Lord Byron

You remember that fruity poet kid who got his ass kicked in high school? That was pretty much Lord Byron, except if you tried to kick Lord Byron's ass; you would wake up from your coma 3 weeks later to find your girlfriend pregnant with his son.

It was a simpler time, perhaps a better time.

On second thought...no it wasn't.

Just The Facts

  1. You will never be as good of a writer as Lord Byron.
  2. You will never be as good of a lover as Lord Byron.
  3. You will never be as amazing of a person as Lord Byron.
  4. Those are all, most likely, good things.

His Love Life

From my understanding, the Cracked readership has an overwhelming majority who just want to know about boobs.

You're welcome. You may now continue your noble quest elsewhere.

When you ask an English major about Lord Byron her answer will probably have something to do with Don Juan, poetry, or some other shit you probably don't care about. However, when you ask someone who chose their major based on something that might help their chances of getting a job, the answer you get will probably involve the words "He fucked" and "everyone."

Of course, this is purely revisionist history. We all know that no self-respecting poet would ever...oh wait...he totally did fuck everyone.

With facial hair like that, he pretty much had to.

To get himself started on his path to sexual stardom, he fell in love with his distant cousins Mary Duff and Margaret Parker. He later stated that his love for Mary Duff began when he was <a href="http://engphil.astate.edu/gallery/marchand.html">only 8 years old.</a> Of course, as so often is the case with puppy love, it was fleeting, only lasting until he was...25? Wow...that's ummm....Moving on...

Later, his tastes for women had evolved considerably. He no longer was interested in incest, and instead decided his soul yearned for infidelity. One of his first well publicized affairs, with a married woman, started in 1812 with Lady Caroline Lamb. They ended the highly scandalous affair soon after. Lord Byron moved onto Lady Oxford, and Lady Caroline Lamb moved onto...incessantly stalking him, moving to Crazy Island, and setting up shop there for years to come.

Reports of Lord Byron's rabbit that "mysteriously" disappeared remain unsubstantiated.

Some evidence of her incredible behavior that can only be described as "stalkerish" can be found <a href="http://englishhistory.net/byron/lclamb.html" rel="nofollow" >here.</a> For those of you too lazy to click a link, (yes, I am talking to you specifically) I will summarize the highlights.

She lost so much weight to the point that Byron remarked to her mother-in-law that he was "being haunted by a skeleton." It is also worth noting here, that Byron was initially uninterested in Lady Lamb because she was far too skinny.

She frequently would try to speak with him at his house, sometimes disguised as a page boy. One time she broke into his house and wrote on one of his books "Remember Me!" This inspired him to write a poem entitled "Remember Thee!" In this poem he criticized her for cheating on her husband. For those of you who love analogies, this is like you stomping on a plate until it shatters and then writing a poem about how shoddy the plate's construction was.

Also, something I probably shouldn't mention, she one time sent him a letter. Inside this letter contained her pubic hairs. Seriously...don't think to hard about that image.

"Dear Lady Lamb, What the fuck? Seriously...What the fuck?"

A sensible person would do everything within his or her power to end such an embarrassing affair, but of the many attributes Lord Byron possessed, sensibility was never one of them. He did everything he could do to aggravate the situation. Most notably, he married her cousin. So his first marriage was pretty much just <a href="http://www.thefamouspeople.com/profiles/lord-byron-1.php">to fuck with her.</a>

Also, it almost goes without saying that Byron also played for both teams. Yes, he had...intimate...relationships with men long before drunken sorority sisters being videotaped made bisexuality the cool thing to do. In fact, he did it so long before that time, that he could have very easily been socially ostracized, if not hanged for it.

His Literary Career

Almost none of you care about this, but out of [feigned] respect to fans of English Literature, I will hastily gloss over this subject.

A wise man once told me, "Who the hell are you? Get the fuck out of my house before I break every bone in your body." However, my English professor in my freshman year of college told me, "You cannot distill a genius's body of art into one work." Fortunately, my English professor was not a wise man, so I will only discuss Don Juan.

Don Juan is almost undoubtedly Lord Byron's most famous work. It features the character Don Juan from the original stories out of Spain, but Byron, once again, proves he will not be controlled by any rules no matter how well established. Don Juan, since the story's inception, has been a seducer. His god-damned name is synonymous with satyriasis (that is male nymphomania for those of you who aren't liberal arts majors). Instead, Lord Byron decides to portray Don Juan as a man who is easily seduced by women...which now that I think about it, just makes him a normal guy.

"Lord Byron's Don Juan gave me the courage I needed to make Avatar: The Last Airbender"

But besides that, he took his entire story seriously. From beginning to end, he realized what a potentially groundbreaking work he was creating when he penned Don Juan. Knowing full well that it would go down as one of the greatest stories of prose or poetry to ever be written in the English language. For instance he never said anything <a href="http://www.archive.org/stream/worksbyron06byrouoft/worksbyron06byrouoft_djvu.txt" rel="nofollow" >like</a> "You ask me for the plan of Donny Johnny; I have no plan-I had no plan; but I had or have materials.... You are too earnest and eager about a work never intended to be serious. Do you suppose that I could have any intention but to giggle and make giggle?-a playful satire, with as little poetry as could be helped, was what I meant."

He thought Don Juan (also referred to as "Donny Johnny" by hundreds, if not thousands of...well actually just him) would relate to poetry in the same way Jon Stewart's "The Daily Show" relates to hard hitting, no-holds-barred journalism. It would be like if this article went down in history as the most beautiful and poetic biography of Lord Byron to ever have existed.

His Pets

Think back to the first time you lost a pet. Whether it was a dog, cat, horse, gerbil, or anything else-except fish because, quite honestly, fuck fish.

Pictured: Everything a pet shouldn't be.

Did you feel compelled to write a classic poem as an epitaph to it? Of course you didn't, because you're neither as awesome, nor psychotic as Lord Byron. To prove just how crazy he was he tried to nurse his dog back to health. That alone doesn't sound that bad, so I should probably mention that the dog he was nursing back to health had rabies. You know that kid who cried when he had to kill Ol' Yeller? Yah, fuck that pussy.

Also, Boatswain, the dog that got rabies, was a Landseer Newfoundland dog. For those of you not familiar with this breed they're...well here's a picture of it next to a young girl he may or may not be sacrificing to whichever unholy gods dogs worship.

I'd have something funny to say...but his paw is the size of her head...

Yeah...he tried nursing that back to health when it had rabies. Rabies, by the way, is a disease which makes you incredibly strong. So basically he wasn't "nursing it back to health" as much as he was "wrestling with an impossibly strong titan who was oh so huggable."

Byron certainly had a death wish, but at least he didn't do anything truly crazy like...keep a <a href="http://www.cracked.com/article_16559_7-eccentric-geniuses-who-were-clearly-just-insane.html" rel="nofollow" >bear</a> in his dorm at Trinity College out of spite for them not letting him have a dog. Oh...in that case at least he didn't try to get that bear a fellowship at the college. Well at least there are no reports of him riding it around campus, using it to pick up chicks turned on by danger...

Yet...