An Axe Twist Commercial

For centuries (or after people started caring), body odor has plagued humanity. Modern humans of the European sort decided to combat this problem using chemicals. Then those chemicals became related to sex. How did that happen?

The Body Spray emits the aroma of one-night-stands and mommy issues.  The body wash is put into an old motor oil container in order to look manlier. Together, they make magic manly swirleys that are the color of sickly body fluids.

Just The Facts

  1. According to the Axe marketing campaign for this product: "Women get bored easily." All of them.
  2. According to the flash happy Axe website, gray gradients and clicky noises are still cool.
  3. According to axebodyspray.org (which actually exists)"Whilst most varieties of entire body scent are regarded as socially likeable, you will discover a number of regarded gentle although others serve as attractants."

An Axe To Grind

Since Axe seems to have no problem admitting this is their material, they have made it available on multiple sites, including their own, for public viewing. It's like they're proud of it or something.

Here is where Axe begs the question; "how can we insult women and men in 30 seconds or less?"

"That looks great! Get it on the air!" - Axe Marketing Team (A Collection of 19 Year Old Virgins and Regular Jersey Shore Viewers)

"That girl is totally what I am taught by society to believe is hot! I want to engage in casual sex with her!"- Axe Marketing Team resident closet case still trying his damndest.

"Wow! I wish that guy was me! I gotta go get some Axe Twist RIGHT NOW!"- Striaght male age 14.

"Wow! If that guy has a chance with that hot girl, I totally would, too! I should try this product." -Straight male age 18.

"Wow! This stuff makes my girlfriend break out in hives, I should stop using it!" -Straight male age 23.

"Wow! That guy sucks!" -Straight male age 27.

"I would never spray anything on my body that doesn't cost atleast $45." - Gay male, age 21.

"Axe fucking stinks, and she could do way better." - Straight woman, age 22.

"The smell of Axe reminds me of my ex who used to cry into his pillow after really short sex." - Straight woman, age 28.

The Break Down

Just in case your video player isn't functioning, here is a recap of the entire thing. Try not to read it without vomiting on yourself. Although, you could use the vomit to cover up the smell of Axe wofting over from the high school down the street. There is, of course, the small chance that you might think it's cool. If that is the case, then you have the emotional maturity level of a 14 year old boy, and as much experience with women as a urinal cake.

So here goes:

Desperate-identity-crisis-kid-with-ugly-hair-do (DICKWUHD) has managed to score a date with blond-anorexic-trendy-stereotypically-hot-impossible-to-get-in-real-life(BATSHITGIRL) girl at their favorite neighborhood coffee shop.

DICKWUHD tries entertaining BATSHITGIRL by means of "peek-a-boo." The extremely fussy BATSHITGIRL is not pleased with his feeble attempt at being original, and therefore the chances of DICKWUHD recieving sex from her are threatened. Thankfully for DICKWUHD, portable-image-enhancing-creepy-electronically-operated-friend-assisting-stranger-sex (PIECEOFASS) appears just in time to freshen his "look."

Yum.

Into that of a serial killer.

BATSHITGIRL loves this new look enough to either go on an implied date or let him walk her home- it wasn't really clear. At her door step, she gives DICKWUHD v2.0(Serial Killer Update) a kiss on the cheek.

This is seems satisfactory for DICKWUHD, but not if PIECEOFASS can help it. PIECEOFASS magically reappears to provide DICKWUHD with yet another make-over.

I miss the serial killer

Into a less manly version of Edward Cullen.

BATSHITGIRL is way into this, so she invites DICKWUHD in for some music listening. Assuming DICKWUHD is going to get some serious vagina action since BATSHITGIRL invited him to her place- PIECEOFASS reappears to give DICKWUHD either a quick pube trim, or a circumcision.

Standing exposed and clueless next to BATSHITGIRL's bed, DICKWUHD shares a glance with his potential vagina. BATSHITGIRL notices his newly remodled junk, and doesn't find his exposed genitals to be at all concerning. Pleased with whatever results PIECEOFASS had rendered, she proceeds to initiate implied relations with DICKWUHD.

All of this is then tied together in the last 4 seconds as we hear the catch line: "Women get bored easily," and then some crap about Axe Twist- which this was apparently a commercial for. Believe it or not, it was not just a random piece of sci-fi-fantasy-man-romance that was created with the intent of making everybody who watches it hate themselves. It was actually trying to advertise a product.

Axe Wounds: Not Just for Women

Here are some of the lies men were just told by the Axe marketing team in hopes that they will buy their product (in the order of their appearance):

1. After agreeing to go on a date with you, women care strongly about your hair all of a sudden.

2. "Peek-a-boo" should be used as a test to see if a girl is into you. All women have the emotional maturity level of a two-year-old. Even with this mentality you shouldn't be suprised when this only works a couple times and they start to catch on.

3. When your lameness becomes apparent to your BATSHITGIRL girl of choice, you will have a robot friend there to give you a make-over. This has something to do with Axe Twist, apparently.

4. Perv-staches make women want to take it to the next sexual level. They also don't make you look like a serial killer at all.

5. Nerds get kisses good-night, but beautiful man greasers get invited up the proverbial stairs. The original DICKWUHD gets nothing at all because originality isn't sexy.

6. Your robot manpanion wants you to get laid really, really bad. So it will turn you into a beautiful man greaser right when you need it to.

7. Skinny white boys dressed as beautiful man greasers are "OMG totally so hot".

8. Women find trimmed pubes so irrestible they will have to bang you on the first date.

9. Axe body spray is cool and you should use it. The fact that it is glorified deoderant is not commonly known by anyone (especially women because they know nothing about personal hygeine) and you are fooling EVERYONE who has the pleasure of sniffing your manly essence.

Now here is what women were told:

1. Men are convinced thier image and smell are the only factors you consider when deciding whether or not to have sex with them.

2. Men are willing to completely change their image to fool you into having sex with them. Their main concern is making it as convenient and effortless as possible.

3. That fictional robot knows what you want better than you do (the man, of course, is totally clueless), and is a necessary guide to men in their attempt at fooling you into having sex with them.

4. Men are willing to smell like 2 different types of insecure in one day in order to get you to have sex with them.

5. Men think looking like a serial killer or a popular vampire is more attractive to fussy women than looking like a normal human being. Changing into one of these two scenesters will help them fool you into having sex with them.

6. It's not because some men are boring, immature and stupid that you have turned them down like you had originally thought- it's because you're just too fussy and difficult. Obviously, there is something wrong with you.

7. Why are you still reading this? Aren't you bored by now?

So overall, how does this insult both sexes?

1. It is implied that men are mindless, clueless, tactless, badsmelling, immature fools who have no goals in life other than finding ways to penetrate vaginas.

2. It is assumed that women are difficult, fussy, barely satisfiable sacks of flesh surrounding a vagina who put men through a series of tests in order to grant them access to said vagina.

Although this kind of marketing is destructive to the egos of both men an women, it is also very effective. Effective in selling to teenagers. After a visit to Axe's website, you can see for yourself the incredibly exaggerated attempt at linking sexual activity with personal hygiene products. They have even gone so far as hosting several events with sexual themes with the intent of inticing young men into participating in strange ritualistic games.

All of this is a blatant attempt into brainwashing their young minds into believing this sort of product is trendy and cool. It's all very unnerving. Interestingly enough, it actually seems to have the exact opposite axe-effect on women than advertised.