It's a given the world is going to end in a Zombie Apocalypse. But look on the bright side – here are 4 reasons why the Zombie Apocalypse is a good thing.
Leading scientists have concluded the world will end with the dead being reanimated and consuming human flesh. It was published in a journal by the Massachusetts Institute of something. While some other "scientists" disagree, they've been exposed as industry plants and stupid.
Don't question this conclusion. It comes from scientists and scientists are never wrong. It's in the Bible. Besides, who are you anyway? A Classics major? Pfft. Way to go, Plato. And no, I don't want your damn Wal-Mart shoppers card.
Anyway, as you can tell (even with your Classics degree) we're in a pretty dire situation. There's nothing that can be done about it. Well, you could move to a place where there are no dead people. Unfortunately such a place almost certainly has strict alcohol and gun control laws and that's simply not an option.
So humanity is screwed and it's probably your fault. But look on the bright side! Here are some benefits to the coming Zombie Apocalypse.
Human beings were always going to die out, probably in some gruesome, terrible way. It's in the Bible and The Terminator. Don't pretend you didn't know it.
But as I always say "If you gotta' go, go with a smile." Because while extinction does suck, in the whole scope of things a Zombie Apocalypse is the coolest way for us to go.
What were some of the alternatives tossed about on The History Channel?
1.) Meteor - Getting killed by a giant space rock. Yawn. Couldn't we think of a better way to die out than just ripping off the dinosaurs? Just look how stupid they were. They went extinct!
2.) War - While it is well known that war is always cool (see History Channel), it has become such a mainstay that to go extinct from it would be just so, you know, trendy. Like Chia Pets. Whatever happened to those? Anyway war's coolness as a source of extinction would be reasserted if it was war with the Cylons. Otherwise, meh.
3.) Plague - Doubtful. Medical science has advanced to such a point that to die from a plague is virtually impossible. There will always be medication to cure whatever disease crops up and rich people to benefit from it.
4.) Sun Explodes - Does anyone think we'll make it another 5 billion years before the sun explodes? We'll likely be replaced by an advanced race of chinchillas before then.
So as you can see, Zombie Apocalypse is far and away the coolest, and most plausible way, to go out. For that we should really be grateful; How much more awesome it would've been if there had been Zombie Dinosaurs?
The only reason Zombie Apocalypse hasn't been brought up as a viable option for extinction (until now) is it heretofore seemed so unlikely. If you honestly thought "Death by Zombie" was a realistic way to go, you'd pick that in a second. I think of something my Uncle Fred would say: "Son, if I had my druthers, when I go I'd want to be eaten alive by a zombie." Instead he died of a brain hemorrhage like a loser. But If only he lived a little while longer, he could've gone out the way he wanted. Sigh.
While it is true the Zombie Apocalypse will eventually destroy our species in the most horrific way imaginable, for the first couple of years our nations overall health would improve dramatically. Why? Simple. Zombies will eat fat people first.
It really isn't complicated. Because fat people are fat, they will be unable to outrun the Zombies (even the slow moving George Romero kind). They will be caught, consumed, enjoyed and satisfy the Zombies long enough for our wellness to improve.
According to the Centers for Disease Control, obesity in the United States is at a gargantuan 26.7%. Much has been done to combat this epidemic, including highly ineffective diet and exercise. But all of these attempts are wrong-headed because in the coming Apocalypse, Zombies will need to eat fat people for food. It's science.
Once all obese people have been trimmed away by Zombies (or by the slim survivors resorting to cannibalism) our overall health report will skyrocket. Think of the potential!
Our popular culture has never been more starved for quality. Look at all the second rate material we have for entertainment - Twilight, Dancing with the Stars, Jersey Shore, Antiques Roadshow - It's all crap! Is it any coincidence that our national IQ has dropped to an abysmal low, 98 according to some estimates? 98. That makes us just barely qualified to open a bottle of Yoo Hoo.
Take yourself, for example. What was the thought process that brought you to read this article in the first place? I bet it was "Ew, Zombies are cool!", Click. And you would've been right. Once. But now Zombies are no longer cool because they are EVERYWHERE!
There are 53 zombies movies to be released between 2010 and 2012, 34 in this year alone. If that wasn't enough, 45% of them are slated to star Betty White. Our popular culture is so starved for new ideas that it'll take anything and whittle it down until it's trite and dull. Consequently even zombies are now boring. Zombies. Boring. Can you believe it?!
But don't worry because in a superb bit of irony, our popular culture will be saved from its abysmal state by the oncoming Zombie Apocalypse.
What are Zombies? Dead people, obviously. And most dead people come from a more refined, erudite era. A time when people had standards for quality higher than "OMG he just punched that baby!!! LOL!". When these dead people return (albeit in Zombie form) it will unleash a whole new demographic into the pop cultural marketplace.
They will likely be quite codgery and complain bitterly about how much better movies were when they were young, er, alive. And they'll be right. To assuage them, the entertainment industry will have to produce better material.
This will bring about a return to a time when entertainment was made for, gasp!, adults. We'll see a return of films like "Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid", "On The Waterfront", "Casablanca" and pretty much anything with John Wayne shooting something.
In fact, filmmakers might even be able to cast these Zombie stars from Hollywood's Golden Era. Wouldn't it be great to see Fred Astaire dancing again Ginger Rogers (before consuming her flesh)? Or Clark Gable kissing Vivian Leigh (and then eating off her face)? Classic movie moments await!
So if the Zombie Apocalypse means a return to TV and Film that no longer turn us into zombies I'm all for it.
The Zombie Apocalypse will mean an end to life as we know it. Nothing we know will ever be the same. Everything we've even known or loved will be gone. But hey, we'll definitely have more time on our hands! Besides society crashing, governments dissolving and the last members of our species fighting for survival we won't really have a care in the world. We'll be able to appreciate the simple things in life again. Like fishing. Wouldn't that be nice?