"
"He would've been put on the black market! His organs could've been used a corn-cob pipe or something!"
The Policeman put his Liver corn-cob pipe down, looked Mr. Hutchins in the eye, and delivered an Oscar winning speech.
"Mr. Hutchins, I know what you want. We know what you want. And we have no problem. We're on your side, we've always been on your side. We feel your guilt because we've all been in your position. Fact is, when I was Seventeen, I found myself in the very back of a cop car for stealing hub-caps. Now I'm in the front. I'm the man driving hub-cap thieves to where I once got raped. Yes! That's right! I've been raped in jail before, but listen! I hear you, I feel for you. I just want reason. Give me one reason Mr. Hutchins. Give me one reason why you're innocent or guilty! If we believe you, there's the door! Don't plead the fifth with us because here, there are no secrets. None. And if you want change your story, FINE! But please! Just tell me why you got involved with the illegal fur trade!"*
*Officer Peterson, Oscar for "Best Supporting Police Officer" 4015
He gave the policeman the evil eye and opened up.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I wasted your time officer, but I'm not the one to blame. That child in the box playing with the balloons... He's my purpose. We saw him "Pripping Exiasly" the first time we saw him. He was playing with his beard and leading a Communist reform.... We named him: "Exiasprip". We --- The Fur Traders--- couldn't bare seeing him go to waste and being used as a coat...."
The officer took off his baby-skin hat.
"It's alright Mr. Hutchins, we got what we needed."
Exiasprip took his first steps walking away from the police station. He hailed a taxi went somewhere between here and Hell. He got a room at the Hotel DeBoiyoiyoiyoing and started writing his first novel. J.K. Rowlings stole his idea and they later mud wrestled over it. J.K. Rowlings won. In desperation for money he started appearing in Michael Bay movies as the special effects*
*Oscar Winner, Exiasprip, For Best Use Feral Child As Meteorite, 4828
As of March 2010, he has part of the Cracked Family as the creepy uncle who watches everyone sleep. His life is ever expanding.... maybe there will be a part two to his life, but let's face it. J.K. Rowlings would steal that, too.