Twilight Saga
What's next for the Twilight saga? When the formula is "take a classic monster and add sexy abs," pretty much anything is possible.
The Twilight Saga
Cracked.com has unintentionally become one of the internet's most exhaustive repositories of Twilight saga knowledge and commentary. We have featured brutally succinct summaries of the Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse films.
We have examined why The Lost Boys is superior, found real-world vampire legends even more ridiculous than Edward Cullen, and explained why the plot of New Moon could have been much more easily resolved.
We have used the medium of video to be unkind to Twilight, New Moon and Twilight again.
Thus we seem to maintain a strange love/hate relationship with the Twilight saga. On one hand we wish it would go away, on the other, we simply can't stop talking about it.
one thing that irritates me about stephanie meyer is that she can't just say "said" it's all "mumbled confidently" "inquired benevolently" and "piped up in a doomed tone of voice" if you cant guess what the persons tone is by the context and the dialogue then maybe you just suck
ReplyAdverbs... It's a tactic that bad writers use because they think either their audience is too stupid to understand what is going on in the story or their writing is too s****y to actually envelope their audience in their world. Mind you, the occasional adverb at the end of a bit of dialogue is good, it can be beautiful and unique. But if there is an adverb at the end of every single line of dialogue... well, you get my drift.
Twilight is making my generation seem like a bunch of illiterate f***tards. I despise the series and I have tried to make each of my friends - all one of them - who like Twilight in the slightest, to see their brutal mistakes. All Stephenie Meyer does is read a thesaurus with the impression that 'big' words are the equivalent of impressive literature. For goodness sake. That's right. I am 14, and the devotion and genuine infatuation people have with these books disgust me. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I know, but that DOES NOT make them right. Especially if they believe Twilight to be a good read. Yeuch.
ReplyStill can't believe I wasted my time reading them. I could feel my IQ plummeting. Not even funny :(
You know, as much as I b***h about how sucky they are, I have (sneaked) into each one, hoping beyond hope, that it'll actually have something worthwhile.
ReplyThey never, ever do. As has been said, the last one could have been Underworld 4, but instead they focus on sparkles and mutt in a tent. f**k this series.
I don't think I'll ever understand how so many emo teens take precious time away from cutting themselves long enough to get offended every time someone badmouths their shiny-chested, half-queer vampire masturbation fantasy. I'm pretty sure if vampires were running around they could be banging a model instead of trolling high schools for dumpy, pasty freshmen with commitment/daddy issues. Where's my "Team Frog Brothers" t-shirt? I need a drink.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesAmazingly said.
Cheers!
Bless your heart.
Bless your heart.
The fact that vampires is the article with the code "69" and that vampires are a teenage female's sexual fantasy made me lol irl.
Ha! Excellent, Shakespeare couldnt have said it better! Mine is more "FUCK Twilight and its dumb-ass fans"
jacobs hot though :)
This was better as an article, written by an actual comedian.
ReplyThe Twilight saga can f**k off and die. My lady made me sit through ALL THREE OF THEM and I wanted to kill myself. Ace article, BTW.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesToo bad you are a faggot and didnt say anything
I might bang dudes but you are a f*****g fairy
Number 4 has him chewing a baby vampire out of her uterus.
He's just respectig his womans wishes. Chill. Althouh dude, I'd get a new girl. Even I wouldn't make a guy sit through the movies and I'm a total bitch. That is how awful they are.
My wife says the sexist destructive self-esteem undermining Mary Sue masturbation fantasy that IS Twilight would be 100 times more tolerable if Edward was a woman and Bella was a lesbian.
ReplyI disagree. Not even glittery lesbians could save Twilight from being unwatchable drek that feels like a horny 12 year old who doesn't quite understand the gay undertones of Tale Of The Body Thief wanted a vampire she could explore her sexuality with. It's diusturbing condescending brain-hurting drivel.
I still say Alice/Bella = OTP. Of course it'd still suck, but they already have more chemistry than Edward and Bella.
I don't understand why people HATE Twilight..
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesYou don't have to like it, but some people just act like it ruined their lives.
I read it, and liked it 300% more than Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad. And do you know what I did...? When I discovered I didn't like the book, I stopped reading it. I honestly never felt the need to call up all my friends or start a club and b***h about how terrible it was.
A lot of people hate twilight because it's the cool thing to do.
A lot of people hate it for the same reasons they hated the backstreet boys though. It's a product which was designed to sell and make money instead of being a good product which would in turn make money.
It's the difference between writing a great song that sells records because it's actually good and fun to listen to and writing a song that sells because people can't get the sound of "teach me howta duggy teach me teach me howta duggy" out of their heads.
People get angry when others LOVE something that is fundamentally bad for it's own media type(ie music, literature, tv)
I haven't read the books so I don't know how bad they are personally but when my ayn rand reading buddies complain, I listen... plus the movies are pretty terrible.
Hahaha nobody gives a s**t about your opinion anyway
No Longer, that is an EXCELLENT summation of the situation, mind if I sort of just... not quote it, but keep the wording in my mind?
I like Heart of Darkness...
Is it wrong that I have never seen ANY of these Twilight movies? I distinctly remember each time one came out at the theaters how a bunch of squealing girls would go and line up at midnight just to get multiple tickets for multiple showtimes. A movie. They would camp out for the chance to get movie tickets. Not a concert where it might be a one-time event. A f*****g MOVIE that is shown over and over and over... then sent to the budget movie house and shown over and over and over.. then sent to DVD where it can be viewed over and over and over. I think that fact alone turned me off the idea of going to see this movie. Then all those "Team Edward" and "Team Jacob" t-shirts was enough to make me want to roll around in a patch of poison ivy. I suppose I just can't see all the hype surrounding a movie. Doubt I will ever see it
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesHahaha uhhh so I definitely line up every time for Harry Potter movies and lined up for the last book. I don't even care. Harry Potter is so incredible you just have to be first to see or read it. I love Harry lol. I am such a loser...
absolutely not. now harre potter on the other hand, that has actual purpose. twilight is just a movie for girls and gay guys.
And thus Lain_Coulbert began his quest to acquire the legendary "TEAM SHUT THE f**k UP" T-shirt.
well some of us HATE twillight because it has raped a gazillion years of folklore and literature wtf
ReplyAnd gave us a gazillion ab muscles :(
I think the whole point of the love/hate thing with Twilight is purely the fact that it is just man-flesh for the ladies. The story is practically irrelevant, just giving it enough of an excuse to fill the story with handsome people for them to fantasise over.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesThis isn't really a problem in itself, for women have been objectified in films for years. The problem comes when double standards are applied. Men are now lambasted for watching a film that is filled with scantily-clad ladies with a half-baked plot designed to get them to shed their clothes as quickly as possible, yet when the positions are reversed, that's perfectly okay. That, I'm afraid, is hypocrisy.
You have to be consistent with this kind of thing. If Twilight is acceptable, then you have to accept all those misogynistic b-movies. I've no problem with things like Twilight existing, as long as I can watch the male equivalent without being told that I am a sexist pig.
If you go the other way, and say those misogynistic b-movies are bad, and should be consigned to the dustbin of 'archaic opinions', then so should Twilight.
This is why most men get annoyed with Twilight, as it is okay for their girlfriends to fantasise about an idealised version of man, but if they fantasise about an idealised version of woman, then that's the cause of an argument and a serious review of the relationship.
By the way, if anyone argues that the film is about love and romance, not physical perfection, then why do all the men have perfect physiques? It is like arguing that a porn film has a plot. It may well have one, but it's not where the emphasis lies.
Sorry, ladies, but you can't have it both ways. It's either keep your Twilight and we'll keep our titty films, or the whole lot gets canned for turning people into objects, or idealised cyphers.
Feminism is a fine ideal, but don't confuse it with female chauvanism. The same rules apply to both genders, not to one or the other. It's equality, not superiority.
I think what makes hating Twilight so funny is how terrifically bad it is. Most mainstream things are bland to appeal to a wider range of tastes but Twilight is bad even compared to those standards.
I was forced to watch New Moon in the theater, and it was one of the most unintentionally funny movies I've ever seen. My favorite part was when they go to Italy and meet the flamingly gay head vampires. It would be a great film to see with a couple of friends while drunk, but sadly I didn't have that option.
Twilight is probably more misogynistic than any b-movie with naked ladies in it.
Well said.
Thank you for enlightening us, Ratchman, but wouldn't you rather do that, I don't know, somewhere else than a comedy site?
Wrong 'son' in the poster for "Sun of the Blob".
Replyno, that's the point. the way the twilight saga series are all named after different planets and times of the day etc such as twilight, then there's a new moon, eclipse, and breaking dawn. and these posters are all about weather and whatever as well. it's an intentional pun for it to be "sun"
I would watch the f**k out of Desert Sunrise.
ReplyIf ridley scott has any brain, he should twilight the new alien movie. Hey, don't look at me like that, it's a prequel and anything is possible! (xenomorph evolved from the handsome black man..?)
ReplySparkling black latex xenomorph with lots of ab muscles?? SWEET :D
sun of ther blob... you made my day! ;)
ReplySon of the blob...what is the shape of love? haha!
ReplyOh man, if only this article was longer... some absolutely great ideas here.
ReplyOn the one hand, the opening picture is hilarious. On the other, the article is too short to be. So, Kudos (sort of) to the author (illustrator).
ReplyI think David Wong secretly enjoys Stephanie Meyer.
ReplyNo one but pubescent girls and the castrati enjoy Stephanie Meyers
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