Asylum Films

Do you like hilariously bad movies? Do you frequently visit the video store while sleep deprived? Do you have Alzheimer's? If you answered yes to any of those questions, Asylum Films is for you!

Just The Facts

  1. The Asylum is a film company that puts out knock-off versions of popular films.
  2. Their versions are universally terrible, rushed, and low budget.
  3. They do this exclusively to trick people who don't usually watch movies into picking up the wrong case.
  4. Thereby ensuring those people will continue to not watch movies, after furiously returning Transmorphers for the second time.

The Studio

If you've watched the SyFy channel on weekends, then something has not gone as planned in your life-plan, and you've also probably already seen some Asylum films. They specialize in putting out films with similar names and plots to big budget films and hope to con their audience into watching the movies.

They started off in 1997, producing mostly B-movie horror flicks, but never made it big, being overshadowed by the bigger, badder distribution companies. That is, until they put out H. G. Wells' War of the Worlds in 2005, released merely one day before the Steven Spielberg adaption. Blockbuster Inc., proving that everybody gets fooled sometime regardless of experience, ordered loads of copies to distribute at their stores, and helped birth the bizarre B-movie pyramid scheme that Asylum continues to this day.

The Films

Throughout the past decade, Asylum has produced literally hundreds of movies. There are knock-offs of King Kong...

Transformers (no, fact #4 was not a joke)...

Even Snakes on a Plane, which was a B-Movie already...

But you know what they say: You can't judge a piece of shit by the smell alone, so let's go a little more in-depth into a few of the actual films:

100 Million BC

Released a few months after 10,000 BC, the film-makers didn't even try to ape the plot of the source material, and 100 Million BC is more like an all-lego remake of Lost World: Jurassic Park than a knock-off of 10,000 BC. The film revolves around a team of scientists that go back in time to rescue a different team that went back in time and ended up trapped in 70,000,000 BC (proving that even Asylum don't pay attention to themselves; the date's right there on the cover, guys). And of course, as all time-travellers do, they brought back a bloodthirsty T-Rex with them.

Hey, occupational hazard. Whaddayagonnado?

From then on it's your typical dinosaur in the modern world story: Dinosaur meets people, dinosaur eats people, dinosaur gets hungry an hour later and eats more people, dinosaur is ultimately sent back to the past, where it is fused with a mountain and dies. You know, just your archetypal A-B-C-Dinosaur-Becomes-A-Mountain adventure tale.

The Da Vinci Treasure

An obvious rip-off of Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code, the plot of the Da Vinci Treasure is true to Asylum form: Copy the overall structure of the story, slap some duct tape and bullshit on it, fudge the details and hopefully end with an explosion if your special effects coordinator hasn't already blown the finale's budget on a sandwich.

I Am Omega


Just like that Will Smith movie, only instead of Will Smith it's that guy from Double Dragon, instead of vampires it's generic mutants, instead of suspense there's accidental comedy, and instead of acting it's a bunch of people actively waiting for their paychecks.

Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus

This is what happens when Asylum opts not to make store-brand versions of blockbuster movies: Their original properties are almost always Godzilla-inspired monster-fests starring Adjective-Nouns Vs. Adjective-Sharks (there has always been, and will always be at least one Shark Of Unusual Size in every Asylum Original Property).

Sherlock Holmes


No, we didn't overdose on ether and photoshop together the fever-nightmares: That is the real poster for Asylum film's rip-off of the Robert Downey, Jr. movie. Apparently, Holmes' greatest accomplishment wasn't solving some kind of pussy mystery with stupid gay logic; it was that time he punched an Octopus in the tits, mounted a T-rex, and ghost-rode that shit into a fucking dragon. Don't believe us? Here's the trailer:

Oh yeah, and one more thing: There's also a Steampunk Iron Man.

Okay, we take everything back: This is how you make a god damn movie, Hollywood. Start taking notes... and then blow those notes up with a rocket launcher mounted on a giant anaconda, for that is the Asylum way.