Supermodels are strictly B grade material. Beautiful, Blonde and Bitchy. But never Busty.

Sadly, she is now considered too fat to be a model.

Just The Facts

  1. Supermodels are widely believed to be anorexic. This is not true. We do not yet have a word to describe them.
  2. In the US, supermodels and film or music stars go together - briefly.
  3. In Europe, supermodels are usually found with footballers, lowering the bar considerably.
  4. Pamela Anderson is NOT a fucking supermodel!!

A truimph of form over function

For those of you living under a rock, or in North Dakota, some very slim, vaguely attractive women of strange proportions get paid to both wear clothes and take them off in an artistic manner. The ones in high demand are called supermodels, who famously won't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day or a blood diamond.

The suffering of children keeps me young. (Click image for artist)

After intensive research, we can finally announce the reason most supermodels tend to be on the concentration camp survivor side of thin.

Fashion designers can't fucking draw!

The proof.

Being arrogant as hell and inordinately proud of their work, rather than scramble around modifying the design to fit something vaguely humanoid in proportions, they look for a woman to fit the designs as they are.

"My designs are perfect. You are not." An attitude like that could well get you shot.

That's gotta be an easy gig

"So all I need do is scrub up well, starve myself, go blonde, and I am into the high life?"

Well, it isn't quite that simple. You'll need to sell your immortal soul to a modelling agency, one of the few modern examples of slavery we have found.

So who's complaining?

"Is it a sacrifice giving up edible food?"

No. Most supermodels live on diet pills, champagne and coke. You get so buzzed you don't notice you are hungry.

Sometime the press notices. When it is a slow news day.

"I have a sexy walk. So the Catwalk should be no problem."

Are you fucking kidding us? Lose the sexy sway at once. Real supermodels stomp along like an overweight horse.

OK, GIS let us down on this one ..

"Guys have been noticing me since I was 13. Can I be a supermodel?"

Well, technically yes, but since guys notice tits and attitude, you might be better off talking to Hugh Heffner or Bill Wyman.

No. She is no longer 14. Perv.

"Myspace or Facebook? Or do I just dictate a tweet to an assistant and they post it?"

Aim higher dear. National Inquirer or Hello magazine should be your tweets. After all, you do not want to be accessable to the masses.

The Daily Mirror. Making the Enquirer look classy since 1923.

"I like sex. Will being a supermodel get me laid?"

Rarely. Men are intimidated by too beautiful women. Fortunately, you don't really hit that criteria, but you do earn more than most men ever will. That is a turn off. Get used to spending nights alone.

Solitary pleasure. Welcome to our world.

"I feel uncomfortable wearing white after Labor Day. Will this be a problem?"

Oh - you are one of those that actually follows fashion. Forget that crap, you wear what you are given, when you are told to, by a designer who hates women.

No matter how ridiculous.

"How do I keep my teeth white after a binge and purge session?"

The internet is your friend.

The Good

We could fill the entire site with supermodel pictures. Though some might think a good idea, for reasons of space we are just going with a few of the author's favorite JO material models. Yes, this gentleman does prefer blondes.

Claudia Schiffer

How else would you sell a watch? Note the strategic tie placement.

Not to include her would be a mortal insult to all males. One of the original Big 6, she is still stunningly beautiful at 40. Worth around $55 million, but, unfortunately for us, she has been happily married for the last 8 years, with three children.

Thankfully, many of her photoshoots are in the bedroom.

Heidi Klum

No, Paris. This is hot.

Hey - it's another Germanic American! Known as The Body, Heidi Klum became a byword in the industry for reliability. Recently, she has moved into TV work, as well as designing lingerie for Victorias Secret.

If you wear it, they will come.

Gisele Bundchen

Oh, my!

We're safe. She is Brazillian. Her parents are German ... Oh god, its an invasion!! Discovered by a modelling agency at 14 (what sort of people do these guys use as recruiters?! And is the van standard issue?) she abandoned her dreams of being a professional volleyball player to become the worlds top earning supermodel.

Please look at the watch. That is what is being sold here.

The Bad

Naomi Campbell

Redneck head explosion in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

The world's first black supermodel. Probably the world's last, thanks to her behavior. Back before Lindsay Lohan hit the news like a bird hitting a window, Naomi was the go to girl for bad behavior. You name it, she has done it. She goes through assistants like other models go through rock stars, is in court at least once a month on some charge or other, and has all the personality of a pitbull with a broken tooth.

So heaven is racist too? Good job she ain't heading that way.

Kate Moss

Coke. It distorts your vision.

Cocaine Katie has been up there for a while, in both senses. Slim and feline, with the standard British issue bad teeth and a Croydon accent that can grind glass at 50 paces, she really doesn't fit the supermodel mold. She currently holds the distinction of being in the tabloids more often than Amy Winehouse. Infamous for her court appearances on drugs charges and her truly horrible taste in music and men, she still manages to be the muse of several designers and photographers.

Wait - what the fuck is going on here again?

Jodie Kidd

How sexy is that?

Odd how all the bad girls are English, isn't it? Discovered by a photographer at 15 (yeah, we know), her ridiculously low BMI provoked howls of protest in the trashy newspapers, with claims that she was inciting young girls into anorexia. Pundits frothed, women baked her cakes and men universally decided they wouldn't hit that.

Proving that supermodels know where the coke is at, she allegedly supplied a reporter with some in 2007. This lead to her being dropped from several advertising campaigns and TV appearances. Rather unfair, as the News of the World is not exactly known for it's reliability.

She most recently in the news as the one model Tiger Woods has apparently not slept with.

Maybe she was just too tall.

The Downright Ugly

Janice Dickinson

File size reduced out of deference to our weaker stomached readers.

The self proclaimed first supermodel.Though Twiggy might like to have a quick word, and Glamour Magazine (yes, it actually exists) is a tad pissed off, having used the phrase a mere 11 years earlier, we'll grant her her claim to fame. After all, we don't really care. She is fucking old.

Aren't you just glad the 70's are dead and buried? Oh, she still surfaces on reality TV, proving supermodels don't die, they just move downmarket.

Addison Gill

"Dad! The FBI are here and want to see you."

While not exactly ugly, Addison Gill is a good representative of the increasing and highly disturbing popularity of very childlike models. Since the shit hit the fan over low BMI models, model agencies have been working overtime to find models with sufficient shock value to keep the various fashion shows in the news.

Even some designers get embarassed by this trend.

Adriana Cernanova

Data's got a girl friend!

A fine example of the Eastern European anorexic androids that have been so popular recently. We could replace her with any of a thousand others.

Nice boots, shame about the rest.

Are There Any Male Supermodels?

What the hell gave you that idea ..... Oh.

No such thing exists, thank God. Men lack the arrogance, vapidity, erectile control and soulless despair to make truly effective supermodels.

"Jeremy, you used too much oil again."